GLORY HOLD


United States of America.

Hearing or even just seeing those four words will make any mortal being feel so many powerful emotions.

Any person who has the privilege of living in the Land of the Free knows how lucky they are to reside in one of the 50 states that has literally been touched by God himself. And those foreigners who were fortunate enough to visit the Home of the Brave had to be dragged kicking and screaming back to their motherland.

Meanwhile, America Jr. sits somewhere south of us (I’m not really sure cause it’s all tucked away down there) and produces nothing of value.

A solid 94 weeks on the Moose Creek best-seller list.

Still, rather than boring you with the facts of homeland superiority, we’ll instead somewhat break down a hockey game between the good ol’ USA and a country that’s half French, part British and 100 percent terrible.

This country, which has a name so disgustingly shameful that I dare not write it, does have very talented hockey players, I will give them that.

However, that is to be expected after generations upon generations of inbreeding.

And the decimation of this alleged hockey power begins in the semifinal round of the Olympics.

Finally, members of Team USA will extract their revenge on those who have wronged them.

Bg9mjwnIAAAijzuLet’s do this, America.

Last season, noted French-Canadian Patrice Bergeron cheated American-born heroes Phil Kessel and James Van Riemsdyk out of the playoffs. This Democracy Dynamic Duo is firing on all cylinders right now while the Pepsi from L’Ancienne-Lorette has no goals even though he is skating on Canada’s “top line.” But more importantly… as is tradition in the United States… Kessel and Van Riemsdyk are looking to give Bergeron exactly what he has coming.

kessel-jvr-beatdownWhatcha gonna do when Kesselmania runs wild on you, mon frère?!

And the pain won’t stop there. Oh no, no, no.

During the inevitable beatdown that is served by the best country in the world (since the service industry is the one job left that Americans can do right), Dustin Brown is sure to cause fear even in the toughest of opponents. John Tavares knew this would happen, and in an act of desperation tore his own MCL in order to avoid the incredibly popular temptation to run directly into the knee of the LA Kings captain.

USCAN_BrownPoor Jonathan Toews will never see it coming.

And then there is the backbone of this team… the Marauder from Milford, Jon Quick. Now Quick has recently raised a Stanley Cup over his head… something a Canadian team hasn’t done in 21 years. But that hasn’t stopped his hunger for more. Jonathan Toews, Patrick Sharp and Duncan Keith stopped Jon Quick’s pursuit of a 2nd consecutive Stanley Cup last season… and now he’s ready to attack the Canadians where it will hurt them the most…

USCAN_Quick…their summer cottages.

Look, there’s really not much to say about this game.

It’s going to be another embarrassing mark on the history of those Nazi uniform-wearing mouth breathers.

So, um, what else can we do?

*sorts through a stack of papers*

Ah, yes, the Meat Line.

I’m the beef. Dustin Brown’s the pork. Callahan’s the chicken. So that’s our meat line,” said Backes.

The trio of Dustin Brown, David Backes and Ryan Callahan have become the most feared line in Olympic history in the matter of about two periods.

That’s because every other country knows there is no way to properly handle that much meat. (And the subsequent heart disease and diabetes that comes with consuming that much red meat.)

And no, not that unholy monstrosity that people try to pass off as bacon, we’re talking the real stuff.

PORK. BEEF. CHICKEN.

The three words just scream freedom and American values.

If you claim there’s another line that’s ever been this great in international play then you should be committed and immediately lobotomized.

brown pigPORK.

callahan backesCHICKEN. BEEF.

Godspeed, Meat Line. The entire world is wishing you good luck… not that you’ll need it. 

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl