Whether it’s at a game, friend’s house, or just while perusing the eternal vortex that is the Internet, we’ve all come across a piece of hockey memorabilia and can’t help but wonder:

“What were they thinking?”

And “they” is a term that becomes even more difficult to define the longer you think about it.

Who would think of it?

Who would raise a child that thinks this way?

Who would encourage this idea?

Who would agree to make it?

Who would sell it in their store?

Who would buy it?

Who would actually use it?

Again, who would raise a child that thinks this way?

Fortunately, we’re not going to delve into the existentialist thought process of this topic.

Instead, we’ll find some products online and arbitrarily rate them in a quest to find the perfect piece of hockey memorabilia.

The most exciting part of this project is there’s no telling what it could be!

I’ve already come across so many things that have blown my mind that this project may never end. Perhaps, one day, my great grandson will pass this cursed idea onto his own son or daughter and keep this infinite journey alive. Frankly, I’m OK with that possibility.

With that said, let’s set up those arbitrary rules.

There will be five pieces of, um, “art” that will be critiqued on each post which will be ranked on an even more arbitrary point system.


Initial Reaction: Roughly ranging from “WTF” to “OMG.”

Usefulness: We all wish we could buy a used Los Angeles Kings zamboni, but who would actually use that?

Price: You paid HOW much?

Value: You can wear a shirt 500 times, but you’ll never let an autographed stick touch the ground.

Street Cred: Will people high-five or mock you for this purchase?

Each of the five categories will be judged on a 10-point scale. Decimals will be included. Just go along with this like you pretend to understand the figure skating scoring system at the Olympics. I’ll rank each in order, but that doesn’t mean they have to be great to be No. 1 (See: 1998-2013 Southeast Division).

The goal of this is to find the impossible. A perfect 50-point piece of hockey memorabilia that is arbitrarily judged by me.

No, I don’t want your game-worn Drew Doughty jersey.

YES, I would consider killing someone for your 1983 Chrysler Le Baron that was once owned by Bob Halkidis.

So without further fluff material adieu, let’s begin:

*Editor’s note: No, we are not going all slideshow crazy on you. The items are simply being broken up so they can be easily accessed in the future.

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PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies. You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl