HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode V
I’m not exactly sure what I can legally tell you about last night’s LA Weekly Web Awards, but let’s just say that @theroyalhalf may or may not been forced to take a court ordered 72-hour psychological evaluation in exchange for a certain hiking blog to drop all charges.
Fear not, Kings fans, The Half’s absence just means you get a double dose of Hockey Hoarders this week!
But I felt that in keeping with the Throwback Thursday theme, we’d take a look back at the best 1970s hockey memorabilia that I could find on the internet.
The scoring is the same as always.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy a porn stache-filled retro edition of Hockey Hoarders.
No. 5
INITIAL REACTION: 7.5
Awesome tribute to when the LA Kings carried Butch Goring off the ice. I mean, this is truly amazing … I had no idea that Tony Danza was on the 1976 LA Kings!
USEFULNESS: 5.0
We really could have used this program before our Juha Widing podcast.
PRICE: 8.5
It’s so appropriately priced that I don’t even have a joke attempt.
VALUE: 5.0
Goring goal aside, this preview guide is fantastic because it looks like the Kings are celebrating the fact that they finished 52 points behind Montreal in the Norris Division.
STREET CRED: 1.5
You’ll probably get a high-five from Vic Venasky, which is why I had to severely downgrade it.
FINAL SCORE: 27.5
No. 4
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
Holy pierogi!
USEFULNESS: 4.5
If it’s real, you’d probably never touch it again.
PRICE: 1.5
ONLY $9000?
VALUE: 9.0
It’s pretty valuable for the nerd jersey heads. But I question that whoever owns this jersey got it signed by Rogie Vachon and then never bothered to ask if and when he wore it.
STREET CRED: 3.5
Most new Kings fans would probably just ask why you let the jersey turn so yellow.
FINAL SCORE: 28.5
No. 3
INITIAL REACTION: 2.0
Hey, that’s pretty neat they got all of the NHL teams onto this bedspre… WHERE THE HELL ARE THE KINGS?
USEFULNESS: 6.5
So apparently the whole forgetting about the Kings thing can be traced back to the mid-70s. That’s cool. And I bet it will warm the hearts of Sharks fans.
PRICE: 8.5
Hmm. It’s almost too cheap. Almost.
VALUE: 8.0
It’s the perfect bedspread to showcase that you’ve given up on sex.
STREET CRED: 7.5
This is probably the coolest NHL-themed bedspread from the 1970s! I mean, you will never see ANYTHING better than this one, for sure.
FINAL SCORE: 32.5
No. 2
INITIAL REACTION: 9.5
HA! Suck it, previous bedspread.
USEFULNESS: 7.0
This bedspread is far more practical and actually has a Kings logo! Never mind that it’s the smallest one.
PRICE: 3.5
Oomph. A bit higher, but far better artwork.
VALUE: 8.0
It’s the perfect bedspread to showcase that you’ve given up on being judged. (as well as sex.)
STREET CRED: 8.0
This is the coolest NHL-themed bedspread from the 1970s. I’m just not sure what that means.
FINAL SCORE: 36.0
No. 1
*head explodes*
USEFULNESS: 9.5
I may have actually started looking online to buy a 45 player. Hipsters claim you can really feel the music on these record players, which is exactly what I need when I listen to “Please Forgive My Misconduct Last Night.”
PRICE: 9.5
WHY HAS NO ONE BOUGHT THIS YET.
Now I’m just mad.
VALUE: 9.0
It’s pretty cool and all but … holy crap they called themselves Dionne and Puck-Tones?!?!
STREET CRED: 9.5
Besides the fact that this song was written by Robin Thicke’s dad???
The only sad part is that a lot of Kings fans wouldn’t even know who these people are. But if you ever want to find me at Staples Center, I’ll be the guy humming along to this 1979 classic.
FINAL SCORE: 47.5
WOW that was the closest we’ve ever gotten to a 50!
Alas, no perfect score today, but there’s always next time…
