5 Alternative Uses for Dustin Penner

The NHL season may be kicking into overdrive with the start of the 2nd round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, but for the Los Angeles Kings organization and its fans… the NHL season is over. The Kings management team have begun their evaluation of the past season, while looking to see how they can improve on the next. It’s no secret that Dustin Penner failed to perform for the Kings after his trade deadline acquisition. When GM Dean Lombardi gave up a 1st round draft pick, former 1st rounder Colton Tuebert and a 3rd round pick for the former 30 goal scorer… I doubt that 8 points in 25 games is what he expected. Kings fans have been ruthless in their evaluation of Penner’s performance (or lack there of) but the fact of the matter is that Dustin Penner is signed through next season as a King. So Dean Lombardi partnered with Los Angeles Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, to see if there was a way during the off-season that they could use Penner’s skills on the ice in and around the great city of Los Angeles. I mean, the guy is getting paid 4.25 million… he might as well earn it, right?

LAX Airport Decorative Light-Up Pylon

Built for the 2000 Democratic National Convention, the LAX Pylons are works of public art that welcome over 58 million people each year to Los Angeles. And since Dustin Penner looks sharp in his Kings purple vintage jersey… having him spend the summer standing there like a plyon really is a natural fit.

110 Freeway Support Beam

Los Angeles residents spend nearly 4 days a year just sitting in freeway traffic. So it’s important for the city to provide proper upkeep of the dozen major freeways that crisscross the city. Dustin Penner has been praised for his size, so placing him under the 110 Freeway Carpool Lane as a support beam seems like the best use of his hulking frame. 

Jon Hamm Lighting Stand-In

At 6′ 4″, Dustin Penner is the perfect height to stand in for the role of Don Draper on the set of the hit AMC drama Mad Men. You see, actors would rather be preparing for a scene in the comfort of their trailer instead of standing under the hot lights as the Director of Photography tweaks the set to get it just right. Many productions use a “stand-in” that is similar to the actor in height and complexion. All you really have to do all day is stand in place and you collect a paycheck. Dustin Penner would be excellent at this. Besides, it’s a perfect match… Jon Hamm is tall, dark and handsome and has a passion for the game of hockey while Dustin Penner is tall, dark and handsome. 

Oscar Statuette

Los Angeles is the mecca of the film world, so for many actors, the ultimate prize is taking home an Oscar Award in recognition of their excellent performance in a film. It’s like their version of the Stanley Cup! An Oscar Statuette stands 13½ inches tall and weighs in at a robust 8½ pounds of pure metal. Some Hollywood celebs have won so many Oscars, there really is no other use for them than as a paperweight. Again, a great way to capitalize on Dustin Penner’s skillset.

The “Y” in the Hollywood Sign

Sure, a lot of these alternative uses for Dustin Penner involve working in the entertainment industry, but many prominent Los Angeles sports stars have been able to carve out excellent careers entertaining people off the playing field. 

After 2 1/2 months, Kings fans are used to screaming “WHY!” when it comes to Penner’s performance on the ice, so in the battle to keep the Hollywood sign looking fresh and new, Penner can really help out. 

Penner might as well try one of these alternate jobs…
cause he sure as hell ain’t good at the ones listed above. 

Of course, only Dustin Penner knows what he plans to do in the off-season to make up for his poor showing as a Los Angeles King. But off the ice, maybe he’ll catch on while trying out one of these alternate jobs so that he can help re-pay his debt to the great city of Los Angeles. 

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones. You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.