Greetings Kings fans!

It’s time for another recap of The Amazing Race starring Ally & Ashley!


Since the last two episodes took place almost exclusively in Chile I decided to start learning as much as I could about the South American country.  Did you know that at 291,933 square miles, Chile is roughly 0.0014% of the surface area of the planet?  They’ve got a great national anthem too!


But just as I was about to start pronouncing it “Chee-leh” instead of “Chill-lee” , The Amazing Race finally made good on its claim of being a “race around the world”.

So long Chile…   HELLO PORTUGAL!

All009Hey did you guys know the official language of Portugal is Brazilian?

Unlike the second episode, in the third episode there seemed to be at least some advantages based on previous ranking so here they are in the order they departed for the airport.


Team ER snagged a spot on the earliest flight out (arriving in Lisbon at 7am) that should have gone to Team Football.  Proving that The Amazing Race Gods are just as fickle and punitive as The Hockey Gods or The Gain Weight From Watching Too Much TV And Not Excercising Gods, Team Football was foiled by a simple clerical error.  Unlike hockey however…  The Amazing Race has no referee.  Much like hockey however…  the powers that be on “The Amazing Race” don’t seem to give two farts about “fair” and so Team Football was screwed out of their hard earned advantage through no fault of their own.

All011Refering to Lisboa as “Lisbon” should be way more offensive than pronouncing Chile as “Chili”

Team Wild & Crazy Guys successfully recruited Team Portugal (Ally & Ashley) to join them on their connecting flight through London (arriving in Lisbon at 11am), but failed to convince Team Oklahoma to join them.


Team Oklahoma wound up joining Team Sexy on a connecting flight through Madrid (arriving in Lisbon at 10am) and I found myself liking both those teams more and more.

dancingARUntil that happened.

Teams Kill Me, Annoying and This Is Why I’m Really Watching The Show were left to jockey for position on the standby list for Team ERs flight out of Sau Paulo, Brazil or be stuck on a later flight (arriving in Lisbon at 12pm).  Teams Annoying and Kill Me arrived at the gate and realized it was closed and gave up while Team This Is Why I’m Really Watching The Show did exactly what you would expect two rich, hot baseball wives to do…




Emteuv7 Naturally this bold move destroyed the tenuous alliance between Team Annoying and Team Bunny (formerly Team This Is Why I’m Really Watching The Show). Team Football decided to gamble big by taking two connecting flights in order to arrive in Lisbon at 7am.  Right off the bat their second flight from Argentina to Madrid was delayed by four hours and, spoiler alert, they spent the rest of the episode trapped on planes and in airports until they finally lost.

TeamFootball004Team Football is not amused by Philk Hogan.

As it turns out, the earliest flight into Portugal also had room for Team Kill Me and they hooked up with Team ER once it landed.

TeamER004Team ER Me

After a race through Lisbon, each team was given a clue to guide them to their next destination.  The clue was an image of a beautifully decorated antique Coach.

don_cherry3Not quite.

All014There we go.

Fortunately every single Portugueseian walking the streets knew the clue was directing the teams to The National Coach Museum.  I was going to have a photo of a bunch of old NHL coaches lined up in a museum here but honestly who has the time.

All013Man… Bralizian is a beautiful language.

Once they found the museum, each team had to decide between putting together a giant puzzle or doing complicated math on a gigantic world map.

TeamThisIsWhyImReallyWatchingTheShow011If you stare at this photo long enough you can tell that they’re working on a puzzle.

TeamER005I think I can see my house.

Team Portugal and Team Wild & Crazy Guys arrived in Lisbon and Ally attempted to share a heartfelt moment…

I’m thinking about changing their name from Team Wild & Crazy Guys to Team Gross and Creepy.  If only there was some way to visually represent the douche chills those guys give me.

eyerollARThanks Ally!

Team Portugal and Team Gross’n’Creepy tried their hand at cartography first….


…but were ultimately foiled by the fact that the Earth is, in fact, round and not flat like a map.  As adorable and charming as they are I don’t expect a couple of 20-something cheerleaders to be able to perform complex mathematical equations using only an oversized compass and map but I thought Team Gross’n’Creepy might have something going on upstairs.


So the two teams raced (see what I did there?) off to try their hands at puzzle making.

TeamProductPlacement020This is by far the most fun I’ve ever had watching people do puzzles.

So after the girls knocked out the puzzle it was on to the next challenge and the next touching reminiscence of Ally’s grandfather ruined by The Afghanimals.


eyebrowAMAZINGRACEThanks again Ally!

The outfits they made them wear while shooting off giant crossbows were crazy.  There wasn’t a single contestant who didn’t look utterly ridicu….   oh.

TeamSexy004Well played, Team Sexy.  Well played.

With their turn at archery completed the only thing left to do was check in and end this leg of the race.


Now that we covered all that, this episode revealed something very disturbing.  Very disturbing indeed.

The Ice Girls suck at high fives.

Now I’m going to allow for the possibility that Ally & Ashley don’t actually enjoy the company of Team Gross’n’Creepy as much as they might have suggested but this is serious.  High fives are no joking matter.  Ladies I know this was filmed a while ago and urging you to improve your high fiving in future episodes won’t accomplish anything but GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS!

Of all the members of Team TRH Jesse Cohen probably comes closest to actually hating the Kings. Whether obsessing over the 1998 sweep at the hands of the St. Louis Blues, wishing he had witnessed the fight between Dmitri Khristich and Barry Potomski or cursing their attempts to fool the fans by dressing Randy Robitaille for 18 games, Jesse harbors a deep-seeded resentment towards the Kings.You can follow Jesse Cohen on Twitter @KingsMenPodcast.