HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode XI
Welcome back to Day, um, 7 of the Opening Night Festivities in the NHL!
*chugs handle of vodka while trying to remember what sleep feels like*
It’s been a crazy first week and all of these teams celebrating the fact that they started a new season has been really sad to watch.
*remembers every season before 2012. chugs more vodka*
However, as we learned last week, each team hands out some pretty sweet merch to commemorate their season kickoff.
And one post wasn’t enough to add to the Hoarders collection! So, since the LA Kings are hosting their season opener tonight, we’re back to look at another round of wonderful opening night garb.
We may have made a huge mistake…
Go ahead and read through the scoring system if you need to and let the fireworks begin!
No. 5
INITIAL REACTION: 3.5
If Eastern Europe has taught me anything, it’s that “Body Czech” is a completely different kind of magazine.
USEFULNESS: 2.5
Catch up reading about hall of fame players from the 1920s. Also, Norm Maciver and Laurie Boschman!
PRICE: 8.0
At this price, my guess is that Maple Leafs fans could share a great laugh reading this.
VALUE: 8.5
And Senators fans can show off to their friends that they knew the team existed that long ago!
STREET CRED: 9.0
Most importantly, fans in the US can end debates with their friends that there is in fact a team from a place called “Ottawa.”
FINAL SCORE: 31.5
No. 4
INITIAL REACTION: 7.5
Another keepsake from the first ever Colorado Avalanche game! This time featuring Captain Milan Hejduk!
WAIT, WHAT??
USEFULNESS: 4.5
Judging by this cover, I don’t think this magazine is very useful at all.
PRICE: 6.5
The same seller! …this guy is the worst hoarder.
VALUE: 6.0
The psychedelic artwork more than makes up for the glaring errors. And it’s great to stare at on an acid trip, I guess.
STREET CRED: 8.5
Could you think of a better gift to send to an old Nordiques fan?
FINAL SCORE: 33.0
No. 3
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
Finally we can give Indiana Matt something besides Bud Light Lime in exchange for all of his photoshop work.
USEFULNESS: 8.5
Can’t stop staring at all of these amazing logos.
PRICE: 1.0
WHA-HAHAHAHA
VALUE: 9.0
But it is the FIRST EVER WHA SEASON!
STREET CRED: 6.5
Once again, Jeff Marek would more than likely invite you over to show this off.
FINAL SCORE: 34.5
No. 2
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
WOW. Great artwork based off resident ESPN goalie, Linda Cohn.
USEFULNESS: 6.0
I’ve seen people dressed at Anaheim Ducks games. This would be a drastic improvement.
PRICE: 7.0
Overpriced?
Yes.
But where else are you going to get a t-shirt of a demonic goalie looking right through your soul?
VALUE: 7.0
Not to mention that is for ROLLER HOCKEY.
STREET CRED: 8.0
Oh, I’m sorry. “Xtreme Roller Hockey.”
It’s just so bad that it somehow works.
FINAL SCORE: 37.5
No. 1
INITIAL REACTION: 10.0
The original Ne-Yo.
USEFULNESS: 10.0
If only for tonight’s Kings-Rangers game, this is the most useful thing of all time.
PRICE: 9.0
The cover of this program is worth way more than the asking price.
Side note: Terrible marketing effort by the Rangers PR team. How do you not go with “Opening 99ight?!?!”
VALUE: 7.5
It may not be as awful as Blues-era Gretzky, but it’s still sad to have to see him in this retirement home-level state.
STREET CRED: 9.9
Happy belated 17 year anniversary to Rangers fans getting to see the greatest player in NHL history play on their team for the first time.
Kings fans who were lucky enough to be there will never forget their first time watching the Great One.
*recites 99 “Hail Grezkys*
FINAL SCORE: 46.4
Another day, another disappointment on my ultimate quest. But with all of these opening days nearly over, we can finally move on.
