Know Your Opponent: San Jose Sharks 3-20-12

As we head into the final 10 games of the 2011-2012 NHL season, I thought that we should take a deeper look at the big opponents each week. I’m too busy writing brilliant satire to do this… so I thought I’d ask one of my favorite new bloggers, Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck to take an in-depth look at the opponent that the Los Angeles Kings will face 3 times in the next 10 games starting Tuesday… the San Jose Sharks. Now, the Sharks have struggled mightily in the 2nd half of this season… and Brigitte has an idea exactly why this is happening. And it may have something to do with this guy.

Click Here to Check Out “Know Your Opponent” for the Kings vs Sharks Game on Tuesday, March 20!!!

First off I’d like to thank The Royal Half for letting me write something on his site. I’m truly honored, hopefully it doesn’t suck. I slum it over at my blog One Girl, One Puck where the headline reads “some girl’s hockey blog”, that’s a pretty accurate description. I’m a huge Kings fan, but I try to be semi-unbiased on the blog. Heck I even wrote a post about Jamie Benn this week. So of course I’m excited to let my bias show here at The Royal Half. Hopefully this becomes a weekly feature where I write about one Kings opponent and what to expect from them. I might just end up talking shit about them, this seems more plausible actually. Well enjoy!

Ugly is a Disease

You would think Tommy Wingles had gotten used to looking at freakishly ugly people by now.

The San Jose Sharks are bad this season. My theories on why they’re so bad vary from a psychopathic puppet to a broken heart. However, I think I’ve finally figured out what the problem is, the San Jose Sharks are painfully ugly. Warning: The photos below may be disturbing for some audiences.


OMG What is that???? Kill it! Kill it!


O good lord, is that even a human?


 WTF? I’m assuming he’s wearing that suit to distract people from his train wreck of a face.

Benn Ferriero’s hideousness broke the poor camera.

Seriously, I can’t watch a Sharks game and not be disturbed by their ugliness. If I have a hard time watching them on TV imagine having to be in a locker room with them? Or even worse imagine looking like them? Their incredible unattractiveness has to have shaken their confidence. Maybe last season they were blissfully unaware of their ugliness, or maybe they were in denial, but this year reality has hit them like a ton of bricks.

Good God even the Logan Couture bobble head is disgusting.

Just imagine how these guys must feel when they play super sexy teams like the Penguins or Rangers.

O my how sad. James Neal donates to charities for people like Logan.

In all fairness, everyone looks like shit next to Henrik Lundqvist.

But don’t feel too sad for the Sharks. They’ve brought some of this on themselves. The Sharks have secretly been cloning players for years, and it’s starting to backfire. Everyone knows that clones are never as good as the original. Jason Demers is proof.

You know you see it!

Honestly… Jason Demers isn’t really that ugly, but anything cloned from Ryan Clowe has to be gross.

The Sharks also insist on trading away any of their semi-attractive players.

“I’ll see you ugly mother fuckers later!”

And look at the ugly sons of bitches they bring in.

Good news TJ… you’re probably better looking than two-thirds of your teammates.

Handzus just wouldn’t have fit in with the new sexy direction the Kings were going this year. You’re where you belong now.

“What about me? I’m awesome!”
Yeah, OK Joe, Cody Hodgson can’t even look at you, you’re so hideous.

“Hey I’m here!”
No one care about you Greiss. You’re just the backup, go away.

O jeez. Nice sweater Ryan. Why is Torrey so small? I’d make fun of Douglas Murray but he might kill me.

O God, could you imagine what a clone from these two would look like?

I guess you could imagine that.

So is that the reason for the Sharks shitty play? I think so, and I’m always right. I mean they couldn’t have always been this ugly of a team could they?

Never mind.

But don’t confuse their ugliness as a weakness. In fact, the Sharks have been very successfully in the past by blinding teams with their deformed faces. So my tip for the Kings on having success against the Sharks is to simply avoid looking directly at them. Easy enough right?

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones. You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.