FLUBBER’S GAME OF THE WEEK: ANAHEIM vs BOSTON
Hello, you’ve trick and/or treated into Flubber’s Game of the Week, where we take a weekly look at the best NHL game this week has to offer.
This week starts with a quick confession. For this week I really wanted to highlight the scariest matchup, notably one that occurred on Halloween. What I found was just too scary for the Internet, and something no one should joke about. BEHOLD THE HORROR!!!
AHHHHHH!!!!! Coyotes-Predators KILL IT WITH FIRE
That game is like the house giving out apples on Halloween. TRUE TERROR. You know, in, like, the original Halloween series of films, there was, like, that third one that had nothing to do with the first two? Yeah, this is way worse. This is like Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (not to be confused with Halloween 6: The Tax Evasion of Michael Myers). This game already has its best player killed off (Pekka Rinne), just like that movie kills off the best character in the first ten minutes (Rachel…ohhh my darling Rachel…WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?!?!). Plus, the killer (Michael Myers, played ably by Gary Bettman) operates through a schizophrenic little girl prone to fits of rage and psychotic depressive episodes (Shane Doan). No, this simply will not do. It’s too terrible.
So, let’s do this one instead.
As you may have known, I’m a bit of a Halloween movie series aficionado. The 1978 version, that is. And even though the first and therefore “best” one has forever been ruined for me, it’s still the better than the others. In fact, there are so many similarities between players in this game and characters in the movie, maybe it would be worth our time to take a look. Sure! Why not?!
Trivia: Mere seconds into the movie you can see Bruins’ coach Claude Julien make a brief cameo appearance.
He hasn’t aged a day.
Laurie Strode, Jamie Lee Curtis’s character who just won’t die. She really isn’t that unlikable which is probably a reason Curtis came out of this film with the only competent acting career of any of her co-stars. She is reminiscent of Teemu Selanne, mostly because he gets to have a Mariano Rivera-like year long retirement party because he has meant so much to people or something stupid. Bottom line: he just won’t die. In fact, he is hurt and out for this game, so maybe he is more like Strode in Halloween 2 where she’s cooped up in the hospital the whole time. Other comparisons are that Laurie is easily the most boring of all of Halloween’s characters, what with her drab wardrobe and constant babysitting – not taking the time to have copious amounts of sex like apparently every other teen in Haddonfield, IL. Similarly, Teemu hates fun.
Annie: also known as “the bitch friend.” She dies. She is a terrible person, hates her friends, is a sarcastic jerk to everyone. Terrible to be around. She is Corey Perry. They even look alike.
Lynda: also known as “the painful ’70s stereotype friend.” Also, the hot friend. She also dies. She uses the word “totally” as an adjective, verb, and, at times, a noun. This would be fine if she had a much smaller role. As a result, her fifteen or so lines are littered with these colloquialisms, and it really takes away from the unimportance of her character. She dies nude, because someone has to (by the way, the video in the link attached to her name is partially NSFW, so yeah, don’t be at work). She mostly resembles Ryan Getzlaf. Although Teemu is the most famous of the friends and everyone loves him, Getzlaf scored two more goals than Selanne during the greatest time in Ducks franchise history: the 2007 Final. That is to say, Getzlaf scored two goals and Selanne scored none. Since the Ducks definitely won’t go to the Cup again this year, Getzlaf will hold the title of the “hot” Duck, the one that gets to show his boobs when it matters and all of the Anaheim fans love him for this (Kings fans see: Trevor Lewis). Ultimately, though, his NHL career will be overlooked because he spends his career in Anaheim. He is also annoying as hell. Smug douche.
As a side note, how terrible are the supporting characters – most notably the “friends” or “sexy teens” – in these movies? Specifically this film and Halloween 5? I keep bringing up #5 because it has almost exactly the same plot as the original. You have these schlubs listed above, and then you have Rachel’s friend Tina in H5. Tina sucks. None of her lines do much to carry what little of a plot that exists, and she lives way too damn long in that movie, only to have some big scene where she sacrifices herself to save Jamie – the little girl protagonist anti-hero – even though Michael Myers wasn’t going to kill her anyway. Rachel could have been the sacrifice (this goes back to my point about RACHEL DYING THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Rachel actually takes care of Jamie, and when Rachel disappears (DIES, DAMMIT), Tina treats Jamie like an elderly relative and lets her toil in the psych ward just because she wants to horizontal bop with some Fonzie loser wannabe. Then he dies, and HONESTLY (spoiler alert!), she rides around in his car with Michael Myers who has ANOTHER mask on and she has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA IT’S NOT FONZIE. Right there, movie, if you are going to kill her, you do it right there. Not 45 minutes later.
Anyway, my point is it’s like the writers put the obnoxious friends in the movies just so we would cheer for them to die. They don’t really move the plot. They just take up time and give Michael Myers terrible people to flippantly kill. Aren’t we supposed to fear Michael Myers? I find myself hoping he will off these dweebs early on and we can get back to Donald Pleasance ambling around for the next 70 minutes and finding children to shake.
Lindsey Wallace, the little girl that Annie is babysitting. She does not die. In fact, she may already be dead. She sits and stares at the television, and doesn’t do much else. The dog barks; she stares. The phone rings; she stares. Annie screams for help after getting locked in the shed; she stares. Tommy Doyle (the boy Laurie babysits) runs from IN FRONT OF HER FACE to behind her to scare her; she has no idea who is scaring her, and they are the only two in the house at the time. You could have put a mannequin in her place and it would have been better. It’s like her mind isn’t working or something. Basically, Dustin Penner.
— Dustin Penner (@Dustinpenner25) October 24, 2013
Bob, Lynda’s boyfriend. We need to talk about this character. He dies, so it will be okay, but we need to talk nonetheless. He is only in the film for like five minutes. Five minutes too long. Massive tool. Actually says this line to Lynda while they are sitting in his blue stalker van and getting all amorous and business: “First I rip your clothes off, then you rip my clothes off, then we rip Lindsey’s clothes off.” Lindsey is the little girl. Don’t rip her clothes off. This is an obvious character flaw for the audience to be okay with his death – remember, this is a problem, and the writers should have made us hate him in some other way. Alas, this is all we know. He’s just like Brad Marchand.
And, finally we get to the Donald Pleasance of the NHL. This character – Dr. Loomis – is Michael Myers’s doctor that appears in EVERY MOVIE and usually warns people that Michael is dangerous. Then, those people inevitably do something stupid to let Michael out of his cage or whatever, Michael kills a bunch of people and escapes, Donald gets to say I told you so and goes on the world’s most disorienting manhunt, he makes sure to tell the cops not to kill Michael for reasons unknown, then he ends up shooting Michael multiple times by the end of basically every movie. This can only be one person. This can only be Bruce Boudreau.
In six years as an NHL head coach, he has taken his team to the playoffs only to lose to the eventual Cup runners-up (Penguins 08-09), watched from Washington as the Boston Bruins won the Cup (10-11), came to Anaheim just in time to watch the crosstown rival win the Cup (Kings 11-12), and lost in the first round last year as the Pacific Division champion. He may be forever doomed to continue shooting blanks at the perambulating monster that is success.
Who cares. I hate these characters/players so much. If you want context, the Ducks are 10-12-2 in 24 games against the Bruins all-time. Three of those are OT loses. So, the Bruins even out the ROWs. 3-2 Boston.
Have a wholesome harvest, or whatever!