TRH GAMEDAY 51: FLORIDA PANTHERS – WELCOME TO PARADISE

One of my favorite recaps to write this season was the LA Kings’ beatdown of the hapless, yet lovable, Florida Panthers back in November.

The game had everything!

It had trash talk from my former boss (RIP Panther Parkway).

Inappropriate Twitter Screenshot

It had a random Randy “The Macho Man” Savage video…

It had goals from people who plug defensemen…

And it had perhaps the best gif we will get from the Kings this season…

But the game was truly memorable because I SAW IT ALL COMING.

My recap also included me alluding to the fact that I once pimped a kitten out to an elderly man who was looking for a kitten (nothing nefarious there).

Kitten Pimp

And my neighbor brother identifying Keystone Light for what it is: Coors Light that had accidentally gone above the super icy cold temperature they brag about.

(Keystone Light=Coors Light, with a stigma)

GAME 51

The Kings are taking their struggling one-ice performance and the EPIX film crew to Southern Florida to take on the Panthers, and they do so knowing that traveling that far south comes with the risk of encountering homeless women not homeless women who are just trying to get enough money for breast augmentation, chicken nugget thieves, fake zombies who prey on nudist resorts, real zombies who attack homeless men, and pregnant women who will use anything–and everything–to show how displeased they are.

Florida sounds like a nice place.

/Shuffles papers

Instead of the age-old pregame tradition of hockey players kicking soccer balls at each other, the Kings and Panthers will be warming up together, on South Beach, where they will assemble for a charity game of beach volleyball. Kenny Loggins will be providing the soundtrack, and Don Johnson is said to be in the general vicinity.

Logical Trade Targets

As my esteemed associate PumperNicholl noted in his recap of the terrible excuse for hockey that was the Kings’ 4-0 loss to the Washington Capitals, who might actually be the most entertaining team in hockey,

So I did the logical thing and assembled a few trade targets for the Kings.

Evander Kane

Judging by the way he has been treated in Winnipeg, we may be witnessing the most dysfunctional athlete this side of Milton Bradley. He’s still young, big, and a left winger. So he’s got that going for him…

Matt Beleskey

The last I heard from Matt Beleskey, he was a healthy scratch mere days after word circulated that the then-leading scorer for the team in Anaheim was deep in contract extension talks with the club. Now he’s on the  trade block.

Word is that the clubs that have talked to the Ducks about Beleskey have demanded that he shave his goatee as part of the deal. It’s not 1998.

Beleskey

He can keep the vacant gaze, though

Tom Wilson

Not only is Tom Wilson not available (definitely), he also wouldn’t be a fit on the Kings (maybe). I really only suggested his name so that I can link to his Tumblr page (maybe), and note that he reminds me of Timmy Riggins (definitely).

Tim and Lyla (Friday Night Lights)

Really not sure who I would rather be here.

Kyle Clifford

Oh wait…

Willie Mitchell

I think it’s fair to say that Willie has been missed by all who love fish, British Columbia, and people who are terrified of flying. Word on the street is that he and his son, Aaron Ekblad, are a package deal.

Chris Neil

Somehow Chris Neil has a no-trade clause, and he has refused to waive said clause. That just makes it easier for the Kings to pick him up after he’s bought out in the offseason.

Equanimeous St. Brown

Ton of upside. No idea if he knows how to skate, but he sure does speak three languages. His father also added the “St.” to his name because, why not? Also a local kid.

As you can see, the Kings’ options are rather limited at the moment.

Gametime – 4:30PST

Location – Hell Sunrise, Florida

 

TRH TENDER GOALIE SWIPE TO VICTORY™

QUICK-Panthers

 

BEST OPPOSITION BLOGS:

Litter Box Cats

The Sunshine Skate

BEST OPPOSITION FANS TO FOLLOW ON TWITTER:

@Litter Box Cats

@davidlasseter

@MikeObrand

@PaigeLewisFL

@JamesonCoop

@FJOJR

@FrankRekas

@trashnewton

@patrictss

@strombone1

WORST OPPOSITION FAN TO FOLLOW ON TWITTER:

@NCPANTHERS1

John Siegel is a lunatic who writes about hockey, east coast bias, and content marketing. He rarely takes anything seriously, there's a good chance he's drinking right now. You can follow him on Twitter @JVNSiegel but you probably shouldn’t.