TRH RECAP 77: BORED OF TOURISM
KINGS 4, COYOTES 0
Tonight, the Kings euthanized the limping Coyotes, clinching their fifth straight playoff berth – their longest postseason streak since a seven-year stretch from 1987-1993.
Yeah, sure the playoffs are great and all, but to me, the bigger news is that barring a matchup in the playoffs, this could be the very last time the Kings play the Phoenix Coyotes. That’s right, the Coyotes drop “Phoenix” for “Arizona” next season, and what a sendoff tonight was for the team formerly known as Phoenix.
The Coyotes are hoping that by changing the name, a little state-wide pride and goodwill will get more fans in the seats. But they’re not the only ones. They’ve got an ally in their back pocket: The Arizona Board of Tourism. Yup, the Arizona Board of Tourism clearly is proud to support their new team and is trying to help the Coyotes make a big playoff push. Lucky for you, we here at TRH got our hands on a press release that’s soon to be unleashed on the public to show you how serious they are.
Arizona is proud to be home to the NFL’s Cardinals, MLB’s Diamondbacks, the University of Arizona Wildcats, the Grand Canyon, Anti-Immigration Rallies, a growing pornography scene, and heat that’s more oppressive than our sheriffs are with illegals. We’re thrilled to say that list is growing, as we are adding the NHL’s Arizona Coyotes. (*We are not including the Suns because they’re Phoenix’s team, and no one likes that place.)
Who are the Coyotes? If you don’t know yet, then you’re about to hear “HOWL” about them. This National Hockey League team moved south from Winnipeg in 1996, and up through this season, they were Phoenix’s pride and joy. But starting next season, they’re officially changing their name to the “Arizona Coyotes,” making themselves a state-wide team and hoping to lure you, and all of your transplant friends who’ve never left their retirement community, out to Glendale, the unspectacular suburb that houses the franchise.
Not familiar with hockey? Well, it’s like soccer, but on ice, except hockey players don’t dive.
These guys play hard and never quit, especially when it comes to playing their rivals, the Los Angeles Kings. The Kings may have their names on the Stanley Cup, but we always stand strong against them.
The Coyotes’ 18-year history is rich with some amazing highs (8 playoff appearances! Skinny Keith Tkachuk!), a few painful losses (the 2012 Western Conference Finals to the Kings, Operation Slapshot, 8 million dollars to Wayne Gretzky), and our biggest victory is one we’re truly proud of: defeating bankruptcy! Some teams may want to raise a cup, but we just got over a NHL takeover, having little-to-no cash-flow, and years of bad credit!!
They may still be a Phoenix team, but the soon-to-be Arizona Coyotes need all the help they can get as they make a push towards the Stanley Cup Playoffs this month. This team is primed for a huge run this postseason and you “DOAN” want to miss it because they’re “HUNGRIER THAN EVER.”
Based on all the empty seats, you probably didn’t show up during the regular season. But as the team makes a run to the playoffs, they need to fill the Jobing.com arena. If it’s your first hockey game, we guarantee that like a coyote, once you get a taste of blood, you’ll come back for more. If seeing some of the NHL’s biggest superstars on the ice isn’t enough, you may have a chance to sit next to one… pro-healthy scratch and poon-hound Paul “Biz Nasty” Bissonnette can often be seen in the stands and on your Instagram feed.
We’ve got three home games left and plenty of tickets still available at coyotes.nhl.com. If those are too pricey, check out stubhub.com. And if a $24 ticket is too rich for your blood, there’s a guy named “Dave” outside the stadium parking lot who will hook you up with real cheap ones if you tell him “Jim” from the Board of Tourism sent you. They’re going fast, so get your “HANZAL” over these tickets before it’s too late.
We hope to see you at the next Coyotes game, and if we don’t, it’s 5 minutes in the box* for you! (*the “box” we’re referring to is the hot box where we place detainees without green cards and force them to suffer from dehydration until they nearly die)
The Arizona Board of Tourism