Shawnze’s Oscar Preview: Who Will Win?

Oscar Preview I

It’s that time of year! Award season. And the most aristocratic of all awards shows – the Academy Awards – are just a few days away.  While nominees prepare their awkward and overly politicized acceptance speeches for us to suffer through, journalists, industry experts, and my unemployed cousin are scrambling to get their Oscar predictions onto the internet.

Because Hollywood LA is the center of my universe, and because I am a movie ex…sorry, film expert, I am here to do the same.

The buzz around town is that since The Revenant swept the BAFTAs and took home an astonishing FIVE awards, Leonardo DiCaprio has solidified his status as a favorite to win Best Actor at the Oscars…finally. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s the Academy doesn’t care what you did at other awards shows, just like the NHL doesn’t care how you did in October.

*coughs*

Champions Of October

While Leonardo definitely killed it as fur-trapper Hugh Glass, let us not forsake the role that other actors played in making The Revenant a success.

*Hot take* Leo will win two Oscars before Brent Burns kisses the Cup.

And now for the real reason you’re here.

Disclaimer: If TRH is the Solar System and Hockey is the Sun, then I am Copernicus and this #AcademyAwardsAnalysis is the Earth.

 

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Drew Doughty, 45 Years

Premise: A brilliant look into the relationship between a man and his team as he prepares to complete his 45th season as an All-Star caliber defenseman. On the eve of his final game, he receives shocking news that promises to forever change the course of his life: after years of waiting, he has finally been awarded the Norris.

45 Years - Drew Doughty

It starts with Doughty:

All in good time, my friend. All in good time.

This is Drew Doughty’s second Academy Award nomination. He was nominated for his performance in Wolf of Stadium Way in 2014:

 


PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Anze Kopitar, Spotlight

Premise: The true story of how a crackerjack Los Angeles Kings front office spent incalculable hours negotiating the contract of beloved center Anze Kopitar, shaking the accepted NHL contract model to its core. With his on-ice performance under the Spotlight of scrutiny, Kopitar awaits his fate. Can the two sides come together to the break the silence?

Spotlight V2

The drama!

The suspense!

The speculation!

I’d say Kopitar’s support for the Kings has been more than adequate thus far this season.

Kopitar Stats

 


ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING

Chris Sutter, The Big Sutt

Premise: One civilian in the world of hockey anticipates the in-arena meltdown of Kings fans during a third period deficit, and decides to take on Staples Center attendees for their lack of faith. Sutter’s eccentric insights into the Los Angeles sports model and his exceptional 8-count coordination, enable him to sneak onto jumbotrons and into All-Star Game locker rooms, taking viewers for an emotional ride of a lifetime.

 

The Big Sutt - Chris Sutter

 

Chris Sutter uses his refined skill to kindle our hearts to an almost inconceivable measure. He is the balm to our sorrows and the alchemist of our joy. He reminds us that there are still pure emotions to be felt, those which are untainted by the ugliness of life. This is what all great directors do. He is our Director, and he has the biggest heart of anyone in Staples Center.

And of course, we’ll always have this:

 


ACHIEVEMENT IN EDITING

Dean Lombardi: The Force Awakens

Premise: The 2014-15 season is over. Playoff hopes are extinct. Mike Richards and Slava Voynov have vanished. The shame of missing the playoffs gives rise to a First Order of doubters and Empire sympathizers who will not rest until Los Angeles has been destroyed. With the support of the [RE]PUBLIC, General Dean Lombardi leads a brave RESISTANCE as he desperately searches for the solutions to the Kings lineup woes and a way to restore peace and justice to the Los Angeles hockey galaxy.

Sidenote: I didn’t know I had it in me but after re-reading the above I’m realizing that truly nerdy, the mind of a TRH writer is. 

Force Awakens - Dean Lombardi

If history has taught us anything it’s that Lombardi’s edits to the Los Angeles locker room, whether via draft, trade or free agency acquisition, have been remarkable. He is truly a force to be reckoned with. As he splices contracts and exploits waivers, he plans and directs roster moves that are meticulously designed and smoothly executed.

 


BEST PICTURE

Bob Miller, The Martian

Premise: During a manned mission to the doctor, broadcastronaut Bob Miller is declared unfit for duty after a sudden heart diagnosis that requires his crew to leave him behind as he undergoes emergency surgery. Miller has survived and finds himself stranded and bored on an hostile planet: his house. With only meager supplies and minimal entertainment, he must draw upon his dexterity, wit and desire to recover and find a way to signal to the Kings that he is alive and ready for duty.

The Martian V3

The real best picture:

 


BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Jon Rosen, Insider Out

Premise: After Hall of Famer Bob Miller is uprooted from his telecast booth and moved to a hospital in Los Angeles, his emotional broadcasting team conflict on how best to navigate a new telecast and radio dynamic. LA Kings Insider Jon Rosen is suddenly asked to fill the radio play-by-play shoes of Nick Nickson who joins Jim Fox in the telecast booth. While there are an undetermined number of games to be called, can Rosen overcome his jitters and step-up to the AM 790 face-off circle?

Inside Out V2

While we’re happy for Rosen, we miss Bob Miller and thus #WeAreAllSadness

Rosen deserves more than an Academy Award for his performance in the booth. He is truly the most animated guy on the airwaves right now. The Kings’ latest road trip included multiple early puck drops which gave those of us who couldn’t make it home in time to turn on the TV ample opportunity to give Rosen a listen on AM 790. The results have been overwhelmingly positive.

It’s amazing to see how wide a man can spread his wings when he’s no longer required to live-tweet a hockey game. Well done, Jon.

 


BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAYER

Jonathan Quick, Straight Outta Connecticut

Premise: In the early 2000s, one young man channeled his frustration and anger about, well, we’re not really sure actually, into the most powerful weapon he had: hockey. Taking us back to where it all began, Straight Outta Connecticut tells the true story of how this privileged private school workhorse – armed only with his potty mouth and a goalie stick – rose to the occasion in every game played, leading to multiple championship appearances at the Junior and collegiate levels. His acrobatic style and sociopathic focus lead to his eventual selection by the LA Kings in the 2005 Draft where he continues to reside, now the world’s most dangerous man in-net.

Quick Straight Outta CT 2

 

The police are gonna hafta come and get me.

So give it up smooth, ain’t no tellin’ when I’m down for a jack move.

Me, you can go toe to toe, no maybe; I’m knockin nigg** out tha box, daily.

 


BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAYER

Vinny Lecavalier, Room

Premise: The last three years of 35-year-old Vincent Lecavalier’s life have been comprised of multiple coaches, minimal ice-time as a healthy scratch, and whatever he has to subsist on in the confines of where he lives: Philadelphia. After his dramatic escape from the claustrophobic Philly, Vinny is now tasked with adjusting to a life and world where coaching staff and teammates alike are welcoming and confident in his style of play. Having survived the Flyers organization, Vinny makes a thrilling discovery: there’s always a Lecava-Way.

Room V4

Watch the trailer for Room here:

“Better get ready to play til’ the middle of June.”

#NeverForget

There’s always Room for you in LA, Vinny.

 


BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Jeff Carter, Jeff Machina

Premise: Shawnze, a 29 year old writer for the world’s most prestigious hockey blog, wins a competition to spend a week at a private coastal retreat belonging to a Manhattan Beach billionaire. When Shawnze arrives she is informed that she will be participating in a strange and fascinating experiment: she has been assigned to evaluate the reactions and emotions of the world’s first artificial intelligence housed in the body of a magnanimously designed humanoid named Jeff. Shawnze soon sympathizes with Jeff and plots to set him free. But the billionaire argues that Jeff is merely manipulating her to escape. Who is telling the truth? Only time will tell.

Ex Machina - Jeff Carter

“Are you attracted to me?”

Sorry guys, I can’t type anymore……*faints*

 


BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

Tyler Toffoli, Sick-ario

Premise: When the regional rivalry between north and south escalates and the Los Angeles Kings are forced to face their recently traded goalie, Darryl Sutter sends a baby-faced agent on a mission to head the dismantling of LA’s foes. Though special agent Tyler Toffoli leads a team of emissaries into San Jose territory, he soon realizes that Sutter has saddled him with a most grisly task: annihilating his former friend and roommate, Martin Jones.

Sick-ario

This may be the Best Original Score of Toffoli’s entire career.

Sooooooooooo SICK

When released on DVD, this movie ought to come with strict warnings.

Some material may be inappropriate for children:

May contain violent imagery:

Some nudity:

 


ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN

LA Kings Equipment Crew, CinDREWella

Premise: When Drew Doughty makes his NHL debut, he is barely eligible to vote and subsists on a diet of JELL-O pudding. After receiving an invitation to the Norris Ball, young Drew finds himself at the mercy of harsh East Coast critics who claim he is not mature enough to attend nor does he own anything appropriate to wear. Little does he know his fortunes are about to change. After meeting the LA Kings Equipment Crew, his image and his spirits are about to receive a magical upgrade.

Cindrewella

The LA Kings Equipment Crew takes care of all Doughty’s on-ice needs, but their reach doesn’t stop there. Gloria, LA Kings Off-Ice Equipment Crew member, made her major motion picture debut back in 2013 when she was nominated for her role in Les Miserables.  

They’re a strong contender again this year for their work taking this disaster:

Doughty Disaster

And turning it into this:

Drew Portrait

Put ’em together and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-DREW.

 


ACHIEVEMENT IN HAIR & MAKEUP

Matt Greene, The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared

Premise: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

100 V2

We may not have a clue as to the whereabouts of Matt Greene but we do know there’s always some extreme coagulation cascade happening on his face.

Greene 2

Greene 4

Greene 1

***

What do you think of my predictions? Did I make any glaring oversights? Do you think Raffi Torres should win for Mad Maximum Prison Sentence? Or maybe you’re more of a Frederick Anderson in The Danish Girl type. I’ll admit that I think Joseph Blandisi got snubbed by not getting nominated for Best Actor but unfortunately he can’t compete with Alex Ovechkin in Hateful 8.

Tweet me your feedback or any Oscars #HotTakes you might have. And if anyone finds Matt Greene, tell him we miss him.

After hearing a female Kings fan shriek, “C’mon Kopi, make a goal!” in 2010, Shawnze rolled up her sleeves and set out to rebrand the notion of lady hockey fan in the streets and Late Romantic Era classical music devotee in the sheets. She has a Masters Degree in Sports Management (no really, it’s a thing) which means she’s really good at paying for things she’ll never use, and credits her dad’s lucky red shorts (and Trevor Lewis) for the success of the Kings’ Cup run in 2012. You can follow Shawnze Kopitar on Twitter @ShawnzeKopitar.