NORTH AMERICA’S NEXT TOP BLOGGER – DAY ONE

SUPERTEASE SCRIPT v2 a/o 8-12-13

VO:
THE INTERNET… A PLACE WHERE DREAMS CAN COME TRUE…

A young, pimply faced boy clicks “Tweet” on his phone and fist-pumps as he sends the greatest Calgary Flames joke ever to his 14 followers.

VO:
… BUT ALSO WHERE THEY CAN BE SHATTERED.

A middle-aged woman checks her Google Analytics stats and sees there are no new visitors to her blog today. A tear drips from her right eye.

VO:
TONIGHT… 7 STRANGERS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY WILL COME TOGETHER…
(slo-mo of cast walking through LA Live)

VO:
THEY WILL FEEL THE PASSION…

Two people sit on a couch and scream at each other debating the merits of CORSI.

VO:
THE EMOTION…

A frustrated man throws his snapback LA Kings hat on the floor and then hurls his iPhone against the wall.

VO:
THE INTENSITY.

A woman is just about to post her game recap as the Capitals tie the game, sending it into overtime. A tear drips from her left eye.

VO:
THEY WILL HAVE TO FIGHT TO COMPETE…

7 men and women leap over a variety of obstacles, crawl through the mud and then reach up from the ground as they click the “return” button on a keyboard.

 VO:
BECAUSE  IN THE END… ONLY ONE…
(hero shots of the cast with arms crossed, staring into camera)

 VO:
…WILL WIN BUD LIGHT LIME AND TRH T-SHIRTS FOR LIFE…
(close up of cases of Bud Light Lime and TRH T-Shirts)

VO:
…AND THE HONOR OF BEING NAMED…

As part of the TRH 3.0 worldwide re-branding, we decided to search far and wide to find the next great voice in hockey blogging for The Royal Half.

Of course by “search far and wide”…
I mean pimp out for a new writer on Twitter.

To everyone that responded to the open call (we had 20 applicants!), we sent a simple 10 question application and asked the potential writers to pen a blog post on the following topic: “What is the biggest missing piece for the LA Kings heading into this season?” We also went out of our way to remind the applicants that this was in no way a paying job… the only compensation they would get is free Bud Light Lime at TRH Watch Parties and free TRH Tshirts for life*. (*not actually true.)

Pretty much how all of #TeamTRH gets paid.

So here’s how it works… each day this week, we are going to feature a potential new writer for The Royal Half and post their answers to the questionnaire. Then… it’s up to you, loyal TRH reader, to decide who is going to move on to the next round by posting your comments below and voting in the poll at the bottom of the page. The competition is fierce… and no one is here to make friends.

First up is King Tufficult, who based his nickname on a bizarre slip of the tongue by LA Kings Radio Color Commentator Darryl Evans (combining tough and difficult) and the ensuing fun that LA Kings SuperFan Colin Hanks had with it. You can find him on Twitter @KingTufficult. Here are some of Tifficult’s answers to the TRH Questionairre, as well as his sample post.

1) Please give us a brief history of your level of Los Angeles Kings fandom.

My dad is from Montreal, but was a Nordiques fan until they moved to Colorado… and I had the weird experience of living with someone who actively followed the Avalanche. My dad never did become a full-on Kings fan, but we went to games at the Forum from the time I was probably 8. He also hung around Iceoplex, where he used to skate around with McSorely and the guys, back in the days where they were a bit more accessible. Because of all this, I’m pretty sure I thought my dad was on the Kings when I was a little kid. I grew up in a household that had NHL Center Ice for as far back as I can remember, and I only became more obsessed with the Kings as each year passed. I’ve been a poor grad student for the last couple of years, so I only get to go to a handful of games each year, but as I said earlier, I follow the team so closely that I know if Drew Doughty dutch ovens his girlfriend mere moments after it happens. So… yeah, the Kings are in my blood.

2) Besides the LA Kings winning the Stanley Cup, what is the greatest moment in LA Kings history for you?

I was at the game against the Red Wings where Heidi Androl had the red sweatshirt on and we came back to win in dramatic fashion after she took it off. Actually, when Heidi takes it off, everybody wins.

3) Why do you want to write for TRH? What sort of stories/articles would you want to do that you aren’t seeing currently on The Royal Half?

I think I can add a lot to the site. The role I had in mind that I think I could excel at is by taking a bit more of an analytical approach to my articles without losing the patented TRH snark. In other words, I think I’d contribute best with something like a game recap or trade analysis that provides more stat-driven or meaningful content (heh… no offense. You know what I mean) as well as the humor that the site is known for. Like Surly&Scribe, but funnier . *TRH NOTE: King Tifficult is immediately disqualified from this competition.

4) Who is your favorite member of #TeamTRH and why? Who is your least favorite member of #TeamTRH and why?

My favorite member is The Royal Half himself, because of his unwavering approach to the “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” brand of humorous tweeting. His gleeful retweeting of people complaining about the sheer number of turdly tweets before he has a great one is weird and hilarious in itself. My least favorite is One Girl, One Puck because… god damn she’s creepy. I get the blog equivalent of piss shiver when I read her stuff. *TRH NOTE: King Tifficult is immediately reinstated in this competition for using the phrase “piss shiver.”

5) What is your least favorite part of The Royal Half? Please be honest.

It’s the court jester of Kings blogs. Definitely worth following for the hilarity, but I think stronger/more game-to-game content (without losing the humor angle) would really get the hooks in deep with readers.

6) Gretzky or Robitaille? Please explain.

Robitaille, because that fucker Gretzky never paid me back for our bet on the coin flip of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.

What is the biggest missing piece heading into the season for the LA Kings?
By KingTifficult

The Los Angeles Kings aren’t missing many pieces going into this season, besides Jeff Carter’s glorious orthodontia and the absence of musky enigmatic winger Dustin Penner. Only two areas of the team arguably need shoring up to make a serious run at another Cup final appearance: Left wing (definitely a question mark) and defense (Jeff Schultz).

On left wing, the Kings look to be icing the following players next year: Dustin Brown, Kyle Clifford, Dwight King, and Daniel Carcillo. Kings fans can rightfully be a bit nervous about the dropoff in skill after our captain. Although Dwight King is amazing at both (1) flaring his nostrils and (2) looking angrily constipated as he battles for pucks in the corners, both his knack for finding the twine and his mean streak seem to have deserted him as of late. Kyle Clifford has a ton of upside as well as the most annoying fan-given nickname on the team, so I’ll be looking for him to have a big year and take that next step he’s been showing us glimpses of from time to time. Dan Carcillo is the X factor here, and I truly believe he has a chance to score a goal before he’s suspended after the third game of the season. Actually, if Carcillo can stay healthy, he’s put up better numbers than Cliffy in his career and could be a surprising source of extra points. Lord knows he’ll be motivated to stay in LA with Richards and Carter.

On defense, we’ll be looking for Jake Muzzin to take a big step forward defensively and build upon the surprising offensive skill he showed last year. My girlfriend thought his name was “Muffin” for a solid week or two, and unfortunately that name proved itself to be all too apt when it came to the playoffs last year. Aside from a couple of admittedly bright moments, Muzzin spent most of the playoffs looking like he might fill his trousers at any moment. Rob Scuderi sadly left us this offseason, but Dean swiftly moved to fill that hole with “defenseman” Jeff Schultz. Schultz had nothing but positive things to say about his time as a Washington Capital:

 “My agent and I thought there has got to be somewhere else where a team needs a player like myself and I can be utilized a lot more than I was here,” Schultz told the Washington Post. “It was like I was a young first year player again with them.

“They didn’t have that trust in me that they could put me out there in tough situations or even in the third period.”

And there you have it – even on defense, the LA Kings are ready to face the 2013-2014 season with gusto (and only 5 D in the third period). Few holes remain for this elite team that won a cup little more than a year ago, as Coach Darryl Sutter recently returned from IR after getting some bad news following a routine turn-and-cough last year.

From Staples, to Dodger Stadium, to another shot at the Stanley Cup, Kings fans can rest assured this will be a fantastic season to remember.

Alright, North America! It’s time for you to decide.
Place your vote above and let’s hear what you have to say in comments below!

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.
  • Maseas

    I love this guy. This is not him by the way.

  • Karen Rae

    I can get stats from dozens of other accounts! I want unique insight and snark – nothing more, nothing less! He is either the jelly to your peanut butter, or your e-coli to your perky sprouts!