KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: VANCOUVER CANUCKS 3.2.13

It's Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck with an in-depth look at the Los Angeles Kings opponent for Saturday, March 2nd… the Vancouver Canucks! Or as I like to call it… shooting fish in a barrel! 

Click Here to Read the Know Your Opponent for for the Kings vs Vancouver Canucks on March 3rd, 2013!!!

 Full Disclaimer: Parts of this post were written while under the influence of one or more adult beverages. Drunk me can get very pervy, proceed with caution. 

Oh the Canucks, they hold such a special spot in my pants heart. Unlike 99.99% of hockey fans outside of British Columbia, I actually like the Canucks. In case you were unaware of this from my two previous posts about the Canucks here at The Royal Half, I basically like them because I want to have sexual relations with them. I'm a shallow asshole, deal with it. So this post is going to be factual and have a lot of real information about the Canucks right?

LOL NOPE.

Did you really expect me to talk about Ryan Kesler being injured AGAIN, or how the Canucks got shelled the other day in Detroit? I mean did you really think I was going to talk about the goalie controversy or the break out year for Chris Tanev? Nope, none of it.

 
I mean can you blame me for having dirty thoughts
when pictures like this are floating around the internet?

It's really not my fault guys. Like I've said before, these guys WANT the attention. They also want to bone each other more than we could ever want to get in their pants.

 
 Yea you know what's going on here. 
Ryan: "Hey Alex we gonna knock some boots later?"
Alex: "Jeez Kes not in the locker room. Everyone is watching."
 
 
Here's Ryan once again playing the field. 
Ryan: "I'm gonna make you show off those splits later Lu."
Lu: "Don't worry I limbered up earlier. My body is ready."

 
Kevin: "Ryan honey, don't worry I'll take care of the guy that hurt you
and I'll make you feel all better."
Ryan: "Thanks Juice, you can join me when I clean up in the shower later."
 

Ryan is of course a notorious playboy. He's got flings going with multiple players on the team. There is however another blossoming romance that's a little more complicated.

 
The Sedins and Dan Hamhuis have been getting really cozy lately. 
There is the problem of that pesky Alex Edler though…
He was once the spread in the Swedish sandwich, but he seems to have fallen out of favor. 
 
 
Dan: "He's right behind us…why won't he just go away!"
 
 
ALEX GET OUT OF BED YOU'RE BEING REPLACED!

 
Nope, he can't be helped.
Sleepy Edler is destined to lose his lovers to Community Dan. 
 
 
Alex: "What the fuck is this? I even got us matching sticks
for our anniversary and this is how you treat me!"
 
 
I tried to warn you Alex, but Dan's booty is all the Sedins need now.
 
It's OK Alex, I'm sure you will find love. You have those amazing Swedish genes, and I'm sure there's someone out there that will have sex with you on all your Ikea furniture. 
 
 
Alex: "Hello Keith, I'm Alex. I am Swedish and pretty. Would you like to go out sometime."
Keith: "I'm gonna wreck you later."
 
 
Alex…Keith said he wanted to do sexy things and you're just sleeping again. 
He's even trying to show you his legs and the things he can do with them!
 
 
Seriously? 
Again with the sleeping? 
I give up…but you know if you wake up and want to do naughty things, call me.
 
You guys see what I mean now? I can't help myself with these guys. I just want to have a massive Canucks cuddle fest…naked…possibly with toys. Seriously, how much fun would it to be to play sleepover games with them! We can draw pictures of each other and laugh at the results!
 
 
Who the fuck drew that? 
It's terrible…wait it was Zack Kassian?
Oh well…then it's great.
Please don't hurt me.
 
 
Oh are you making friendship bracelets?
I want one! 
 
 
 Yay let's play in the elevator!
Everyone out except me and David!
SERIOUSLY GET OUT THIS IS OUR TIME! 
 
 
Yay puppets! 
This is the best sleepover ever! 
 
 
Lu: "I know I'm having so much fun!"
Chris: "Me too! I'm so glad we did this!"
 
I'm sorry you guys are still here? Oh whoops, I must have gone on one of my extended fantasy sequences again. Sorry, back on topic. Wait what was I saying? Oh yea, the Canucks get laid. Sometimes they even go for non-teammates! Crazy, I know! 
 
 
Yea Jason, get some. 
Wait…that girl looks really familiar….how do I?….OH MY GOD
 

But she was kind of blonde right?
And she didn't wear hipster glasses…

SWEET MOTHER IT IS HER….

Well this is awkward now. Jason Garrison is possibly getting in on Jarret Stoll's sloppy seconds? I mean it wouldn't be the first time another hockey player has rocked out a second hand girl from a Kings player. This is weird though considering Jason Garrison is kind of an upgrade. No offense Stoll, but at least Jason's hairline has remained in place the last few years. Was that too mean? Oh well. Maybe Stoll can make Jason Garrison pay on the ice….HAHAHAHA Oh who am I kidding Garrison wins there too. It's OK, Stoll has another semi-famous woman on his arm now. It's not like he has to fight anyone off of her right? 
 
 
Oh…maybe Jarret should stick to picking a fight with Garrison. 
I think 50 Cent has some pretty big guns…like literally guns.
 
Yay I semi-remained on topic! Despite slipping into some weird drunk fantasy half-way through, I managed to still rip on Jarret Stoll for being terrible and getting old. I would call that a huge success! Anyway, enjoy the game tonight folks, and seriously Alex Edler….you call me if you need anything OK? 
 
Seriously…ANYTHING, I'm here for you!

 

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.