KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: THE NEW YORK RANGERS


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The Rangers, my personal blogger white whale. This is now my third post about the Rangers, but the first one that will actually be published. I have been personally cock blocked from writing a Rangers post, now dating back to the 2012 playoffs. First it was Adam Henrique’s bone structure in overtime, and then it was human guinea pig Gary Bettman with the lockout. I’ve debated from time to time deleting the previous posts from my drafts, I mean when am I ever going to use them, right? Well, this post is the reason. I figured I would take a little part of each post and put it into this one. So today, a very unique know your opponent: the New York Rangers, through the sands of time.

 

2012 Playoffs

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Believe you’re gonna get wrecked, son!

The New York-Los Angeles Stanley Cup Final that Gary Bettman wet dreams are made of. The two biggest media markets in the country going head-to-head for a trophy their kids can pee in. It’s beautiful really, so beautiful in fact, it’s been dusty everywhere I’ve been going lately. The Kings are in the Stanley Cup Final, which is weird, beautiful, and terrifying all at once. Before we all get ahead of ourselves, there’s still one more opportunity for the Kings to shit the bed, and one more team to potentially haunt our dreams. It’s time to take a look at the New York Rangers.

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WHY WOULD YOU POST THIS PICTURE, BRIGITTE???

The first, and obviously most important comparison I can make between these two teams is OMG CELEBRITIES AT GAMES!!! Obviously, this is going to be talked about, get used to it. The team with the most/best celebrity support should be propelled by all that star power, right?  First, which celebrities are hopping on the Kings already overloaded bandwagon?

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That guy from The Office.

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That dude from Modern Family

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The King of the Nerds

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Hey look, Alyssa Milano is still around!

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And of course, beautiful human David Beckham.

Come to me, David!

That is some serious star power! Let’s see how the Rangers compete with walking sex god David Beckham!

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Snooki? LOL We’ve got you beat, assholes!

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Oh well, Liam Neeson is pretty terrifying.

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Oh, Gerard Butler…so pretty.

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Oh that’s right…dammit how do you compete with Kate Upton?

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Man, we never stood a chance.

Ah memories, what a fun and strange time the 2012 playoffs were……I’m sorry I seem to have been distracted by the amazing boobs on my screen right now. (Yes, I’m referring to the little window of me in the corner while I’m skyping…naked. Total babe! Great rack!) Anyway, here’s the second post that never saw the light of day.

2012 Season Opener

It’s finally here! It’s time to raise the damn banner, and put a beautiful close to the greatest months of our lives. After they raise that gorgeous banner to the rafters though, there’s a game to be played, and a team that’s going to be pissed about it. After falling just short of reaching the final last year, the Rangers are going to try and spoil our fun. Screw you John Tortorella, you killer of dreams and murderer of puppies!

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I’M SORRY OMG JUST STOP YELLING I’M SO SCARED

God, he’s terrifying. The screaming isn’t even the worst part, it’s that thumb…

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Sometimes at night, the thumb comes to haunt me.

Those poor bastards on the Rangers, I can’t even imagine the hell their lives are day in and day out. It has to be especially hard for Brad Richards, I mean you could have come to LA, Brad.

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Could have been you, Brad!!!

Instead this is you….

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OH GOD NO, I’M SO SORRY HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

OH GOD MY EYES!!!! Why did I ever put that photo in a post? God I almost forgot that thing existed and then BAM, there it was. Oh god I’m a twisted mother fucker. I guess I see why these posts never made it out, the universe was not ready for this twisted shit. Now things have changed, the Rangers have a new coach…

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And Torts is in the division….

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STILL SO SCARYYYY

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Rick Nash is this fat again.

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Marc Staal has morphed into Dany Heatley.

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Henrik Lundqvist is still the sexiest man I have ever seen in my entire life.

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This guy still gets paid to analyze the team for some reason.

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And of course, Ryan Callahan will make his return tonight,
and will also continue to make the slow transformation into Mike Richards.
Which means he will score short handed, and will single handily win the game for them.

Sadly, this year there is no banner or big party before the game. Just two teams who are probably still hungover from Frozen Fury (I know I am), and Taylor Pyatt’s big blue eyes…

New York Rangers v Philadelphia Flyers

Hey, baby!

I won’t be attending the game, sadly, as my restraining order from multiple members of the Rangers states I must be 100 yards away, and I have really nice seats in the 100s. No, I will not sit with the peasants in the 300s, my wallet got stolen last time I sat in the cheap seats. Instead I’ll be watching at home, and enjoying many adult beverages. I am glad to be back here for another season, get used it, because I don’t plan on going anywhere soon.

One Girl One Puck is The Royal Half’s resident creeper. Her amazing posts, “Know Your Opponent“, have become a fan “favorite”. If any hockey player did anything stupid at any point of their life, and if someone was kind enough to take a picture, there’s a 100% chance she will put it in a post. She has been a Kings fan for over 15 years, even through the years when Jere Karalahti played “defense”.One Girl One Puck is also the co-founder of the hugely popular Tumblr page "Drew Doughty in Blue Jays Hats." It's exactly what you think it is. If you enjoy pointless posts about hockey players butts, she’s your girl!You can follow One Girl, One Puck on Twitter @OneGirlOnePuck.
  • rsal

    Awesomeness, great to read the first #KYO of the season!