HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode IV

HockeyHoarders

There is just …so much.

So much crap.

But man, it is so amazing.

Every week I find something that I would have never thought even existed. It’s not always good. Hell, 95 percent of the time I can’t believe that people not only own this stuff, but they are actually trying to sell it. For like actual money. Exorbitant amounts of money in some cases. And the saddest part is that it’s just a vicious cycle where the older crowd is just selling to hipsterish fans who will just try to pawn it off one day as well.

But that’s what makes this all so much fun!

People who swear they are finding hockey gold are in reality just buying an item that’s been sitting in some chest in an attic.

And while most of it is just awful, there still is that 5 percent that will one day help me find the ultimate piece of hockey memorabilia.

Anyway, let’s get it started. Recap of the rules are always here if you need ‘em.

No. 5

Jason Allison and Adam Deadmarsh LA Kings Celebriducks

INITIAL REACTION: 7.5

Conflicted feelings about Ducks aside, for most hockey fans this would be great as it might actually encourage them to bathe regularly.

USEFULNESS: 8.5

And for those that bathe, the use would be astronomical.

PRICE: 2.0

That’s an awful lot of money for only two-thirds of the LAPD line.

VALUE: 1.5

I can’t believe there are only six available.

STREET CRED: 0.5

I’m not exactly sure how you’d show these off to friends, and frankly, I don’t want to.

FINAL SCORE: 20.0

 

No. 4

Wayne Gretzky LA Kings Thermos

INITIAL REACTION: 7.0

FINALLY, a better thermos for that LA Kings lunchbox!

USEFULNESS: 8.5

Who would ever suspect you drinking at work with this??

PRICE: 6.5

I’d definitely consider dropping a Robitaille on this.

VALUE: 3.5

Personal emotion value would be pretty high, but then you’d be that person who owns a thermos of a hockey player.

STREET CRED: 3.5

Having people watching you French kiss Wayne all day is cool, right?

FINAL SCORE: 29.0

 

No. 3

Vancouver Canucks Pavel Bure Trevor Linden Cliff Ronning Dinosaurs

INITIAL REACTION: 9.0

Is there such thing as an awesomesaurus?! Cause I think I just discovered it.

USEFULNESS: 2.5

Can’t pretend this is useful for anyone who isn’t a paleontologist or a 4-year-old.

PRICE: 8.5

Canucks fans are probably rioting over enjoying these prices.

VALUE: 9.5

I can’t stop staring at that picture.

STREET CRED: 5.0

Would only be more appropriate if Douglas Murray was on the Canucks.

FINAL SCORE: 33.5

 

No. 2

LA Kings Russian Nesting Dolls

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

TIM WATTERS!!!!

USEFULNESS: 6.5

Just think of the countless hours of fun you’d have nesting your dolls.

PRICE: 1.5

Bahahahaha.

VALUE: 8.0

Seriously, they’re all just miniature Tim Watters dolls. You can’t underestimate that value.

STREET CRED: 8.5

I’d invite all all my buddies over just to show these bad boys off every day.

FINAL SCORE: 34.0

 

No. 1

Wayne Gretzky Autographed Stick Robin Thicke
 INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

WHO WAS YOUR UNCLE?!?!

Did Allan Thicke play on the 1989 Kings?!

Are you Robin Thicke??

USEFULNESS: 5.5

Autographed sticks have very little use.

PRICE: 6.5

That said, this was autographed for the nephew of a member of the 1989 Kings!

VALUE: 9.0

I still say this is a Craigslist post done by Robin Thicke before “Blurred Lines” took off.

STREET CRED: 8.5

You can really pass this down for generations. Make up some BS story about how Wayne Gretzky believes in your kid and make it a birthday present. Done.

FINAL SCORE: 39.0

 

Sigh. No perfect 50 today, but there’s always next time…

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl