PLAYOFF PREVIEW PARTY – KNOW YOUR 3RD ROUND OPPONENT: CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

*THE FOLLOWING BELOW IS NOT WRITTEN BY THE ROYAL HALF,
BUT RATHER OUR RESIDENT CREEPER AND OPPONENT-PREVIEWERONE GIRL, ONE PUCK*


I'm currently writing this mere minutes after the Blackhawks advanced to the Western Conference Final. Why? Well, because there will never be a better time for me to write about the vile scum of the the Chicago Blackhawks. After a series of crying, diving, and just general shit bag behavior against the Red Wings, I have never felt this level of disdain for the Hawks before. Long ago (2010), I rooted like hell for that team. I wanted the city of Chicago and their fans to finally win something for a change. I loved that team with all it's Kris Versteeg-ness and drunk idiots. What a great team that was.

Over the past few years though, that temporary insanity has dwindled, and the mere mention of the Hawks right now is forcing bile up my throat. Fuck this team. I've had the pleasure of watching a Red Wings team basically expose everything a team needs to do to beat these guys. Unfortunately, the Wings came up just short, but now the defending Stanley Cup Champions will finish the job. So without further yapping, let's look at the exact way to beat the reigning President's Trophy winners (which is like a better version of the Stanley Cup anyway… right Vancouver?)

#NeverForget

Click Here to Read the Know Your 3rd Round Opponent for for the Kings vs Chicago Blackhawks!!!


First off I have to talk about what a bunch of little shits this team is. All year I feared playing the Hawks because I thought there was no way they would ever fall for the Kings antics. You know what I'm talking about, the pestering that turns captains into this…
 

I thought "No, the Hawks are too composed. They're simply too skilled to fall for that bullshit." Well guess what?
 


BOO HOO

Yep, what a baby! Seriously, this happened from a little pestering from Henrik Zetterberg. YES HENRIK ZETTERBERG! The same guy who sells his balls for people to enjoy.
 

This is what prompted Toews to become a huge baby? This shit? Oh my God just wait until Dustin Brown gets a hold of your ass. You're gonna pray for the warm confines of Zetterberg's luscious beard. Toews also took some of the dumbest fucking penalties you've seen in your life during this series.
 

Seriously Toews? What the fuck were you thinking on these plays? That's some mother fucking leadership if I've ever seen it. So much leadership in fact, Nacho King Brent Seabrook had to tell Toews to calm the fuck down when he was in the penalty box for the third time in less than ten minutes.

Toews isn't the only idiot on the team though. Oh, not by a long shot! The role of resident shit bag easily goes to Andrew Shaw.
 


 
Yes, let's slew foot Valtteri Filppula because man he's such a tough guy.
I know Filp was just such a dick in this series too.
He really needed to be injured in order to stop the terror. 
 

 
Oh wow that's right the other shit bag, Bryan Bickell, boarding Jakub Kindl
followed by a dirty elbow from living dog excrement Andrew Shaw.
This is the 2013 Chicago Blackhawks in gif form. 

 
Of course that's not all you can expect from the Blackhawks. Oh no, they're more than just a bunch of turd cocktails, they're also shameless fucking divers. 
 
 
He's been shot! Hurry someone find that sniper! 
 
 

RIP MARIAN HOSSA
 

At least we got this sweet Mike Babcock gif out if it! 
 
So what can the Kings do to compete with all this douchebag behavior? Well I think the answer is this…
 

KILL THEM!!
 
HIT THESE GUYS ALL DAY! This shouldn't be a problem for the Kings, because they hit more than any team left in the playoffs. The Red Wings were successful when they hit the shit out of these guys. The more the Red Wings pushed, the more the Hawks took dumb penalties and got off their game. Hard hitting and strong forechecking is what almost cost the Hawks this series. So basically the two things the Kings do best. Take away their space, AND MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FUCKING PUCK SUPPORT! 
 
 
FORECHECK MY HEART!!!
 
I'm not saying it will be easy, but the Red Wings did us a huge favor and exposed the weaknesses of this team. You should all thank them! In fact I have a wonderful way that you can. Recently a lovely gentleman decided to have a little fun with noted cry baby Patrick Kane. I reached out to him on twitter,  follow him because he's awesome, and he was kind of enough to lend me a gift that I will share with you in a second. First though, I'll break down that post for a second. It's a touching tale that I hope inspires you to continue his legacy. 
 
 
 
This guy is my hero already.
 
Even Kane's teammates hate him obviously. 
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU KANE! 
 
EAT SHIT KANE.
 
Jimmy Howard is the best. 
 
 
This man deserves a fucking medal. So why not show him how awesome he is, and get a little trolling in ourselves? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…MRS. DONNA KANE! 
 
 
 
I encourage all of you to meet me at the glass for Blackhawks warmups while holding photos of Mrs Donna Kane! Let's tell Patrick Kane just how much his mom supports him and wants him to do well. In fact, if you have any messages you want Donna to tell her son, feel free to use this speech bubble as well! 
 
 
 
The rest is up to you Kings fans! I know you'll do everyone proud and come up with some creative things to tell Mr. Kane! 
 
 
 
 

 OneGirl, One Puck is a Hockey Lover, Pseudo Blogger and Girl Equal Opportunity Creeper. In addition to her regular "Know Your Opponent" series at The Royal Half, you can read more of her ramblings at her blog. You can also follow her on Twitter... but be warned. 

 

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.