HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode XVII
Wow, how the time can fly!
Welcome back, friends. It’s been far too long since we last got to do this. So sit back and catch up on Hockey Hoarding world before we get to the new batch!
If you’re new here, check out the rules for the scoring system. And then, finally, we’ll unleash the last set of horrendous hockey memorabilia gems that you’ll wish you never saw.
No. 5
INITIAL REACTION: 6.0
This is actually more intimidating than the Detroit Red Wings have been since the late 1990s.
USEFULNESS: 5.5
Well, it’s still a better investment than splurging on a ticket to see Chris Osgood’s Hockey Hall of Fame speech.
PRICE: 8.5
Based on what everyone sees on TV, I’m pretty sure the $9.99 could get you a 10-game pack of tickets to see the Red Wings play at Joe Louis Arena.
VALUE: 5.0
Nothing says “I’m still stuck in the mid-90s” than a Looney Tunes t-shirt and cheering for the Red Wings.
STREET CRED: 4.5
Perfect for your first date with a Detroit-based, hockey-loving hipster.
FINAL SCORE: 29.5
No. 4
INITIAL REACTION: 10.0
Hmm they must have made this shirt for Hockey Twitter.
USEFULNESS: 6.5
An alright throwback shirt, but the usefulness shoots up to a 10.0 if you happen to be Mr. Freeze.
PRICE: 5.5
Ugh over $20 for a borderline funny Kings shirt?! The gall of some people.
VALUE: 3.5
Two available, and I’m pretty sure those are the only two that any rational, sober person would make …so there’s that, I guess.
STREET CRED: 5.5
It’s a real shame that this wasn’t made with the Burger King logo.
FINAL SCORE: 31.0
No. 3
INITIAL REACTION: 7.0
Well of course they’d have to rename it the Sabre Cup because there’s no way in hell they’re ever going win the Stanley Cup.
USEFULNESS: 6.0
Then again, it is a better name than “Dominik Hasek featuring a Bunch of Random Dudes.”
PRICE: 10.0
You mean I can get a picture of the Buffaslug Goat Head AND a caricature of Brian Holzinger for only $20??
VALUE: 4.0
Seriously, how did this team make the Eastern Conference Final? All hail, Hasek!
STREET CRED: 8.5
A big hit in case you ever run into Donald Audette.
FINAL SCORE: 35.5
No. 2
INITIAL REACTION: 10.0
Finally, the LA Kings bondage mask I’ve been looking for!
USEFULNESS: 10.0
Oh… In that case, finally, the LA Kings wrestling mask I’ve been looking for!
PRICE: 4.0
A Mexican wrestling inspired mask of a Los Angeles-based team, so of course you have to order it from the United Kingdom.
VALUE: 6.5
Show your Kings pride while walking around shirtless slapping your chest and delivering flying elbows by jumping off random objects!
STREET CRED: 8.0
But seriously, the positioning of the mask in that picture makes you slightly uncomfortable, right?
No? Just me?
…you’re all liars.
FINAL SCORE: 38.5
No. 1
INITIAL REACTION: 10.0
Wow a big get for us here at TeamTRH! A guest reaction from Nancy Kerrigan. Take it away, Nancy!
USEFULNESS: 9.0
I mean who wouldn’t need a varsity jacket featuring their favorite Muppets playing hockey.
PRICE: 3.5
It’s either buying this jacket or lighting your money on fire. The choice is yours.
VALUE: 9.5
There’s not a single Edmonton Oilers fan reading this who doesn’t wish this was their team’s roster instead of what Craig McTavish and Kevin Lowe have assembled.
STREET CRED: 7.0
Bonus points for stitching the “C” onto Kermit’s jersey.
FINAL SCORE: 39.0
There you have it, folks! Another chapter in the books. But, sadly, another chapter without finding the ultimate piece of hockey memorabilia.
Til next time!
