SORTING THE LA KINGS: A Hogwarts Breakdown

NOTE FROM PumperNicholl: We are beyond excited to welcome serenabeena to the pages of The Royal Half! Serena has been an LA Kings fan and on-again-off-again season ticket holder since birth, which was a year after the Gretzky trade. As a 3-year-old, she requested a signed Luc Robitaille plaque for her birthday, obsessed over goalie Rick Knickle, and could name every NHL team and city. Serena is a three-time Yahoo! fantasy hockey league finalist and the self-appointed millennial correspondent for Team TRH.

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It’s come to my attention that many NHL players can’t name the four Hogwarts houses.

As a long time Harry Potter super fan, I couldn’t believe that only the Islanders’ Kyle Okposo (RIP attached retina) could name the four houses.

The LA Kings could use some Harry Potter magic these days, dontcha think? Maybe goalus totalus would work if Anze Kopitar or Jeff Carter used the right inflection. While I’m willing to blame Dementors for the Kings’ emotional struggles, I don’t think Darryl Sutter would accept soul-sucking invisible creatures as an excuse for the last few games.

All the Hogwarts talk got us thinking: How would Kings’ players be sorted? Thanks to Kings Vision, the EPIX series and media interviews, we can piece together the players’ personalities and attempt to sort them into Hogwarts houses. So let’s do it!

sorting

A few disclaimers before we get started:

  • During Harry’s sorting ceremony, the Sorting Hat thought Harry would be a good fit in either Slytherin or Gryffindor. Harry didn’t want to be in Slytherin, so the Hat took his choice into consideration and put him in Gryffindor. Some players are purely one house or another, but some are on the fence – these folks are placed in the house I think they’d choose.
  • I’m an unabashed Hufflepuff, but I did my best to have an unbiased sorting. I can’t help that Trevor Lewis and Anze Kopitar are in the same house as me…
  • I included all people who’ve played on the Kings’ roster this season. Those who aren’t currently playing due to waivers, suspension, etc. are still involved but marked with an asterisk.

Gryffindor

“You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve, and chivalry, Set Gryffindors apart” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

brownie and staples

  • Dustin Brown
  • Jarret Stoll
  • Jeff Carter
  • Nick Shore
  • Tyler Toffoli
  • Mike Richards*

If you think about it, the entire Kings team could be described as Gryffindors. They’re daring and have been the NHL’s heroes two out of the last three seasons. But within the Kings, these guys are the ultimate G-squad.

Toffoli reminds me a little bit of Harry Potter: Clueless, but a whiz kid, and fans (other wizards) are really excited to have him on the team. Stoll is a faceoff beast, but must hold the world record for most offensive zone penalties, which is a total Gryffindor move. Brown is someone who is definitely on the cusp between Slytherin and Gryffindor, but if the Sorting Hat gave him a choice, we all know he’d choose Gryffindor for himself. And really, he has too many kids to be anything else.

toffoliquidditch

Richards and Carter are the James Potter and Sirius Black of the Kings. They’re usually good guys, but they have a tendency to get themselves into trouble. In the wizarding world, James dies and Sirius is blamed for his death. Is it really dramatic to say that Richards and Carter are James and Sirius, respectively? Probably. But it’s also somewhat true – Richards’ career (temporarily) died and Carter is feeling (somewhat) responsible and trying to avenge Richards by scoring a ton of goals. Vengeance takes a while…

Hufflepuff

“You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true, And unafraid of toil.” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Anze Puff

  • Anze Kopitar
  • Brayden McNabb
  • Jake Muzzin
  • Jamie McBain
  • Tanner Pearson
  • Trevor Lewis
  • David Van Der Gulik*
  • Jeff Schultz*

Home sweet home…

Most fans make fun of Hufflepuffs and I totally get it! Their biggest hero was a guy who died tragically at the hands of Voldemort during the Triwizard Tournament. So sad!

But my people are really great. As the Sorting Hat says, we’re loyal and patient and kind; what else would you want in a friend? The Kings’ biggest Hufflepuff is Trevor Lewis – he tries SO HARD YOU GUYS and doesn’t get enough recognition or points that he deserves. Every shot is THIS CLOSE, yet he keeps trying. Kopitar has much more scoring success, but the league doesn’t appreciate him the way it should. It’s always Jonathan Toews is amazing or Patrice Bergeron is the best but WHAT ABOUT KOPITAR YOU GUYS?! Still, he continues to play his little Goldendoodle-loving heart out. Plus, Slovenia has to be a Hufflepuff nation, right?

The rest of the list fall under the same description – the players are hardworking, patient and underappreciated. Pearson could easily fall into Gryffindor but due to his untimely injury (unfortunately the Muggle world doesn’t have Skele-Gro), adorably normal Instagram posts and rosy cheeks, he’s an H-puff.

Ravenclaw

“Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, if you’ve a ready mind, Where those of wit and learning, Will always find their kind” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

martin ravenclaw

  • Alec Martinez
  • Justin Williams
  • Marian Gaborik
  • Martin Jones
  • Matt Greene
  • Robyn Regehr

I miss the Kings’ biggest Ravenclaws, Willie Mitchell and Ben Scrivens, but this group will do. I realize most of the older guys are in Ravenclaw, but with age comes wisdom, right? Williams and Greene generally give really insightful interviews and typically play smart. Martinez, Regehr and Gaborik just fit into the Ravenclaw category – they seem like guys who’d read a book or two for fun. Maybe…

But Jones is the epitome of Ravenclaw. I mean … obviously. Goalies have an eccentric reputation, and Jones spending his day with the Stanley Cup alongside an owl is pretty much the most R-dawg thing an NHL player could do, other than quote Shakespeare on a goalie mask. Sigh…

 

Slytherin

“Or perhaps in Slytherin, You’ll make your real friends, Those cunning folks use any means, To achieve their ends.” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

slytherin

  • Andy Andreoff
  • Drew Doughty
  • Dwight King
  • Jonathan Quick
  • Jordan Nolan
  • Kyle Clifford

Sorting anyone into Slytherin is always difficult because of this guy. Nobody wants to think that they’re a part of the bad guys’ team, and Slytherins have a bad rep. But they can be great people too – just look at Severus Snape (later down the line). The Kings’ Slytherins consist of mostly rough-and-tumble guys, which isn’t a coincidence. Slytherins are ambitious and want to prove they’re right, even if it means taking an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty right after a stupid offensive zone penalty. *cough Drew Doughty cough*

Quick would probably be the Head of House, though. I love our goalie (yes, even during our current I’m-pretty-sure-we’re-not-making-the-playoffs streak) but he manages to get his team a few extra seconds or minutes by a coincidental loose goalie mask or a conveniently untied skate. I’m always amazed by his ability to get the Kings a bit of a breather after an icing. Other goalies may do it, but Quick does it best.

Doughty also is a guy who could be Gryffindor, but he’d choose Slytherin just to prove everyone wrong about the house. It’s misunderstood and underappreciated, and Doughty is just the guy to clean up its reputation. Also, we can’t forget his salary negotiations in 2011.

Well, there you have it! The 2014-2015 Kings roster has officially been sorted. And all is well…

sutterdor

 

 

Serena has been an LA Kings fan and on-again-off-again season ticket holder since birth, which was a year after the Gretzky trade. As a 3-year-old, she requested a signed Luc Robitaille plaque for her birthday, obsessed over goalie Rick Knickle, and could name every NHL team and city. Serena is a three-time Yahoo! fantasy hockey league finalist and the self-appointed millennial correspondent for Team TRH.