THE AMAZING RACE RECAP – EPISODE 4


Greetings Kings fans!

It’s time for another recap of The Amazing Race starring Ally & Ashley!

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 Here’s your teams entering Episode 4!

Team Football

Team Football

Team Ice Girls

Team Ice Girl

Team Kill Me

Team Kill Me

Team Wild & Crazy Guys

Team Wild & Crazy Guys

Team Birdcage

Team Birdcage

Team ER

Team ER

TeamDowryCUTtiny

Team Dowry

Team Okie

Team Okie

TeamSexy000

Team Sexy

Team This Is Why I'm Really Watching The Show

Team Bunny

Team Annoying

Team Annoying

Oh man do I hate Team Annoying.

Team ER finished 1st last week so they were given the head start on the journey to the next destination.

Goodbye Portugal…  HELLO NORWAY!

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Wait…  Norway?!

I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

homer-evil-dogOr as they say in Norway…  “Jeg har en dårlig følelse om dette…”

The episode began with staggered departures again.  Team ER finished 1st in Episode 3, so they got to leave at 11:08pm.  Team Kill Me finished 2nd, so they left at 11:14pm and so on and so forth.

Team ER rushed to Osiris Travel…

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…but the earliest flight out had room for everybody.

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Then they rushed to the ferry…

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…but the ferry had room for everybody.

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That left me with a bunch of questions.

1) Why was Osiris Travel open in the middle of the night?

2) Why would the producers pretend that there were any stakes in who left first if they were going to set all the teams back to zero?  Twice.  Right away.

3) Would there be any bikinis in Norway?

4) WHY DID THAT STATUE FROM LOST ONLY HAVE FOUR TOES???

Hey.  Amazing Race & Damon Lindlof.

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It became pretty clear pretty quickly that I’d get my answer to #3.

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There would be no bikinis in Norway.

simpsons crying

Because this show is a lying liar who lies, once the ferry reached Svolvaer, Norway, it was a mad scramble to find the first clue and choose their first “Detour”.

All0026Barf.

Despite finishing LAST IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE, Team Annoying quickly grabbed a gigantic lead by being the first ones off the ferry to wrangle a Norwegian cab and get started stringing up fish heads.  A FERRY THAT ALL THE TEAMS TOOK TOGETHER.

TeamAnnoying004Marie finally found someone to talk to.

Slowly but surely most of the other teams found their way to the Detour and started stringing up fish heads with Team Annoying.  Team Bunny and Team Okie decided to try the other Detour option.

All0027Oh look.  A fish pun.

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I’ll get back to Team Annoying and the rest but I want to take a moment to appreciate the sacrifice that Team Bunny made by choosing the Hammer of the Cods task.  This was an episode filmed in the Arctic Circle.  When everybody wasn’t bundled up from the cold, they were wearing rubber smocks or wetsuits.  Team Bunny showed the only skin in the entire episode and for that they have my thanks.  I made a 50 second video highlighting it and set it all to The Beatles “Norwegian Wood” cus I’m hilarious and classy like that but YouTube instantly flagged it for violating copyright law or some garbage.  So here’s a still photo.

TeamThisIsWhyImReallyWatchingTheShow013Get it?!  NORWEGIAN WOOD…  cus they’re in NORWAY……

Anyway back to the other stupid teams and this stupid episode.

Team Sexy wound up being the best at stabbing fish heads on pikes and then wheelbarrowing them out to a field of fish head drying racks and honestly are you even still paying attention at this point?!  I spent two summers in my early twenties working in salmon canneries in Alaska…

bart fish…not like that…

steam oven ValdezYea.  That’s me.

Take my word for it…   working with tons of dead fish is the worst. Especially if the sun never sets.

All0029It’s the middle of the night in this photo.

So after lots of annoying behavior from Team Annoying and everybody else generally being pleasant and helpful to the people they like…  all the teams had to rush off to a giant bridge where one member of each team tied themselves to a rope and jumped off then swam to a bouy to find the next clue.

Bridge

Bridge

Jumping

Jumping

Swinging

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Swimming

Their reward for all that hard work and then throwing themselves into Arctic waters?

Appearing in a Ford commercial with Philk Hogan.

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Honest to god the entire third leg of this weeks episode was just an excuse to show all eight teams talking about how great a Ford Ranger was at dragging a boulder three feet so they could find a clue and a bag of old Viking coins undernea….  *sigh*

All0032That’s how far they moved the “boulder”. It’s yellow to signify that I could piss the same distance.

The only good part of the episode is that because they’re annoying and stupid and annoying, Team Annoying MISSED the clue and only grabbed the bag of Viking coins so they had no idea that the were supposed to take the Viking coins to a Viking Longhouse and…

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THAT’S RIGHT THEY HAD THE GALL TO MAKE THIS BORING HORRIBLE EPISODE A CLIFFHANGER!

homer doh

Attention The Amazing Race.

You are not Breaking Bad.

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You can’t give me a mediocre episode and then end it on a dramatic note and expect that I’ll come running back next week all nervous and worried about what happens next!  THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!  Besides…   Team ER doesn’t even need the Express Pass from Team Annoying.  They’re a capable team without any help and OH MY GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!  Team Bunny are the ones who desperately need the Express Pass and the chances of them ever catching up to Team Annoying in order to barter for it are slim to noSOMEONE MAKE ME STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS SHOW!!!

See?  I’m so upset I’m not even consistent with where I’m getting my GIFs for this recap from!

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COME ON THAT’S FROM DR. WHO!  WHO’S GOING TO EVEN CATCH THAT REFERENCE?  This is a mess.  I better wrap it up while I still can…

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Oh one last parting thought…

Team Ice Girl rules!

Of all the members of Team TRH Jesse Cohen probably comes closest to actually hating the Kings. Whether obsessing over the 1998 sweep at the hands of the St. Louis Blues, wishing he had witnessed the fight between Dmitri Khristich and Barry Potomski or cursing their attempts to fool the fans by dressing Randy Robitaille for 18 games, Jesse harbors a deep-seeded resentment towards the Kings.You can follow Jesse Cohen on Twitter @KingsMenPodcast.
  • 5-Hole

    wow…Kings, cleavage and Doctor Who all in the same recap…great work!!