PLAYOFF PREVIEW PARTY – KNOW YOUR 3RD ROUND OPPONENT: CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

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*THE FOLLOWING BELOW IS NOT WRITTEN BY THE ROYAL HALF,
BUT RATHER OUR RESIDENT CREEPER AND OPPONENT-PREVIEWER, ONE GIRL, ONE PUCK*

I'm currently writing this mere minutes after the Blackhawks advanced to the Western Conference Final. Why? Well, because there will never be a better time for me to write about the vile scum of the the Chicago Blackhawks. After a series of crying, diving, and just general shit bag behavior against the Red Wings, I have never felt this level of disdain for the Hawks before. Long ago (2010), I rooted like hell for that team. I wanted the city of Chicago and their fans to finally win something for a change. I loved that team with all it's Kris Versteeg-ness and drunk idiots. What a great team that was.

Over the past few years though, that temporary insanity has dwindled, and the mere mention of the Hawks right now is forcing bile up my throat. Fuck this team. I've had the pleasure of watching a Red Wings team basically expose everything a team needs to do to beat these guys. Unfortunately, the Wings came up just short, but now the defending Stanley Cup Champions will finish the job. So without further yapping, let's look at the exact way to beat the reigning President's Trophy winners (which is like a better version of the Stanley Cup anyway… right Vancouver?)

#NeverForget

Click Here to Read the Know Your 3rd Round Opponent for for the Kings vs Chicago Blackhawks!!!

First off I have to talk about what a bunch of little shits this team is. All year I feared playing the Hawks because I thought there was no way they would ever fall for the Kings antics. You know what I'm talking about, the pestering that turns captains into this…
 

I thought "No, the Hawks are too composed. They're simply too skilled to fall for that bullshit." Well guess what?
 

BOO HOO

Yep, what a baby! Seriously, this happened from a little pestering from Henrik Zetterberg. YES HENRIK ZETTERBERG! The same guy who sells his balls for people to enjoy.
 

This is what prompted Toews to become a huge baby? This shit? Oh my God just wait until Dustin Brown gets a hold of your ass. You're gonna pray for the warm confines of Zetterberg's luscious beard. Toews also took some of the dumbest fucking penalties you've seen in your life during this series.
 

Seriously Toews? What the fuck were you thinking on these plays? That's some mother fucking leadership if I've ever seen it. So much leadership in fact, Nacho King Brent Seabrook had to tell Toews to calm the fuck down when he was in the penalty box for the third time in less than ten minutes.

Toews isn't the only idiot on the team though. Oh, not by a long shot! The role of resident shit bag easily goes to Andrew Shaw.
 

 

 

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