SHIVER ME TINDERS: OneGirlOnePuck Takes a Swipe at NHL Tinder
***LEGAL DISCLAIMER***
Tinder profiles are linked to a Facebook account in order to prove they are verified.
The Royal Half Enterprises assumes no liability as to the authenticity of these Tinder profiles.
OneGirlOnePuck found these Tinder accounts via Hockey Players on Tinder and we cannot verify if these are real… but we sure as hell hope so.
I would first like to start this post by thanking the person behind the “Hockey Players on Tinder” Tumblr page. You are a god amongst men, nay, a saint among sinners. Thank you kind stranger for bringing this joy into the world, and for allowing us all to revel in the joy that is hockey players whoring themselves on an app. Bless.
For those of you who live with cats and wear pajamas at 3 in the afternoon, Tinder might seem strange and foreign. Well, don’t you fret anti-social cat people, I’m here to help.
First off, Tinder is a new way for people to meet up with other people who are located close to where they are and have similar interests per their Facebook accounts. For example, maybe you both like the La Kings and One Direction. Well, Tinder will match you up with a potential mate. You only see a person’s face and a first name, much like you would at a bar or jail, but on Tinder you could meet up and have consensual sex (unlike jail). Once you are shown a potential match, you can either swipe to the left to pass on that person (aka “EWW that person is gross, FUCK NO”) or you can swipe to the right to show that you are interested. If your potential match has also swiped to the right on your Tinder profile… then oh, it’s on!
Once you’ve both swiped right, you can talk with that person and find a good time to meet up in a public bathroom for unsanitary sex. So why am I telling you about this app? Well, for one, I think you all need to get laid more. More importantly though, Tinder is a way that super rich athletes can also get laid, since it’s so difficult for them anyway. When those super rich athletes decide to slut it up on an app, you know I’ll exploit it and share it with you, my lovely fans.
I’ve broken down the Tinder man-whores into three categories:
1) Young-ins aka “Why are you on Tinder… go read a book, idiots”
2) Hilariously sad/douchey aka “Not famous/rich enough to be this fucking disgusting”
3) The Pros aka “Why is he on Tinder? Wait, doesn’t he have a wife? Oh, shit!”
Some guys fall into multiple categories, but for the most part, that’s how the chips fall. So, enjoy seeing your idols for what they really are… disgusting man sluts.
Boone Jenner, great name, greater whore.
Tim Erixon, showing of his love of Christmas, and older women.
I think you’re looking for cougarlife.com, Tim.
Jack Campbell just reallllly loves dogs, you guys!
Ryan Murray and his friend prove once again that nothing says,
“I’m ready to bang” like safety goggles and a tie on your head.
Am I the only person who’s shocked that Chris Chelios’ kid is only 22?
Putting a picture of yourself in a Kings uniform is a little bit of false advertising, Tanner.
The picture with the surfboard is a really nice touch to make the whole,
“I play for the LA Kings” thing seem legit.
Oh Jerry D’Amigo, you douchey, sweaty American.
Honestly, this is top five douche bag pictures I’ve seen on Tinder so far.
Nothing says, “I’m ready to party, ladies!“, like swimming shirtless with another dude.
BRB RUNNING TO SIGN UP FOR TINDER.
I WOULD DO SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS TO YOU, ACCEPT THE MATCH, GUDBRANSON!!!
No one is buying you “Cven” cover up, Cody, you ginger freak!
“Willing to lie about how we met” is pretty much the Tinder motto, right?
Also, something tells me Peter Holland knows Drew Doughty.
Time to change you Tinder profile picture, dude.
I know Habs players probably get laid more than Canucks do,
but people are going to catch on eventually.
Oh heyyyy, Jake Gardiner!
Hey, who’s that guy in the picture with you?
He looks vaguely familiar, but I can’t seem to place him, must not be very good.
American hero, JVR, finding American poon for his American peen. Bless.
“Hmmm…If I put a picture of myself with Jeff Skinner
I bet I’ll get enough chicks to sleep with me to try and get to him. Success!”
JIRI FUCKING TLUSTY? No surprise there, huh???
Yet another American Olympian looking for some hot American ass.
Although, Justin looks suspiciously like my friend John and I might just swipe right,
but sorry buddy I’ve already gone down that road before.
Jamie McGinn might be the least surprising hockey player on Tinder.
Just look at that douchey white hat, horrible.
This is exactly what I expected Chris Kreider’s Tinder profile picture to be.
Ok I lied, Derek Roy is the least surprising hockey player on Tinder.
He’s also the oldest guy in Tinder by at least five years, embarrassing.
Vladimir Sobotka is just kind of tiny and creepy, right?
That is definitely the vibe I’m getting, so if you’re into dudes named Vladimir, have at it.
Adam Henrique can Tinder me anytime!
(As long as that dude in the Aeropostale shirt stays away.)
YOU’RE 19 ALEX…
GO PLAY STREET HOCKEY WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND GET OFF THE INTERNET!
I love that these are the photos that Logan Couture chose for his Tinder account.
I mean Logan Face is unavoidable, but man are these bad.
Ah yes, Tyler Seguin, the self appointed King of Tinder!
“Dear Santa, bring me lots of easy women in Dallas and on the road.”
Ah yes, our American hero TJ Oshie is totally not trying to
bang other chicks even though his fiancé is super hot.
I guess you can’t spell Hetero without “Hero.”
Thank you Tinder, for making it so easy to slut it out, and thank you people who decided to post these on the Internet! You are truly good people, who I love and cherish. Of course, thank you hockey players, for being huge man whores and being unable to keep it in your pants. Without you, none of this would be possible.
Lastly, but certainly most importantly, Hockey Players on Tinder, KEEP DOING YOUR THING!
