THE AMAZING RACE RECAP – EPISODE 5
Greetings Kings fans!
What a difference a week makes!
Last episode ended with an infuriating cliff hanger and the revelation that it was a Non-Elimination Leg of The Amazing Race. I’m new to the show so this whole “Non-Elimination Leg” seems like real bullshit to me but I guess I’ll live… HERE’S THE TEAMS IN THE ORDER THEY “FINISHED” LAST WEEK!!!
We learned right away that Team Annoying did, in fact, trade their extra Express Pass to Team ER in exchange for the location of the check in point, The Viking Longhouse.
Team Sexy dominated in Episode 4 and their reward was to be the first to learn that they would all be taking the same boat.
Once on the boat, Team Annoying revealed that they would like to keep lording their bonus Express Pass over everyone even though they agreed to surrender it to Team ER. So the two teams agreed to keep it a secret and handed it off in a clandestine Express Pass exchange!
And then just in case to make sure you were paying attention or perhaps because the producers think you might be stupid…
After a 34 hour boat trip it was time to board a flight to their next destination.
Goodbye Norway… HELLO POLAND!
The teams all set off to find something called “Solidarity Square”.
Maybe this is just my “Ignorant Ugly American” cultural bias showing through but “Solidarity Square” reminds me of a dream I had where you had to play Goldeneye with the characters from Animal Farm. That’s right. I dream about Orwellian mashups of SNES games from 1997.
One of the things I’m learning about The Amazing Race as I watch it is that easily 50% of who wins or loses is determined by things like luck, fate and who picks the best cab driver.
Team Dancing Queens got stuck with a lousy cab driver and spent most of the first half of the episode just trying to find Goldeneye Plaza with Team Annoying and Team Wild And Crazy Guys.
Once the other teams found Solidarity Square they were directed to The Golden Gate where they would be forced to choose between learning a traditional Polish dance or panhandling while publicly posing as a statue of Neptune. No. Seriously.
Team Okie decided to Polka…
and man oh man did Danny really hate people making jokes about being dressed like a woman!
You know who thought Team Okie fighting about it was pretty funny? Their cab driver.
THAT is precisely the moment that it all snapped into place for me. I KNEW I had seen that shit eating grin before I just knew it.
Oh I’ll tell you where…
EPISODE THREE MOTHER HUMPERS!!!
You can fool some of the people all of the time Amazing Race and you can fool all of the people some of the time BUT YOU CAN’T FOOL ME WHEN IT COMES TO TEAM BUNNY!!!
For shame Amazing Race. Using footage from Poland in Episode Three. And making it look like this innocent man was leering at a lip on lip kiss between Bunnies when all he was doing was laughing at Danny being massively uncomfortable with some simple cross dressing! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore Amazing Race.
Team Bunny decided to give posing a shot and I instantly began losing interest in the episode.
They had to keep posing until they collected 75 Zloty and yes… “Zloty” is the real name of the currency in Poland. I’d like to point out at this point that I’ve not made a single joke about submarine screen doors or waving at one armed men in trees or anything like that. 75 Zloty converts to somewhere between 20 and 25 dollars and frankly I’d pay double that just to get them to take those horrible horrible costumes off.
Back in the Polka studio Teams Kill Me, ER and Okie were struggling to learn all the steps.
Man Danny was SO easily upset about this whole “dressed like a woman” thing I’d almost believe it was egged on by a producer or a trick of editing. Then I remembered this was The Amazing Race and they’d never stoop to that sort of OH WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT…
Team Sexy decided to pose like Neptune, then decided they’d be there too long and decided to go Polka and just you remember this kids… they may be fun but bearded hippies that live in the woods don’t know shit about how long it takes to earn a Zloty.
Fans of the show will already be familiar with the next twist they added but I had never heard of the dreaded “Double U-Turn”.
Any of the teams that reach the Double U-Turn have the option of forcing one of the teams behind them to complete BOTH RIDICULOUS TASKS. I was so desperately hoping someone would make Team Annoying do it but sadly almost all the teams were completely magnanimous AND…
The only upside was that the instructions for each task told them they had to keep their costumes on for the full day so when all the teams were assembled it was clear that they had used it.
The next leg of the Race was the longest apartment building in Poland. Honestly… I had no idea this was a thing. Do you know where the longest apartment building in the US is? How about just your state? Your town?
Team Okie finally finished learning their dance moves and wouldn’t you know it…
the bald cabbie thought it was hilarious!
And then… I shit you not… they used this clip again.
I swear to god this guy got more screen time than Ally & Ashley did!
Speaking of which….
The final road block in this episode was to run around the aforementioned longest building in Poland looking for the right jelly donut.
They completely got my hopes up by suggesting that the teams would also be judged on manners and I thought for SURE Team Annoying was doomed but of course…
There’s a trend developing here with Teams Annoying, ER and Kill Me routinely finishing first or close to it. I don’t like where this is going.
Team Okie U-Turned Team Wild and Crazy Guys who in turn U-Turned Team Sexy.
and that meant that everybody’s favorite bearded forest dwellers had to go back and perform the very task that they had abandoned earlier in the episode.
I know this is a reality show and that it’s all heavily edited and the teams are probably a lot more competitive than it’s all made to look… but there was something about Team Sexy getting treated so poorly in this episode after doing so well in the previous episode that just didn’t sit right with me. As much as I love Team Bunny, they were just awful last week and I can’t help but feel some injustice was perpetrated when they weren’t “Philiminated” (oh god I’m picking up the fan lingo) in the last episode. If you haven’t seen the episode by now I’m sure you can tell where I’m going with this. After completing both tasks, Team Sexy had to race down the longest pier in Europe in order to find Philk Hogan.
That’s when the sad inevitable fate of Team Sexy finally caught up with them. On a show with professional cheerleaders, a fitness instructor, a bikini model/beauty queen and two hot baseball wives what chance did two bearded tattooed lunatics from Chino ever have at winning this thing? Or am I reading too much into it.
To steal a page from The Royal Half Playbook(TM), I wish there was some way to visually represent how I felt at the end of this episode…
See you all next week.
Except you Polish cab driver in the pink shirt. I have to imagine this is the last time we’ll be seeing you on The Amazing Race.