PLAYOFF PREVIEW PARTY – KNOW YOUR 1ST ROUND OPPONENT: ST. LOUIS BLUES

Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck is back with an all-St. Louis Blues Playoff Edition of her demented look at the LA Kings opponent… something we like to call "Know Your Opponent!" Now, Brigitte has taken on the St. Louis Blues before… but this time… it's personal. Take it away, Brigitte…

*THE FOLLOWING BELOW IS NOT WRITTEN BY THE ROYAL HALF, BUT RATHER A GUEST WRITER*

Let's talk about the Blues again shall we? I feel like I've made my mild dislike for the Blues known previously. I may have ever so subtly slipped that in one of my previous Know Your Opponent posts about them. The Blues are one of those teams where you think "Man I hear they're really good, but I don't actually know anything about them." Well guess what? I'm hear to help, like for real this time. Is there actual information located in this post? Maybe, if you actually don't know the whole roster. Since we'll be getting quite intimately acquainted with the Blues this next week or two, I've decided to take a look at some of the lesser known members of the team. (Take your pick on which one of these assholes we'll all hate by the end of the series)
 

He really is kind of tiny.

Ok, so people do talk about Sobotka a lot (cue Pierre McGuire's boner), but he's still not one of the Blues "stars". He's also pretty small, at least compared to some other guys on the team. Pretty sure the Kings could literally eat him alive…(insert Dustin Penner/Drew Doughty joke here)
 


 
He also looks like every kid in every 90s movie ever made.
 


 
There's also this picture of his tiny body with sassy Patrick Berglund. 
If you're into midget porn, you're welcome. 
 
He looks like he's 45…I'm so sorry guy. 
 
I honestly don't know anything about him either. All I know is that people like to make puns and Spaceballs references from his name. Feel free to continue doing that. 
 
I'm gonna guess he's a big Spaceballs fan also…just a guess though. 

"Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time."

     

SUP

So Ryan Reaves is the Blues designated asshat. There's a lot of other asshats on the team, but they have personally assigned Ryan Reaves as their asshat representative. Just look at that fucking picture, I want to punch him in his stupid fucking face. I'll buy a shirsey of the first Kings player to pop this bitch (if he actually plays in the playoffs LOLOLOL). He's probably just mad he had to live in Winnipeg. 
 

Fuck off dickface!
 
What a terrible fucking trade that was, who approved that shit? 
 
If you're reading the above information and saying, "Hey isn't this fool Swedish?" well you're not alone, I had to Google that shit too. While Googling I can across this gem. 
 

No idea why his nickname is "Six shooter" but it sounds dirty. 
God just look at those Leafs "prospects", no wonder it was a fucking decade before they made the playoffs again. 
 

Look at those dumb fucking tattoos. 
I bet he's friends with Mike Richards. 
 
Presented without comment….

Again…I can't…

JAK-man. 
 
You never hear about Barret Jackman honestly. That's probably a good thing for Blues fans, the less you hear about a defenseman the better. I can't help but think there's a reason we don't hear about him though….a sinister reason…
 

OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 
SOMEONE GO HELP OH MY GOD!!!!!
 
29 likes…so sad. 
 
He looks terrified in the picture, probably because he can't get away from Ken Hitchcock. Kris probably won't play though, because the Blues got some defensemen who are worse than he is to play. It's cool by me guys! 
 
He's probably benched because Alex Steen couldn't stop thinking about his lips.

 
Nightmare Fuel. 
 

That's a pretty terrible trade too, Jesus who's behind these things???
 
I wonder if there's a reason to hate Andy McDonald. I mean he seems like a good enough guy right? I don't think I can figure out a way to hate him…
 

Oh yea that…YEA FUCK THAT GUY! 
 
Well I hope you guys learned a little something about the scrubs on the Blues. You probably won't see half those guys in the playoffs, but whatever. The Blues are known for being a shitbox organization, so don't be surprised if you do see some no talent idiots out there. Sometimes the Blues and their organization are their own worst enemy.
 
 A company who's slogan makes zero sense is the "Official Whole Grains" of the the Blues. 
Sounds about right. 
(This isn't a photoshop BTW, go over to the Blues website and take a look if you don't believe me)
 
In closing I will end with this….
 

Stunned David Backes.
 Murdered Roman Polak. 
Kings in 4. 
Contract the Blues. 
Hockey Bliss.

 

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.