KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: COLORADO AVALANCHE 1.21.13

Well, we are only 1 game into the 2013 Los Angeles Kings season and already Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck is cranking out her special series, Know Your Opponent, where she takes an "in-depth" look at the LA Kings' opponent the only way she knows how… like a crazy person. So with everyone cheering the return of Anze Kopitar, take a moment to get up to speed on Colorado Avalanche.

If Brigitte was of age in 1996, this photo above is what her blog would look like.

Click Here to Check Out the "Know Your Opponent" for the Kings vs Avalanche on Tuesday, January 2nd!!!

The Colorado Avalanche might be the biggest sleeper cell in the league. They've been pretty irrelevant for the past few years, but this might be the year they finally breakout. Hopefully that breakout isn't on Tuesday at 6:00pm PT. Some of you might not be aware of why the Avalanche are actually pretty good this year, but don't worry that's why I'm here. Here's a super factual education on the Colorado Avalanche.

Ryan O'Reilly

Come on Avalanche pay the guy! He can't even afford dental work!

If you're asking me right now, "Who the fuck is Ryan O'Reilly?" Congratulations, you have a life! Well the Avalanche won't pay him, because they spent all their extra cash on weed. He led the Avs in points last year (let that sink in for a minute) and he wants some unknown amount of money. Whatever. It's really boring. The point is this exists…

"Yogi on Ice" Wow. LOL "Mile High Sports" HAHAHA

Honestly, The Avs are totally screwed on this. If he didn't immediately run back to Denver after hearing about the weed vending machines, some crappy 3 million dollar a year contract won't cut it. 

Matt Duchene & Paul Stastny

Nerdiest Bromance Ever.

These two are seriously into each other. It's adorable and painfully awkward. The only thing that might be more awkward is Duchene's bromance with Sidney Crosby (So Glad you guys had fun at the Stanley Cup Final!) Stastny is still Matt's number one though. 

"Paul, I swear Sid meant nothing to me!
It's always been you Paul, it's always been you."

So glad those two made up. Now Stastny can go see Matt's super awesome band!

Still better than Nickelback.

 Matt even got Paul a super awesome gift for putting up with all his shit. 

You guys are already at the fanny pack anniversary?
This relationship just went to the next level!

Jamie McGinn

The Sharks traded him last year because he wasn't hideously ugly enough. Now the Sharks suck. I guess you guys shouldn't have traded Logan Couture's boyfriend. Sucks to be you! 

 
 There's so much happening in this photo! 
1. Sweet arm tattoo! Super jealous, that thing is fucking cool!
2. Is he with that weird ginger guy?
3. I can't tell if this is just super Canadian, or super douchey. Both?  

Erik Johnson

Erik Johnson is a fucking bust. This guy was a number one pick, and now he's just some toothless crappy defenseman who is pretty funny on Twitter. 

The Blues picked Johnson over Toews and Jordan Staal.
The Blues are fucking stupid.

At least he's American. If it wasn't for that he would a complete loss. He's Jack Johnson's defensive partner on team USA (not making this up, someone somewhere thought this was OK). The American's are totally fucked in Sochi by the way. 
 
Yes! You guys lost to Canada! Great fucking job!

Drunk enough to mount a statue of a ram. Patrick Kane would be proud.


Greg Zanon

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

This is the most terrifying picture ever. Don't fuck with anyone on the Avs or his beard will stab you. Pretty sure this guy is a straight serial killer. Just look at his soulless eyes. Shit. 

Shane O'Brien

I hate Shane O'Brien! The guy is just the biggest douche canoe ever! Every team traded you because you are an asshat!

I'm not sure, but judging by what's happening in this photo,
I think you've had a little too much to drink.

Anyone who's friends with Paul Bissonette must be a quality individual!

Look at these two douchebags!
Wait…I think I know that other guy from somewhere…Oh Shit.

Altitude TV

Ok, this has nothing to do with the team, but everyone there is just straight blazing. I had to go get screen caps just to show you how awful they are. Look at the ticker!

I'm pretty sure the Kings scored.
I don't know, I was so drunk by the second period I could have imagined it.

The game ended in a tie? I wasn't aware this was 2003.
OK now I know they're high.
The Bluejackets were leading 2-0? LOL
 

I swear if they don't adopt that slogan, it's a fucking shame! Altitude channel is the best you guys.

I know by now you're probably thinking "BRIGITTE WHY HAVEN'T YOU TALKED ABOUT GABRIEL LANDESKOG??? YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HIM ON TWITTER!!! YOU NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT HIM!!! WE WANT GABE PICTURES DAMMIT!!!!" 

FINE STOP YELLING HERE THEY ARE OH MY GOD! 

Gabriel Landeskog!!!!

Of course I was going to talk about Gabe! Come on people he's the best thing ever! If I could only choose one thing to be the last thing on Earth with me, it would be Gabriel Landeskog. 

Just look at that perfect human. I just want to touch his face.
I NEED TO TOUCH GABE'S FACE!

This lady is one lucky bitch. Just look at those tight pants.
They would look so good on my floor.

WHAT DO YOU WANT GABE? JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME ALREADY!
STOP BEING SO PERFECT!

 WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT A SHIRTLESS PICTURE? OK THEN!

 

That sound you just heard was everyone on earth dropping their pants at the same time. 

Just take me Gabe! I don't care! Whatever you want! If you somehow ever see this, please call me. I need this! My body is ready!

I'm pretty sure there's a restraining order in my near future. (TRH EDITORS NOTE: Yes, there is.) Oh well. Don't shit the bed on Tuesday Kings!

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.