PROJECT WRONGWAY
Hey, it’s August and there’s no lockout on the horizon. You know what that means? Painfully slow hockey news!
Because everyone cares, ESPN has employed the expertise of Hockey Uniform Style Expert and Director of Uniform Studies at Kent State University, Paul Lukas, to tell us which NHL teams have the best and worst jerseys. You know it’s legit, too, because Mr. Lukas is billed as “sport’s only full-time uniform reporter.” That is indeed a thing.
His best? Simple and classic designs like the Montreal Canadiens, Boston Bruins, and Detroit Red Wings. Worst? The red, white, and blue barf arrangement of the Washington Capitals, the Colorado Avalanche’s Rob Blake era carryover design, and the Los Angeles Kings.
That’s right, ESPN’s resident Richard Blackwell believes the Kings have the worst sweater design in the NHL. How can this be? Well, Team Hashtag did some investigating, and the jersey rankings may not be as objective and honest as we once thought.
For one, the Avalanche have moved out of the cellar above the Kings despite neither team changing their jersey design since Mr. Lukas’s last uniform ranking list. So, yeah. I guess this means burgundy is coming back into style. You heard it here first, folks!
What’s more, Team Hashtag’s own PumperNicholl finds a flaw in the judging process:
Hey, @ESPN_NHL, you realize the LA Kings don't use that logo or those jerseys anymore, right? http://t.co/DgwsO00Knz
— PumperNicholl (@PumperNicholl) August 22, 2013
Such a minor detail.
Also, and not to start a rumor, but Mr. Lukas may be somewhat biased against Southern California area sports teams. Besides the Kings last place finish, he ranks the L.A. Clippers #26 in his NBA rankings and the San Diego Padres last in his MLB rankings. Plus, he doesn’t even list L.A’s football team in the NFL rankings! What a jerk!
But, at the end of the day who really cares who has the best or worst jerseys, right? It’s just an article of clothing, after all.
Calm down, diva. RT @LAKings @espn @UniWatch did you even look at our jerseys? because you got the logo wrong. http://t.co/w7JxvPmUUw
— Scott Winters (@dancingsousa) August 22, 2013
Surely the Kings do not have the worst uniform design in the NHL, right? Yes, right. In fact, let’s take a look at the true worst five jerseys in the game.
Welcome to our new feature here at The Royal Half…
Fashionista Flubber’s Fashion Faux Pas Five!
Toronto Maple Leafs
Passé. Wearing the same design since the 1920’s might be good for an extra in Boardwalk Empire or for F. Scott Fitzgerald’s zombie, but certainly not for a reputable hockey team.
FASHION TIPS: Blue is out, black is in. Get with the times. Leave it to Toronto to be stuck in the past.
Dallas Stars
Green, white, and black. The Nigerian national hockey team called and they want their jersey back. The crest looks like a misplaced chocolate starfish. Mike Modano must be spinning in his grave.
FASHION TIPS: Green, white, and yellow. Now there’s a color combination that will never go out of style. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel, Dallas.
Philadelphia Flyers
Flying logos went out with the economic lull of the last decade. Airlines filed for bankruptcy, and so should this cheesy ensemble. ABC’s Pan Am was cancelled for a reason, and the Flyers organization really needs to take the hint.
FASHION TIPS: Leave the orange jerseys to the soon-to-be Anaheim Ducks fourth jersey.
Phoenix Coyotes
It’s been nothing but a line of failures since the organization moved away from the green desertscape jersey. Red, the color of negative bottom lines. Red, the color of their biggest fan; an empty seat at Jobing.com Arena.
The coyote-wolf doesn’t have eyes.
FASHION TIPS: Try relocating the logo elsewhere on the sweater, or moving away from the current setup altogether. This will give the outfit a new lease on life without bankrupting the personality of the look.
San Jose Sharks
Teal.
Has anyone noticed that the black alternate jersey has a completely different shark on the front from the primary jerseys?
FASHION TIPS: It’s time to step away from the ineffectual Joe Thornton era; no more teal.
Armed with this information, it’s clear the Kings’ jersey is at worst 25th in the league, and not an abysmal 30th. Of course, when Seattle is granted an expansion franchise and has some cool blue-green mashup with a badasss logo, placing in the bottom 10% will look better by comparison!
(Joke’s on everyone. The new Seattle expansion team is going to be called the Cougars or Wildcats or something stupid and their jerseys are going to look like dogshit).
