HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode XV


HockeyHoarders

It’s been far too long, my Hockey Hoarding friends.

But with the new year upon us, what better time than now to dive headfirst into the cesspool that the secondhand market provides us!

Since it’s been a while, go ahead and read through the scoring system before you see what you can’t un-see in the rest of this post.

 

No. 5

Pittsburgh Penguins Fleury T Shirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 7.5

Somehow, poor Marc-Andre Fleury still managed to miss making this save.

USEFULNESS: 1.5

Hard to decipher, but this is either a shirt of a not-too-bright Pittsburgh Penguins player shooting on his own goalie, or a headhunting jackass.

So yeah, congrats on the shirt, James Neal!

PRICE: 7.0

Nice of the seller to offer the “same price as the Penguins postseason goals against average” deal.

VALUE: 7.5

But it’s hard to complain about the deal on this Petr Nedved Era shirt.

STREET CRED: 3.0

Perfect to show your friends this isn’t the first time you’ve jumped on the Penguins bandwagon.

FINAL SCORE: 26.5

 

No. 4

Washington Capitals Coke Mirror - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

“Rod Langway coke mirror” is one of the greatest item description titles ever.

USEFULNESS: 3.5

A wonderful way to stare into the eyes of the unsuccessful ghosts of Washington Capitals past.

PRICE: 6.5

Throw in that sequined pillow and you’ve got yourself a deal.

VALUE: 4.0

Probably the best deal you can sniff out on a Capitals coke mirror, so there’s always that.

STREET CRED: 5.5

Carry this tablet down to the Verizon Center as irrefutable proof that the Capitals can in fact play defensive hockey.

FINAL SCORE: 29.0

 

No. 3

Wayne Gretzky St Louis Blues Sweatshirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 3.5

Leave it to St. Louis to put the emphasis on the word “the.”

USEFULNESS: 4.5

I guess it’s still a better investment than a Derek Roy or Brian Elliott shirt.

PRICE: 10.0

Still somehow a better deal than the LA Kings got for Wayne Gretzky.

VALUE: 8.0

An amazing troll tool to wear to any Blues game versus the Kings, Oilers or Rangers.

STREET CRED: 7.5

But that’s only if you can find anyone in St. Louis who can read.

FINAL SCORE: 33.5

 

No. 2

Edmonton Oilers Homoerotic Program - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.0

And people dare say that the NHL isn’t welcoming to the LGBT community.

USEFULNESS: 9.0

I mean, I’d be having erotic dreams about the Stanley Cup too if my team was playing the Winnipeg Jets in a playoff series.

PRICE: 9.0

HOW DOES EVERY OILERS FAN NOT OWN THIS?

VALUE: 4.0

“Complete, minor cover and edge wear, spine tight, inner pages clean…”

STREET CRED: 10.0

…that description leads me to believe this might be the most pristine porno mag to survive the 1980s.

FINAL SCORE: 41.0

 

No. 1

Randy Carlyle Cartoon Winnipeg Jets Comic T Shirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.0

Because this is the “White Out” that Winnipeg Jets fans want to see at the MTS Centre.

USEFULNESS: 10.0

Well, it’s pre–FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IS THAT RANDY CARLYLE?!?

Randy Carlyle Erotic Cartoon Comic - Hockey Hoarders

Randy Carlyle: Cherubic teenage sweetheart.

PRICE: 8.5

*watches Toronto fans faint, regain consciousness, open their wallets, crash seller’s webpage*

VALUE: 7.0

Classic case of a No. 2 shirt (at best) that believes it’s a No. 1.

STREET CRED: 8.0

Regardless, with this shirt, you’ll be the toast of the town.

FINAL SCORE: 42.5

 

A wonderful start to 2014, but I still came up empty in my quest for a perfect score.

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl