TRH RECAP 73: NEGATIVE CREEP
KINGS 5, CAPITALS 4 (SO)
Yesterday, I was declared the winner of the “Least Favorite Member of #TeamTRH 2014,” and my entire world turned upside down. Suddenly, I was the bad guy, the heel, or in reality TV, “the guy who’s not here to make friends.”
Since you sons-of-bitches hate me, tonight, I’m ditching this whole nice guy act I’ve been pulling and going negative, which is perfect timing because the Kings are playing against the NHL’s Mr. Negative himself, Alexander Ovechkin. So in honor of Ovechkin’s -31, I watched the game to solely focus on the negatives. These are the (Negative) 31 thoughts I had while watching the Capitals/Kings game:
PRE-GAME
-1) The Listing on my DVR says that Fox Sports is airing the game at 7pm and not 4pm. Time Warner has truly earned their victory in the first round in 2014’s “Worst Company in America.”
-2) There’s been a few mentions of the team train trip from Philly to Washington, but sadly, Jim Fox hasn’t shouted, “Choo Choo, Motherfucker!”
1st PERIOD
-3) Tanner Pearson heads to the box early in the first for tripping. Pearson’s clearly not a Robert Altman fan, or else he’d change his number to 88 in honor of everyone’s favorite HBO political mockumentary, “Tanner ’88.”
-4) Ovechkin goes to -30 with a goal off of Robyn Regehr.
I’m starting a White House petition to change his nickname from “Big Rig” to “Train Reg.”
-5) After that hit from Mike Green, Kyle Clifford’s not just a not-pretty face anymore.
-6) With Doughty going to the box for the 2nd tripping call of the night, it’s time for the “Train Reg” to derail again.
-7) The Capitals have yet to play “Love Train” after a scrum. You guys are blowing it worse than the Kings.
-8) Ovechkin with his 2nd goal of the game. And who’s that standing in front of Quick? The “Train Reg!” At this pace, Regehr may be -31 in this game alone.
-9) “Top Titty?” More like “Flop Titty.”
(NOTE: Do not google “Flop Titty” if you are under the age of 18)
-10) I’m not saying the Kings came out flat in the first period, but Philadelphia just filed a complaint with the league, asking if they could replay last night’s game against the team playing tonight.
1st INTERMISSION
-11) I learned that the Kings participate in something called the “Taste of the South Bay.” For those wondering, the South Bay tastes like dirty hippies.
-12) What has two thumbs, a helmet siren, and needs his mommy to take him to go pee-pee?
This guy!
-13) Why didn’t the Capitals hire the band Train to play between periods? It’s not like they’re busy.
2nd PERIOD
-14) It’s a shame Jay Beagle isn’t on the Kings – not because he’s good, but because we could call him “The Regal Beagle.”
-15) Mike Richards scores on the power play.
Philly fans are pissed he didn’t score yesterday because they had a special cheer for him.
(Hint, it rhymes with “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”)
-16) Now they’re playing Black Sabbath in the arena. “Crazy Train” or GTFOzzy.
-17) Washington takes a 3-1 lead thanks to King Killer Dustin Penner. Seriously, he’s had as many goals against them (11 goals in 30 games) as he did with them (11 goals in 117 games).
2nd INTERMISSION
-18) Why didn’t the Capitals hire the band Soul Asylum to play “Runaway Train” between periods? It’s not like they’re busy.
-19) Seeing these new Toyota commercials makes me really sad to see Arcade Fire selling out:
3rd PERIOD
-20) Dwight King scores, which isn’t a negative for anyone except those who got to see King Face in person. Welcome to our beautiful nightmare, DC.
uh Dwight, got something on your face there pic.twitter.com/mPutHS2Dbt
— Ryan Dunn (@SharksGotMyLeg) March 26, 2014
-21) The internet should know that as soon as the refs sent Justin Williams to the box on a weak call, TRH stood up and shouted, “No one puts baby in the corner!”
-22) Gaborik scores, tying up the game.
There goes my “Kings Put On Halak-down” headline.
-23) I have one question about this LA Kiss commercial:
Isn’t putting that much leather near a vagina a health hazard?
(And I’m not talking about the football, I’m talking about Gene Simmons’ face.)
-24) A missed empty netter. When’s the last time that ever hurt a team in the lead with a minute left in regulation?
Oh. Shit.
-25) Kuznetsov ties it up. There goes my “Caps Lead Leaks Like Halak-tating Boob” headline.
-26) I’m not sure if the people in Washington thought Ovechkin had a hat trick or were literally throwing their hat in the ring for an election they’re involved with.
-27) I haven’t seen this many bad twists and turns in Washington since last week’s episode of “Scandal.”
OVERTIME
-28) “After blowing a last second lead, I’m still feeling confident about overtime,” said no Kings fan ever
-29) Ovechkin takes out Hillen, which is further proof that he does more than just score goals.
-30) Kopitar’s post-shootout goal celebration needs a little work:
Naw… just kidding… it’s awesome!
-31) Carter scores to win in the shootout, making him the second least popular Carter in Washington history!
-39 is also what Ovechkin’s season-ending +/- will be.
