HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode X
It’s Opening Night in the NHL!
Well, it’s Day 3 of Opening Night in the NHL or something, I don’t know.
Who cares? Hockey is back!
HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY!
— PumperNicholl (@PumperNicholl) October 1, 2013
And the first game of the season is a wonderful way for fans to be welcomed back by their favorite teams and begin another season-long journey full of unknown possibilities and heartbreaking realities.
Heck, every hockey team’s PR department even makes tonight a huge spectacle of this joyous day through ceremonies, contests, and even commemorative items for fans to cherish forever.
…but it isn’t always pretty…
The Tallahassee Tiger Sharks were apparently the original Dwight King.
This isn’t going to get any better, is it?
Although rhetorical, I’ll go ahead and tell you that it won’t.
So catch up on the rules if you need any clarification and let’s get this going!
No. 5
INITIAL REACTION: 6.5
Nothing like getting a prison number to commemorate the occasion.
USEFULNESS: 2.0
“Yeah, I saw the Sharks lose to the Canucks at something called the ‘Cow Palace’ and now have a pin to show off cause of it. Be jealous.”
PRICE: 7.0
Times must be really hard if the Falloon family has to part with this gem.
VALUE: 3.5
You’d be better off saving your money to move to a city that has a team with an actual chance of winning the Stanley Cup.
STREET CRED: 8.0
Best part about this is that you’d never see anyone over the age of 25 wearing this.
FINAL SCORE: 27.0
No. 4
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
This is everything I’ve ever wanted out of an Atlanta Thrashers T-shirt.
USEFULNESS: 9.5
This is everything I’ve ever wanted to wear to a Winnipeg Jets game.
PRICE: 0.0
*crying and inaudible laughter*
VALUE: 4.0
Happy 14 year and 1 day anniversary, Atlanta!
Too soon?
STREET CRED: 4.5
But might be worth shelling out the money if you’re a Devils fan.
FINAL SCORE: 27.5
No. 3
INITIAL REACTION: 9.0
HOLY HOCKEY NIGHT!
USEFULNESS: 8.0
Sub in the Senators for the Nordiques and you can still use this masterpiece.
PRICE: 2.5
Wow. Pretty pricey, but something like this is sure to last forever.
Fourth graders everywhere are beyond jealous of the high quality material.
VALUE: 5.0
Hockey nerds would kill their cats to have this hanging on their wall.
STREET CRED: 6.5
Jeff Marek may invite you over to show this off.
FINAL SCORE: 30.5
No. 2
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
Is that Patrick Roy?
That looks like Patrick Roy.
HOW DID THEY KNOW PATRICK ROY WOULD JOIN THE AVS?!
USEFULNESS: 3.5
Mid-90s hockey art is the best way to class up your studio apartment.
PRICE: 6.5
It is a pretty cool keepsake of the team that stole a Stanley Cup from the good people of Quebec.
VALUE: 9.5
*stares blankly through the ticket*
I love that pseudo-Roy missed the puck with his glove, which then slid under his stick, all while he plowed through the side of the mountain.
Bonus points for Downtown Denver having exactly two buildings.
STREET CRED: 10.0
Patrick Roy will probably burst through your window like a modern day Kool-Aid guy to high-five you on your excellent purchase.
FINAL SCORE: 39.0
No. 1
INITIAL REACTION: 8.5
Gambling fun for the whole family!
USEFULNESS: 6.0
This is actually how we taught The Royal Half how to play craps at Frozen Fury.
…we haven’t seen him or Flubber since they entered the Stratosphere.
PRICE: 9.0
Who needs Frozen Fury when you have this at home?!
VALUE: 10.0
Seriously, how amazing is this? And why isn’t it in my house?
STREET CRED: 9.0
*starts entering credit card information*
Oh, right.
Um, just expect a lot of Team TRH gambling pics come Sochi and the playoffs.
FINAL SCORE: 42.5
Argh. Close, but still so far.
However, a new hockey season means that we’re bound to find that ultimate piece of hockey memorabilia one day…
