Team TRH Holiday Power Rankings

‘Tis the Season!

“Clearly” the “big boys” are showing the “little boys” how to have a jammy party. “Clearly!”

A photo posted by Willie Mitchell (@willie_mitch33) on

The most important holiday of the year is approaching. Of course I am speaking of the night before Thanksgiving, when everybody you knew in high school is back home and hanging out at Hennessey’s (or whatever your version of Hennessey’s is). We here at Team TRH wanted to help spread some of that holiday cheer by arguing over which holiday each of us has arbitrarily decided is best. You may be wondering how a post with no hockey content makes it onto this site. Well, thats’s what happens when The Royal Half and Pumpernicholl leave the country at the same time.


You’re just lucky that Jesse Cohen isn’t ranking desserts (Jesse is now deleting a draft titled “Top Cobblers”). Check out the results, or just scroll to the end, where I’ll reveal the correct answers.

The Royal Half

1. Three-Way Tie: Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day – There is no way that any Holiday that mandates a BBQ, pool party and a day off of work could out rank any other Holiday that does the same thing.
4. Thanksgiving – The food!
5. Opening Day of Hockey – This is my list of my Holidays and I do what I want. (NOTE: When the LA Kings win the Cup this Holiday is replaced by Stanley Cup Banner Raising Day)
6. Passover – The Jewish food
7. Christmas – As a Jew, anyone who tells you Hanukkah is better than Christmas is the total opposite of a mensch.
8. New Year’s Eve – If you try to make big plans for New Year’s Eve, it always turns out awful. But if you keep it simple, invite a small group of friends over and are in bed by 12:45am… NYE can be a blast!
9. Daylight Savings Time Starts – It should be an actual Holiday.
10. August 9th – The day in 1988 that Wayne Gretzky was traded to Los Angeles.

BONUS: The 3 Worst Holidays
1. Halloween
2. St. Patrick’s Day
3. Cinco De Mayo
You aren’t in a frat anymore. Stop using these Holidays as an excuse to get black-out drunk.

HSTHB

1. June 11th
2. June 13th

Jesse Cohen

1. St. Patrick’s Day – Every year on March 17th, bars, pubs and every other venue with a liquor license fill up with people who want nothing more than to have a drunken party. Then when the clock strikes midnight… it becomes March 18th. My birthday.
The Movie to Watch: Snatch
2. Halloween – A month long celebration of creativity followed by a mad rush of parties, costumes, candy and the macabre. Plus I just love making jack o’lanterns.

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The Movie to Watch: Trick R Treat
3. Thanksgiving – I find the never ending Cranberry debate of Home Made vs. From The Can to be a complete waste of time and utterly missing the point. Both are awesome and you can have as much of either as you like.
The Movie to Watch: Dutch
4. Passover – It’s kind of like Jewish Thanksgiving only Gefilte Fish is the polar opposite of Cranberry Sauce. Seriously it’s gross… but I kind of love it.

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​The Movie to Watch: The Prince of Egypt
5. Super Bowl Sunday – All your friends. Amazing food. Amazing drinks. Gambling. Funny commercials. I don’t even like Football.
The Movie to Watch: just watch all the commercials
6. 4th of July – U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!
The Movie to Watch: Independence Day
7. New Year’s – An evening of partying with your friends and/or family, a fond look back on the past year and when you wake up…
THE WINTER CLASSIC
The Movie to Watch: The Hudsucker Proxy
8. June 11th, 2012 Day – The Kings won the Stanley Cup for the first time ever!!!
The Movie to Watch: The Kings Stanley Cup BluRay/DVD
9. Christmas – While I don’t have any particular affection for the holiday itself, I do love watching everybody else love it.
The Movies to Watch: The Ref, Love Actually, Scrooged, Die Hard
10. Groundhog Day – Pretty simple really… Bill Murray rules.
The Movie to Watch: Groundhog Day

Jersery Brian

The Top 4 Holidays (based on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Holiday Offerings)
1. Easter – The combo of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Egg and the amazing Reester Bunner blow all other holidays away, and if you don’t agree with me, I’ll bury you, and you won’t wake up after 3 days.
2. Christmas – Tree-shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are pretty damn good, but Christmas earns second place thanks to the addition of the mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Bells.
3. Halloween – Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins get lost in the Halloween shuffle, but I think these are completely underrated, especially compared to the disastrous Snickers Pumpkins. YES, I SAID DISASTROUS! EAT IT, SNICKER-HEADS!
4. Valentine’s Day – While delicious, eating anything chocolate and heart shaped, like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart, has been tainted by the video for the internet classic “What What (In The Butt).”

Indiana Matt

Turkey

1. Thanksgiving – sister in laws stuffing is the Jon Quick of holidays, elite.
2. Christmas – duh.
3. 4th of July – I get to see @DukeOfLAHockey in his element.
4. My birthday – duh.
5. The week before my birthday – because.
6. Memorial Day – big fan of white clothing
7. Labor Day – I am amused by the rest of the country pretending that the summer and good weather ends every year.
8. Three-Way Tie: Veterans, Presidents Day, MLK day – In my book, it’s a 3 way tie for 8th based simply on traffic impact around LA.

Flubber McGee

1. Thanksgiving
2. Tied – all holidays that are a day off from work
3. Tied – everything else
That’s it.  That’s the list.  All other lists are irrelevant.

King Tufficult

(Note: I’m non-religious and this list is intended as satire… which should go without saying, and also applies to 100% of the things I write)
1. Christmas – Despite personally being non-religious but more Jewish than anything else, I must concede the top holiday spot in terms of overall holiday awesomeness to Christmas. Besides the ritual itself having Pagan roots, there’s a good-smelling tree, people in a generally good mood, evocative and awesome music (some of it), and the overall visual aesthetic. Also, Home Alone 1 & 2.
2. Halloween – A chance to dress up and act ridiculous along with cultural gems like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Hocus Pocus. Bonus points for carving disgustingly-flavored gourds into pieces of art.
3. New Years’ Day – We actually have a National Hangover Day in this country where we don’t have to work. Think about that.
4. Thanksgiving – Lots of food, and the pressure-packed attempt at dosing yourself perfectly with alcohol so you emotionally survive your family dinner. Too much, and the tryptophan will join forces with Charles Shaw to help you faceplant in your stuffing before 7pm. Too little, and Aunt Molly’s prying questions about your latest breakup will put you in a bad mood for the next week or two.
5. Epiphany (Jan 6) – I was amused to find out that there’s a holiday called “Epiphany” on January 6, around the time you have the sudden realization that you won’t actually be able to go to the gym 4 days a week or start calling your parents more that year after all.
6. Groundhog Day – This holiday is making a push in the 2014 holiday power rankings due to the salaciously entertaining development of NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio unintentionally murdering the magic groundhog this year. Also, the movie that will forever be associated with this holiday is nearly flawless.
7. Cinco de Mayo – Every May, it’s just so satisfying to get drunk on cheap, delicious Mexican beer while ostensibly commemorating the Battle of Puebla.
8. Boss’s Day – Because if there’s one thing bosses don’t get enough of, it’s indulgences and special treatment. It’s about time someone recognized bosses, dammit.
9. Kamehameha Day – (Hawaii) – This holiday makes the list as a sordid reminder that my mom’s dog has been to Hawaii twice, and I’ve still never been there. Kamehameha Day is a day for bitter introspection in the Tufficult family.
10. Maundy Thursday – I understand that “maundy” means washing of the feet. I, unlike Corey Perry, believe that washing one’s feet is a positive and hygienic practice, so I support this holiday.

ALMSMCQ

1. Halloween – You can wear a costumes in public like it’s no big whoop, there are piles of candy everywhere, and everyone is drunk.
Beverage of Choice: Pumpkin Flavored Beer or Hard Cider and Fireball
2. Christmas – You GET STUFF, you can stay in your PJs all day and everyone is drunk for most of it.
Beverage of Choice: Egg Nog with so much Rum you can see the fumes rising in the glow of the twinkle lights.
3. New Year’s Eve – Maybe this year IS going to be better! Haha. No it’s not. But at least everyone is gonna be drunk for it.
Beverage of Choice: Champagne or Martini. Start the year classy.
4. St.Patricks Day – I enjoy the irony of a Saint’s holiday being a giant excuse for all sorts of debauchery. There’s theme clothing and, of course, everyone is drunk.
Beverage of Choice: Jameson IN a Guinness. It’s extra delicious forcing that Catholic Whiskey into an pint of enveloping Prottie stout. Coexist in my belly.
5. Cinco De Mayo – It helped the US win the Civil War, the food is delish…and everyone is drunk.
Beverage of Choice: Tequila.
6. Thanksgiving – The Food! This is the only one of the End of the Year Majors that you can possibly talk your way out of having to spend with your extended family. You’ll see those jerks next month. This one you can enjoy with the family of your choosing: your friends. And you’ll all be drunk for it.
Beverage of Choice: Wine. But lots and lots and lots of it.
7. Easter – Candy, Brunch and you can get away will being mostly tipsy.
Beverage of Choice: Mimosa.
8. Canadian Thanksgiving – It’s a great cooking trial run for REAL Thanksgiving, you can make your Canadian friends feel loved and everyone is drunk for it.
Beverage of Choice: Seagrams 7 and 7Up, or Canadian Club
9. Day of The Dead – It’s like if Halloween and Cinco De Mayo had a baby. There’s creepy awesome face paint and, you guessed it, everyone is drunk.
Beverage of Choice: Tequila
10. The Day After Valentines Day – Screw Valentines Day. Now you can buy all that specially marked chocolate and booze at 50-70% OFF. HAHA, suckers! You have to mark it down because it has a bunch of hearts and junk on it, but that box wine is still gonna get me 100% drunk.
Beverage of Choice: Whatever is left in the CVS at an outrageous discount or, Loneliness.

Garrett Wilson

Holidays suck. Rankings suck. Krypton sucks.
10. Christmas – Enough with the minor league hockey teams and the “clever” idea of ugly Christmas sweater uniforms. They make baby Jesus cry and you shouldn’t make baby Jesus cry on his birthday.

10. Hanukkah – I know there isn’t a lot of popular Hanukkah music, but I’m pretty sure we don’t need three versions of the same song, Adam Sandler. And how many damned centuries of this holiday do we need before we can just pick one spelling and stick to it?
10. Veteran’s Day – Why I don’t get this day off from work? Is it because you hate the troops? Bunch of damn, dirty, pinko commies.
10. Labor Day – You don’t work on Labor Day. This is an oxymoron and likely conceived by an actual moron.
10. 4th of July – Fireworks are entertaining, if you are seven years old. You know what isn’t entertaining? Massive brushfires started by fireworks.
10. New Year’s Day – The Winter Classic has helped salvage this holiday, but the accompanying hangover really makes it hard for me to actually enjoy it.
10. Mother’s Day – Pfft, dads are the ones doing the real work making all the money. Like it is hard to stay at home, do laundry, cook and watch soap operas. Who’s with me, fellas?
10. Thanksgiving – Normally I’d be a huge fan of socially mandated overeating, but I work for a very large online retailer and starting the day after Thanksgiving, my job turns into a waking nightmare. Thus far my efforts to end up in a month-long tryptophan-induced coma and miss the peak holiday shopping season hasn’t worked out.
10. St. Patrick’s Day – Diminishing one of the cultures that was instrumental in building the infrastructure of America all so we can drink beer with green food dye in it. Sounds like a great idea.
10. Halloween – With all the great candy out there, who in their right mind would try and give kids candy corn? Ducks fans, probably.

Knick Rickle

1. Christmas – The undisputed heavyweight champ.
2. Thanksgiving – Gluttony and laziness = great.
3. Independence Day – Over-exuberant patriotism, lots of food, and an excuse to spend a summer weekend on the lake.
4. New Years Eve – Because it’s fun to lie to yourself and pretend that the next 365 days will be any different than the last.
6. Halloween – Yet another day dedicated to eating food and acting like a child.
7. Labor Day – The last hurrah of summer, plus the Minnesota State Fair leads up to it. Laugh all you want, it’s awesome.
8. Trade Deadline – But only on even-numbered years. When the Columbus Blue Jackets have a high profile name who wants to chase a Cup.
9. Mother’s Day – On the off chance she’s reading this.
10. Groundhog Day – The sheer absurdity of it lands it a spot on the list. Winter doesn’t end in February. Ever.
Honorable Mention – Gerbitz Day

Brian Rowland

1. Christmas (If you celebrate it.) – Let’s be honest, anyone that doesn’t have this as #1 on their list is just deluding themselves

Oh… Hmm. Well, this is awkward. Also, it seems like every October, Facebook and Twitter are full of people complaining about Christmas decorations being up or radio stations playing Christmas songs. I say bring it on.
2. Thanksgiving – Unlimited amounts of delicious food? Check? Four day weekend? Check. What more could you ask for?
3. 4th of July – Summer, BBQ, fireworks and a day off of work, sometimes mid-week. All awesome.
4. Memorial Day/Labor Day – Basically the same holiday bookending opposite ends of the summer. BBQ, pool parties and a day off of work.
5. New Year’s – Would be a lot higher if I had made this list when I was younger. I’m married with two kids now, so I’m lucky to make it to 10:00 pm before I fall asleep. Still, I don’t have to work the next day and there are tons of great college football games.
6. Easter – Lots of delicious food. Plus, I get to eat all of my three year old’s candy.
7. Halloween – Awesome when you’re a kid, awesome when you’re single and still pretty fun when you have young kids and get to take them trick-or-treating. Solid all the way around. This would rank much higher if I didn’t have to work.
8. Veterans Day – Bonus points for you if you know the difference between Veterans day and Memorial Day. You’d be surprised at the amount of people that don’t.
9. St. Patrick’s Day – Even though I am one quarter Irish, I don’t drink and I don’t get off of work on March 17th. This holiday basically means nothing to me.
887. Columbus Day – Why is this even a holiday? No one “celebrates” anything and no one gets off of work (except for bankers and government employees, but who cares about them?)

 

Recap:

I know at the beginning of this I said that these rankings are arbitrary. Well, I lied. There is actually a very simple equation, using the following factors:
  • Food & Beverage – A Memorial Day BBQ will get a high score here, while Honey Baked Ham on Easter occupies the other end of the spectrum.
  • Cultural Significance –  For example, Veterans Day, MLK Day, and Hanukkah do well here, while Columbus Day is working at a deficit.
  • Weather – Pretty self-explanatory, although the range of scores will differ depending on where you live.
  • Activities – Easter egg hunts with your grandparents and Halloween parties with your friends are great. Spending Christmas Eve nervously monitoring your aunt’s wine consumption is not.
  • Familial/Societal Obligations – This is easy to explain: Christmas shopping.
How it works:
(food & beverage + cultural significance) x (weather + activities)

familial/societal obligations

Using that equation, we arrive at the one and only acceptable answer to the long-debated question, “Which holiday is the best?” As a great man once said, “That is not an opinion — That is science.” So, without further delay …

The Holiday Hierarchy™:

1. Thanksgiving – All of the food. None of the hassle.
2. Fourth of July – USA, USA, USA … *barf, fireworks, barf*
3. Halloween – People who say they are “too old for Halloween” are inarguably bad people.
(See: The Royal Half’s opinion of it, earlier in this post.)
4. Christmas – This is going to be controversial, but sometimes it’s hard to hear the truth.
5. Memorial Day – THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER. SUNS OUT GUNS OUT, BROS.
6. New Year’s Day – Football. And don’t come at me with your New Year’s Eve junk.
7. St. Patrick’s Day – Drinking gets the credit, but don’t sleep on corned beef and cabbage.
8. Labor Day – It’s the end of summer, but one last chance for SUNS OUT GUNS OUT.
9. Flag Day – I’m just as shocked as you.
10. Easter – Solid. Respectable. Good enough to crack the top 10.

If you have some hot holiday takes, feel free to leave them in the comments. We welcome an open discussion, as long as you’re respectful, and concede that you’re opinion is wrong.