HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode XII


HockeyHoarders

Wow it’s been a while since we’ve cleaned out the old closet, eh?

Well a slow week is the perfect week to see what we can find in the latest installment of Hockey Hoarders.

So read through the scoring system, keep laughing about the Sharks losing to Sabres, and lets get this party started!

 

No. 5

Drew Doughty Erection Light Switch LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 0.5

I never want to see this light switch in the “up” position.

USEFULNESS: 9.5

But I guess a some people would get immense joy out of this adjustable Drew-rection device.

*slowly backs away*

PRICE: 3.0

Decent price for a prank gift.

VALUE: 5.5

Watching friends and loved ones flip the switch would provide hours of giggling.

…followed by loss of friends, divorce, and the eventual realization that you will die alone.

STREET CRED: 9.0

BUT that doesn’t mean that college kids can’t take advantage of this for a few years.

FINAL SCORE: 28.5

 

No. 4

Jonathan Quick LA Kings Angry Eyes - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

I guess Jonathan Quick read @nickaresee‘s breakdown of his year in this article on Jewels From the Crown.

USEFULNESS: 6.5

And I never realized Quick’s striking resemblance to the Destroyer from Thor.

PRICE: 8.5

Spending $15 on a mid-90s LA Kings sweatshirt that’s been stored since before Y2K seems like a deal to me!

VALUE: 1.0

It’s value lies in, um, a tough market for 90s sweatshirt aficionados?

STREET CRED: 3.5

Hockey hipster cred is astonishingly high, which of course means it has little real-world value.

FINAL SCORE: 29.0

 

No. 3

St Louis Blues Kiel Center Inaugural Season Tshirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 7.5

A wonderful shirt to commemorate the greatest thing the St. Louis Blues have ever accomplished.

USEFULNESS: 8.5

This is probably the worst Blues shirt I have ever seen.

St Louis Blues Ugly Fan - Hockey Hoarders

OH DEAR GOD HOW COULD I FORGET.

PRICE: 3.0

I really want to know the rejected offer amount.

VALUE: 2.0

Very well may be the least useful shirt available in the 49 states.

STREET CRED: 8.5

Which is exactly why it’s such a hot item in Missouri.

FINAL SCORE: 29.5

 

No. 2

Trevor Lewis Laundry Bag LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

Finally, Jack A. Wilson can cradle Trevor Lewis’ game-used sack.

USEFULNESS: 6.0

I’ll let the auctioneer take it over from here:

This laundry bag is the official bag that was used to put all of his laundry in for washing (under armour, sweat pants, socks etc) after his hockey games.
This is an incredible collector’s item, but it is also in great shape if you would like to use it for personal use.

Um…

PRICE: 9.0

This is your opportunity to own your own piece of history without having to pay $20,000 for a game used jersey!!  These laundry bags are NOT available to the general public!

Uh…

VALUE: 6.0

This laundry bag has Trevor Lewis’s name patch stitched on to the bag. As you can see the crown logo is imposed under the name which is printed-not hand written-on the laundry bag.

STREET CRED: 10.0

VERY RARE LA KINGS Laundry bag that was used by Trevor Lewis of the Los Angeles Kings during the STANLEY CUP winning season!

Get out of my dreams and into my car!

FINAL SCORE: 41.0

 

No. 1

Ilya Kovalchuk Ugly Atlanta Thrashers Jersey - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

Holy HC SKA, Batman!

USEFULNESS: 7.0

Well, this surely can’t get any more ridiculous…

Ilya Kovalchuk Ugly Atlanta Thrashers Jersey Back - Hockey Hoarders

KovalYUCK.

PRICE: 7.0

Starting to get the sense that the former owners of the Thrashers are selling these.

VALUE: 10.0

An amazing collectible of the best player to ever play for the Atlanta Winnipeg franchise.

STREET CRED: 8.0

At least they can still use the whole “Believe in Blue” thing.

FINAL SCORE: 42.0

 

Alas, no perfect score. But my confidence in finding the ultimate piece of hockey memorabilia goes unwavered.

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl