Greetings Kings fans!

It’s time for another recap of The Amazing Race starring Ally & Ashley!

I should warn everybody before we get into it that I am fully on board with this show now.  I don’t know how they did it but the producers have me completely hooked.  I almost cried when the last team got eliminated.

I am now a full blown Amazing Racist.


Wait…..   that’s not right….



Please take note, long time readers, that some of the team names have changed.

Team Pure Evil

Team Pure Evil

Team Shut Up Amy

Team Shut Up Amy

Team Awesome

Team Awesome

Team Bunny

Team Bunny

Team Oklahoma

Team Oklahoma

Team Annoying

Team Annoying

Team The Amazing Rack

Team The Amazing Rack

Team Sexy

Team Sexy

Team Football

Team Football

Team Birdcage

Team Birdcage

Team Dowry

Team Dowry

Team Magic Cab Driver

Team Magic Cab Driver

After last weeks incident with the magical cab driving doppleganger, I paid extra attention to this episode.  I wondered just how the story lines were being manipulated by clever and selective editing.  Despite all that, when Team Pure Evil chose to wait for Team Shut Up Amy right off the bat and claimed that they had been assisting each other in a number of different tasks I was stunned.  Like really stunned.

larry-david-faint1qqxYea.  That stunned.

But not as stunned as I was when I saw what the editors decided not to cut out this episode.

TeamHick011Blurkled out butt crack?  Blurkled out butt crack.

I know The Amazing Race producers and editors love cleavage but this is ridiculous! AMIRITE?!

The first five teams to leave were able to catch the same train to their next destination while Teams Annoying and Amazing Rack would have to play catch up.

Goodbye Poland…    HELLO AUSTRIA!!!

All0049“The Amazing Race loads everyone onto a train in Poland”…
episode synopsis or Berlin headline circa 1940?

In True Amazing Race fashion the first “leg of the race” really just served as an opportunity for all the teams to get caught up at the same location.  In this case…  Warsaw, Poland.

All0050That’s what they said about my Great Grandfather.

Sure enough…   Team Annoying and Team Amazing Rack caught up with the other five teams in a train station in Poland.

TeamProductPlacement029I swear this show is the best damn Kings commercial I’ve ever seen.

I noticed a few weeks ago that Team Annoying (formerly Team Wild & Crazy Guys) couldn’t seem to execute a high five with Team The Amazing Rack.  This week it seems they struggled with something else we all learned how to do in elementary school.

Congratulating yourself for telling a lie that everyone knows is a lie is the equivalent of laughing at your own horrendously unfunny joke.  There’s only one kind of person who can get away with blatant lies and that’s little kids.

All the teams arrived in Vienna, Austria and immediately headed off to the Opera House.

All0051Somehow, despite separate cabs, all 7 teams arrived at exactly the same time.

I know that the show has to reset all the teams in order to keep any one team from gaining an absurd lead and to give them all time to interact and start constructing story lines and character interactions but I couldn’t help but notice that seven minutes of a 44 minute program had passed before we started getting any kind of meaningful separation between the contestants.

TeamWildAndCrazyGuys006The creepy dude in the costume is only half as annoying
as the guy from Team Annoying behind him.


Ally & Ashley decided, like everybody else but Team Shut Up Amy, to attempt the “Masquerade” half of the detour.

All0052As in “this show masquerades as a race around the world
when it’s really just a bunch of smaller races that happen to take place in different foreign locales.”

In order to complete the “Masquerade” detour, the contestants had to select and don ornate masks and then enter a strange world where mysterious masked strangers seemed to be participating in a frenzied never ending party.

fhd999EWS_Tom_Cruise_014Get out of here Tom Cruise.  

Ally & Ashley are way hotter than Nicole Kidman.


Last week I learned about U-Turns and Double U-Turns so I was curious to see if this weeks Detour would have any gimmicks thrown in once the teams got their instructions.  Imagine my delight when there was something called a Fast Forward!  Team Shut Up Amy decided to attempt the Fast Forward despite a warning that it was dependent on the weather.  The task was to bungee jump off the highest structure in Austria…

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-2I had to do it.

 The Donauturm!


I have a crippling fear of heights.  I’m told irrational fears are quite common but I say there’s nothing irrational about being scared of falling 500 feet to your death in the middle of Austria.  If I wanted to die in Austria I’d get in a time machine and visit my Great Grandfathers family.

Team Shut Up Amy decided to attempt the Fast Forward and appeared to be just as terrified as I imagine I would be.

Nice.  Edit.

That was worthy of The Naked Gun 2 1/2.

It was too windy to complete the Fast Forward so Team Shut Up Amy has to head back to the Masquerade.   How windy was it?

TeamKillMe008Come on Amazing Race.  You can do better than that.

 Back on set at Eyes Wide Shut 2 : Austrian Boogaloo, Team Pure Evil was the first to find the matching masks and receive the directions to the next location.


I wish I could tell you that I fought the good fight and my juvenile side let me be.  I wish I could tell you that…  but The Amazing Race is no fairy tale world.  I laughed like an idiot when Team Pure Evil pronounced it “Weener Sanger Nobbin”.  I don’t even care if that’s really how it’s pronounced.

After completing the task, Ally & Ashley proved they can execute a high five just fine as long as Team Annoying isn’t a part of it.

TeamProductPlacement032Good job Team TAR.

Once each team reached the Weener Sanger Nobbin they had to complete a Road Block by singing Die Forrelle with the Vienna Boys Choir.


TeamProductPlacement033Ally did the singing but I had the show on mute at this point.

The rest of this episode reminds me of my favorite joke.

What’s worse than listening to one Amazing Race team try to sing?  The holocaust.

What’s worse than listening to two Amazing Race teams try to sing?  The holocaust.

What’s worse than listening to three Amazing Race teams try to sing?  Nothing.

While listening to all the teams butcher what once was a beautiful piece of music The Amazing Race slipped in a cameo that I suspect only the most diligent viewers such as myself would have caught.


It’s Malakili! The Rancor trainer from Return of the Jedi!


To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Team Awesome is ALSO awesome at singing and so they were the first ones to arrive at the pitstop and wound up finishing 1st for the second time (third if you count the premiere where they finished second after taking a penalty at the end).


One by one the teams completed the task until it was only Team Amazing Rack and Team Oklahoma left.

TeamProductPlacement034“Best. Rehearsal. Ever.” said the Vienna Boys Choir.

Ally proved to be a better singer than Tim and so sadly it was time for Team Oklahoma to bow out of The Amazing Race.

Tim & Danny’s farewell speech came of as so heartfelt and the montage package was so well put together that when I die I want Team Oklahoma to read my eulogy and The Amazing Race producers to make a highlight reel of my life.  Just leave this guy out of it.

TeamHick005Remember me?

Of all the members of Team TRH Jesse Cohen probably comes closest to actually hating the Kings. Whether obsessing over the 1998 sweep at the hands of the St. Louis Blues, wishing he had witnessed the fight between Dmitri Khristich and Barry Potomski or cursing their attempts to fool the fans by dressing Randy Robitaille for 18 games, Jesse harbors a deep-seeded resentment towards the Kings.You can follow Jesse Cohen on Twitter @KingsMenPodcast.
  • FejsFuk Čekić

    Back on set at Eyes Wide Shut 2 : Austrian Boogaloo
    Weener Sanger Nobbin
    lmao, thx jesse