HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode XIV


HockeyHoarders

I’ve braved the malls, stabbed hugged anyone who crossed my path, stopped off for a victory biscotti, and returned with an all new batch of Hockey Hoarders for us on this glorious Cyber Monday!

At times, finding new items to add to the growing collection of Hockey Hoarders can be a tedious challenge, which is why I want to send a heartfelt “thank you” to the good people at NHL.com for making this week such a breeze.

NHL Outlet - NHL Clearance Items - Hockey Hoarders

Rejected slogan: “We still have the crap you already passed on eight times!”

So read through the scoring system, wipe away the final tears from the LA kings loss to the Calgary Flames, and lets start this jalopy!

 

No. 5 (TIE)

Jean Shorts Bagged Milk Tattoos - Hockey Hoarders

Book of Loob Tattoos - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 6.5

It’s good to see that @JSBM and @BookofLoob are finally getting the modeling work they’ve craved for so long.

(EDGE: JeanShortsBaggedMilk)

USEFULNESS: 0.5

Nothing says “I’m from Alberta” more than fake tattoo sleeves.

PRICE: 2.0

Just save the money and add it to your future bail fund.

VALUE: 7.5

Sadly, I’m pretty sure there would work to your advantage during last call at any bar in around the greater Calgary and Edmonton areas.

STREET CRED: 0.0

“I LOVE MY TEAM. I’ll show everyone with these tattooed nylon arm sleeves!”

FINAL SCORE: 15.5

 

No. 4

Dallas Stars Boots with the Fur - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 0.5

Burn it with something stronger than fire!!!

USEFULNESS: 9.5

I’d argue the merits of needing fur boots in middle of Texas but I’ve seen the fashion sense of women from Texas.

PRICE: 1.5

This isn’t factoring in the $100 you’d need to spend on Fireball shots to consider these boots a good deal.

VALUE: 1.0

Nothing says “fanatic” like “fanatic boots,” I guess.

STREET CRED: 5.5

You and Willa Ford could become the bestest of friends!

FINAL SCORE: 18.0

 

No. 3

 

INITIAL REACTION: 8.5

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

USEFULNESS: 6.5

Every Kings fan should have at least two of these in their closet.

PRICE: 10.0

When will people stop giving away Mike Richards for pennies on the dollar?

VALUE: 0.0

Hilarity aside, you’ll probably just feel dirty wearing this…

STREET CRED: 10.0

…unless you can find the matching Jeff Carter shirt for your best friend.

FINAL SCORE: 35.5

 

No. 2

New Jersey Devils Purse - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.0

*dies*

USEFULNESS: 9.0

Um, well, uh…

New Jersey Devils Purse Description - Hockey Hoarders

*dies again*

PRICE: 6.0

Tough call between this and the Blu-ray box set of Jerseylicious.

VALUE: 2.0

Just ask the Kovalchuk family how long that whole “Forever” mantra actually lasts.

STREET CRED: 10.0

Off the charts amazingly terrible and excellent weapon in case someone calls you “muff cabbage” in front of your crew.

FINAL SCORE: 36.0

 

No. 1

Vancouver Canucks 2012 We Want The Cup T-Shirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

A 2012 Vancouver Canucks playoff t-shirt?

Words. I do not have them.

USEFULNESS: 8.5

About 5 games worth of use in Vancouver, but a lifetime’s worth in Los Angeles.

PRICE: 8.0

Vancouver Canucks We Want The Cup T-Shirt - Hockey Hoarders

Those poor, poor Canucks fans.

VALUE: 7.0

The entire city of Vancouver should pool their money together to get every last shirt pulled off the shelf.

STREET CRED: 8.0

And fans of every other team that has ever existed should wear these proudly with a smile from ear to ear.

FINAL SCORE: 41.5

 

Thanks for everything, NHL. dot com, but we came up short again.

Til next time.

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl