AEG A-OK

Maybe it truly was Phil Anschutz’s dream growing up in Kansas to one day have his wife Nancy’s name on the Stanley Cup. You know… instead of Andrei Loktionov or even fellow owner of the LA Kings, Ed Roski, Jr. Perhaps that is why after nearly 20 years of shaping the sports landscape in Los Angeles and across the the world, Phil is putting his Anschutz Entertainment Group up for sale. And that means the Los Angeles Kings are up for sale. Sure, AEG may own facilities in 17 of the top 50 U.S. media markets, be responsible for the Coachella Music Festival as well as the New Orleans Jazz Festival and own a 4 million square foot plot of land in Downtown Los Angeles… but you can be sure that Anschutz makes his real money on a single team in a fringe professional sports league that is currently undergoing a lockout between its owners and players.

“Finally, Dustin…it’s ours!!!”

“I know, Mr. Anschutz! What a feeling.”

“I can’t wait to melt it down for sale.”

“What’s that, Mr. Anschutz?”

“Nevermind.”

You might think that potential buyers would be after the Staples Center or LA Live or the O2 Arena or the vast promotional reach of AEG Live. But no, obviously the suitors of AEG are after one thing and one thing only… the Los Angeles Kings. So in the time-honored tradition of TRH Off-Season Investigative Reporting… we take a look at the potential buyers of AEG and the LA Kings.

When in doubt, they could always try selling the Kings on Shark Tank.

Click Here to Read TRH Investigates: Who Wants to Buy the LA Kings?

MARK ZUCKERBERG
Chairman & CEO of Facebook, Inc.
Net Worth: 9.4 Billion

After acquiring such influential internet companies as Instagram, Acrylic Software and Drop.io, Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook are going after the single biggest fish in the social media pool. 

 

The Los Angeles Kings Twitter Account.

By harnessing the power of AEG Employees Dewayne Hankins and Pat Donahue, Zuckerberg would finally have a tangible shot at taking on Google and Twitter for the ultimate in social media superiority. By purchasing AEG, he could finally turn Facebook into the internets single destination for sarcastic updates and comments on people’s lives. Oh, whoops.. too late.

 

MARK CUBAN
Owner of Dallas Mavericks
Co-owner of 2929 Entertainment
Chairman of AXS TV
Owner of Landmark Theaters
Net Worth: 2.3 Billion

Mark Cuban is a perfect suitor for the Los Angeles Kings. He is obsessed to continue his unique collection of sports franchises that have struggled with mediocrity during their entire existence only to have won a single championship. Although… Cuban usually likes to purchase the sports franchise before they’ve won their championship… so his eyes might be more set on the purchase of the San Jose Sharks.

 

ZACH PARISE & RYAN SUTER
NHL Players, Minnesota Wild
Net Worth: 196 Million

Sure, Mario Lemieux might have been the first ever NHL Player/Owner… but how much more interesting would it have been if Lemieux had played for the Rangers while owning the Penguins? Enter Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, two young millionaires who could purchase a team that has made the playoffs more times in the last 5 seasons than the team they just signed with for 13 years. Being an absentee owner of the LA Kings shouldn’t be an issue at all for Zach Parise considering he has great practice at not showing up for Kings games. The only problem I see with this deal is that the sale would be contingent on the 2012-2013 NHL Season actually being played so Parise and Suter would have the cash flow available for the purchase. Well, minus the 20 million dollars Parise and Suter will receive for not going to training camp.

 

EMPEROR PALPATINE
Emperor of the Galactic Empire
Net Worth: 1,000,000 Credits

What’s the difference between Phil Anschutz and Emperor Palpatine?

One used his manipulative right hand man to strike fear into local municipalities and constructed a soulless technical achievement. And the other is Emperor Palpatine.

 

ED SNIDER
Chairman, Comcast Spectacor
Net Worth: 2.5 Billion

Ed Snider is the Chairman of Comcast Spectacor which is a sports and entertainment company that owns the Philadelphia Flyers, the Wells Fargo Center, regional sports network Comcast SportsNet and Global Spectrum, an international facilities management company. Sounds like it would be a no-brainer for Snider to purchase AEG, right? Unfortunately, there is no way this sale will go through as Phil Anschutz is committed to keeping AEG’s presence in Los Angeles while Ed Snider wants to purchase the Kings and move them to Philadelphia so that he can finally deliver on his promise of spending money on a Stanley Cup for Flyers fans. Literally.

SURLY & SCRIBE
Bloggers, LAKingsNews.com
Net Worth: 150 hits per Month

Living the dream of any die-hard fan of a sports franchise, Surly Jacob and Bobby Scribe could be the dark horse in the purchase of the Los Angeles Kings. No, seriously, really dark. Like really, really dark. The only downside to this purchase is that Bobby Scribe would immediately turn the Staples Center into the largest square footage Sonnet factory in the Southern United States. 

C. MONTGOMERY BURNS
Owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant
Net Worth: 8.4 Billion (as of 2005)

Phil Anschutz is a ruthless, press-shy, ultra-conservative billionaire that inherited his fortune from his father and will stop at nothing to get what he wants. If there ever was an individual who could make this transition of AEG power incredibly seamless, it’s Mr. Burns.

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.