Playoff Preview Party – Know Your 1st Round Opponent: Vancouver Canucks

Even though she’s played less games than Jeff Carter, Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck has been voted best newcomer at The Royal Half… finishing a few points ahead of Dustin Penner’s Sad Face. You can check out her in-depth “Know Your Opponent” series here and here. You see, Brigitte is a young woman who can’t afford a therapist to work out her issues with hockey players. So instead, she tackles her deep psychological issues by taking a look at the Los Angeles Kings opponent for this 1st Round Playoff Series… the incredibly good-looking Vancouver Canucks. I like to refer to her as the Dr. Ruth of The Royal Half… but you just might think she’s crazy. Either way… enjoy reading Brigitte’s thoughts on the Kings taking on the Canucks starting tonight in Vancouver.

Click Here to Check Out “Know Your Opponent” for the Kings vs Canucks 1st Round Series!!!

Well it’s that time of the year folks, yes it’s time for me to be a complete train wreck. I’ve been saying for a least a month how I cannot emotionally handle a playoff series with the Canucks. Hey guess what? The Kings hate me and decided to completely collapse the last two games of the year, again! So now they get to play the two-time President’s Trophy winning Canucks. Oh Joy! If you didn’t catch my complete psychiatric collapse on Twitter the other night, you should… it was glorious. Here’s a picture that sums it up for you.

 

If you need me I’ll be here for the next two weeks.

Well I guess I need to get my drunk ass out of the gutter for a few minutes and tell you what to expect from the Canucks. I already talked about them a few weeks ago, and I’m sure it was something the male readers of this blog enjoyed. This time is different however, the Canucks are the enemy not just the opponent. I’m ready to talk shit about these guys… I hate them… it’s on bitches.

 

“But Brigitte that makes me sad!”
Stop it Ryan! Stop it right now! I will not be swayed by your pouting. Go to hell!

 

Ugggg…..why???? Stop being sad, I can’t handle it! I’m Sorry!!!!! We can’t be friends Chris.

 

“WHY? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!”
I do David, I do, but please not now. Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.

 

“Oh come on now, you can’t resist us. Don’t deny your feelings.”
NO! DIE IN A FIRE!!!

  

“Look at me! You know you love this face.”
GO AWAY!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!

  

“Haha she thinks she can resist us. Yea right just wait until we bring out the secret weapon.”
Secret Weapon?? What??

 

NOOOOOO NOT THE ABS!!!!

 

Mother of God! Why? Must resist….must not give into urges. 

Who is this perfect? No you flawless Swede leave me alone!

 

“Haha we’ll get you. It will happen.”
You are all evil!

No I will not give in! Stop it! I am an adult, I can resist! I will make my decisions with my head and my heart, not with my pants!

  

No, you’re not number one. You suck!

 

Hahaha you suck! You can’t even score on the Ducks? You’re pathetic!

Cody Hodgson was better than you. Plus, he was waaay sexier!

Yep that’s right I’m putting you in the trash. You’re dead to me.

“What? You can’t leave us!”
Well I just did. Deal with it.

“Are you sure?”
OH GOD NOT THE GLASSES!!!!!!

No Tanev! Put your shirt on. OH NO.

OK you’re right I can’t hate you. Oh your face, oh your hair, OMG!!!

“Haha gotcha! I knew you were too weak.”

Yes I am too weak. I’m a sad pathetic excuse of a person. It still doesn’t mean I’m rooting for you. I hope the Kings destroy you! I hope they kill you! I hope they make you cry! GO KINGS GO! But you’re still sexy Canucks, and yes I will still have sex with you if you want.  If anyone needs me I’ll be in the psychiatric ward staring at a wall.

I’ll see you there Cory.

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.