DANCING WITH THE STARS: Sneak Preview


Greetings Reality TV fans!

Jesse Cohen here to delve, once more, into the shallow pool of Reality Television!

As many of you may have followed, I covered the LA Kings Ice Girls in their attempt to win The Amazing Race.

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Until the episode where they were actually eliminated.  I skipped that one.

As punishment I’ve been assigned the task of recapping Season 18 of Dancing With The Stars!

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More like Dancing With The Snores AMIRITE???

Why are we covering Dancing With The Stars you ask?  Two words my puck loving friend…

SLOPPY.  SECONDS.

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That’s right.  Everybody’s favorite fiery fashionista and former Los Angeles King, Sean Avery has joined the cast of Dancing With The Stars.  He becomes the first NHL player to appear on the program and is the primary reason we here at The Royal Half will be watching until he’s eliminated. Let’s face it, he’s Sean Avery, he won’t be eliminated until looooooong after he deserves to be.

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Mr. Avery isn’t the only thing connecting Season 18 of Dancing With The Stars with the Los Angeles Kings however!

Former contestant and current sweetie of Kings center Jarret Stoll, Erin Andrews is replacing Brooke Burke as co-host with longtime talent and milquetoast Tom Bergeron!

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The delightful Ms. Andrews finished third in Season 10 behind professional entertainer Nicole Scherzinger and Olympic figure skater Evan Lysacek.  Not too shabby.

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Look I’m just going to warn you right now…   if you thought my The Amazing Race recaps focused to much on the physical attributes of the contestants you probably won’t enjoy my approach to Dancing With The Stars.  I am what I am.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!!!!!

Completing the hat trick of tangential connections to the Los Angeles Kings is none other than Candace Cameron-Bure, wife of almost former Los Angeles King,Valeri Bure!

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If you don’t recognize her, don’t feel bad!  It means you’re either under 30 or you’ve got better things to do than watch old sitcoms on DVD and cable.  See if this jogs your memory.

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That’s right it’s DJ Tanner!  All grown up and ready to put the frivolity of Full House behind her and do something meaningful with her life…   like compete for The Mirror Ball Trophy.

MIRROR BALL TROPHY

Now is this fair you’ll no doubt ask?  To trivialize this woman’s accomplishments, which I’m sure are many and varied, in order to make cheap jokes at the expense of her current and previous television shows?

No.  It’s not fair at all.  So who am I,  Mother Theresa?

Avery and Bure face stiff competition.  Let’s take a look at some notables.

Danica McKellar aka Winnie from The Wonder Years

McKellar is an actress, author, academic, director and education advocate.

Also I’ve had a crush on her since I was like 11.

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Don’t say I didn’t warn you

Billy Dee Williams aka LANDO FUCKING CALRISSIAN!!!!!

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The power of Colt 45. It works every time.

OK DANCING WITH THE STARS, YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION!!

Winnie Cooper AND Lando Calrissian?  If I knew what fan fiction was when I was 12 it would look exactly like this.

Meryl Davis and Charlie White

Olympic Gold Medalist Ice Dancers Meryl Davis and Charlie White Visit Empire State BuildingGOLD MEDAL WINNING OLYMPIC ICE DANCERS???

BOOOOOO DANCING WITH THE STARS!!! BOOOOO!!! SHENANIGANS!!!!  BOOOO!!!

If one of these two dinner mints doesn’t win “The Coveted Mirror Ball Trophy” it will be an even bigger disaster than the Russian and American Olympic hockey teams in Sochi.

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Let’s get back to Sean Avery.  

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He’s the real reason for the season as his propensity to say and do outrageously stupid things is almost matched by his ability to retain an utterly confusing likability in the face of his utterly contemptuous behavior. 

Almost.

So why was such a controversial figure chosen to appear on such a family show like Dancing With The Stars?  Despite his tempestuous tongue, Avery can move!

Here’s a quick demonstration of the kind of moves Sean Avery has shown during his career.

THE SCREEN

Here Avery demonstrates a number of moves that might serve him well on Dancing With The Stars as he screens Martin Brodeur in such an unusual fashion that they literally changed the rules to make sure nobody ever did anything like that again!  Kudos to you, Mr. Avery!

THE SHADE

In this clip we see Avery’s stamina, showmanship and awareness of the moment on full display.  This goal came in the first game following the firing of Kings coach Andy Murray and the pushups were seen as a reaction to playing under a new, more relaxed, coach and possibly a dig at the recently departed Murray.

THE DIVE

Avery once again demonstrates his presence of mind and showmanship as he attempts to draw a penalty by throwing himself to the ice after being gently grazed by Jaromir Jagr.

THE RAGDOLL

In a change of pace, Avery shows his patience and flexibility.  Dancing is a new forum for him and he’ll have to deal with adversity.  Here we see that Sean Avery is a man who can be very patient when dealing with truly aggravating circumstances.

THE COSTUME CHANGE

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Mr. Avery made headlines in 2008 when he accepted a summer internship with Vogue magazine.  Dancing With The Stars will give Sean ample opportunity to show off everything he learned during his tour of the fashion world and he’s already got a vast wealth of personal experience in costume changes having been jettisoned from 4 different teams and 2 different leagues!

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So there you have it hockey fans!  This is the end of our preview of Season 18 of Dancing With The Stars starring Sean Avery!

I’ll be back next week to recap Episode 1, make inappropriate comments about people far more successful than myself and complain about doing it the whole time.

Until then here’s a reminder of who Sean Avery was to Kings fans for a brief moment in history.

 

 

Of all the members of Team TRH Jesse Cohen probably comes closest to actually hating the Kings. Whether obsessing over the 1998 sweep at the hands of the St. Louis Blues, wishing he had witnessed the fight between Dmitri Khristich and Barry Potomski or cursing their attempts to fool the fans by dressing Randy Robitaille for 18 games, Jesse harbors a deep-seeded resentment towards the Kings.You can follow Jesse Cohen on Twitter @KingsMenPodcast.