HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode VI
While the whole Hockey Hoarders idea has been an absolute blast, I can’t help but get a bit bummed out when fans claim that I’m ignoring their favorite team.
So although my LA Kings brethren may find it borderline treasonous, I’ve decided to dedicate an entire feature to all of the Anaheim Ducks fan out there.
I must warn you that these images are definitely NSFW and you should be advised to view them only around those who have had some First Aid training.
Just remember that it’s an ugly world out there, and Hockey Hoarders is here to expose all of it.
So review the scoring system and try to hold down your lunch as we delve into a Mighty episode of Hockey Hoarders!
No. 5
INITIAL REACTION: 6.5
This must have been the artist rendering of the original “Knuckle Puck.”
USEFULNESS: 5.0
The mashed potato stains in the midsection are excellent touch for a turquoise shirt.
PRICE: 0.0
So apparently the stains cost extra…
VALUE: 0.0
Unless Bob Corkum himself placed those stains on the shirt this is just the saddest thing I’ve ever seen on eBay.
STREET CRED: 0.5
Who on Earth would pay that much money for a shirt in this condition?!
FINAL SCORE: 12.0
No. 4
INITIAL REACTION: 2.5
Oh, so that first shirt was a bargain…
But holy hell look at that Wild Wing design!
USEFULNESS: 9.5
This would only be better if it had something more ridiculous on the back…
Thank you, Hockey and Fashion Gods.
PRICE: 1.5
Yes, because if you bid $58 now, you run the risk of someone lighting an additional $20 on fire to beat you.
VALUE: 4.0
Throw in a Brian Hayward autograph and this would actually be frame-worthy.
STREET CRED: 3.5
You could easily be the coolest kid in Yorba Linda with this bad boy.
FINAL SCORE: 19.0
No. 3
INITIAL REACTION: 2.0
I guess Tampa Bay had the recessive genes.
USEFULNESS: 8.5
This would be perfect gift for Anatoli Semenov fans!
PRICE: 0.5
Well it seems that Internet has no idea how to price Ducks-related items.
VALUE: 8.0
I think I’d need to see the back before I made up my mind.
I hear Ducks can fly in lightning storms with no problems.
STREET CRED: 6.5
At least it would hide your godawful dragon and/or tribal tattoos.
FINAL SCORE: 25.5
No. 2
INITIAL REACTION: 1.5
Didn’t realize the Kool-Aid guy was a lefty.
USEFULNESS: 9.5
I don’t know. It’d be a lot more useful if there was a hockey-playing duck awkwardly floating and mooning me on the back of the shirt…
He should probably get that whole “pooping what looks to be a rhinoceros’ head” thing checked out.
PRICE: 3.5
Is is that bad that $20 for a constipated hockey duck t-shirt seems like a deal at this point?
VALUE: 3.0
You say it’s only available in XXL?
STREET CRED: 9.0
Everything said above kinda makes this shirt awesome.
FINAL SCORE: 26.5
No. 1
I can’t believe a Southern California team actually used that logo for that long!
USEFULNESS: 9.5
I love that the creator of the shirt felt it was necessary to remind people that the Pond was in fact in Anaheim.
“No, really! There’s a team there! Just like the California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Los Angeles Angels!”
PRICE: 8.5
An appropriately valued 20 year old t-shirt!! WOOO!
VALUE: 4.0
It’s actually cool in a retro way. They didn’t even reduce themselves to recycling any terrible cliched chants.
Agreed. You should “be at LA.”
STREET CRED: 9.5
All things considered, this shirt is pretty damn cool.
Especially since Ducks and Kings fans can unite to remind Toronto that they only have one team.
FINAL SCORE: 37.5
Well we didn’t even get close to a perfect scored today, but there’s always next time…
