TUFF’S 3 PERIODS – 9.23.13
Welcome back, arguably discerning readers, to Tuff’s 3 periods. In the spirit of awards season, I’ll be handing out three golden Tuffys™ to celebrate all that was awesome this last weekend around the NHL. Yes, I realize I’m about a day late, but I’ve been busy forcefully vomiting for the last 24 hours after seeing what Zach Kassian did to Sam Gagner’s face.
FIRST GOLDEN TUFFY – BERNIER BOXING
Our first award this evening is for Outstanding Use Of Pent-Up Frustration by a French Goalie. Jon Bernier may never have gotten much of a crack at an NHL starting job, but he did get a fairly good one in on Ryan Miller’s face. After Phil Kessel took a Darth Maul swing with his stick at John Scott’s legs while he was being restrained, all hell broke loose as both teams were all too happy to initiate a line brawl.
I have to admit, it warms my heart to see Bernier win over the fans in Toronto with this display of sheer anger. Let’s not mince words here, Bernier was throwing haymakers, not Glass Joe jabs. Most importantly, we just witnessed a pretty epic line brawl during the preseason. At this rate, Jon Quick will be tossing F-bombs by February, Kopitar’s annual slump should happen around Halloween, and the Calgary Flames should be eliminated shortly after lunch time tomorrow.
This season, the first full season since the Kings’ triumphant 2012, has all the makings of a classic. New divisions (conferences?), our very own outdoor game in Los Angeles, a brand new left wing, and a couple brand new punching bags within our divisional schedule. I couldn’t ask for much more, save perhaps the return of Heidi, an end to pee-shyness for all Staples attendees, and of course… another one of these.
SECOND GOLDEN TUFFY – IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SCALP
It must be my birthday or something, because we’ve been gifted the most unfortunate NHL marketing crossover since Toews and Kane hocked a third-rate smartphone — named after something you try to avoid in your underpants — in a bit about creepy photographic voyeurism.
I’m not joking when I say this is the closest I’ve ever felt to being under the influence of LSD without actually taking it. Henrik Lundquist seemingly stars as a burgeoning porno director as he gives Swedish instructions to a nameless blonde about how to hold a bottle of dandruff shampoo. Warning: do not watch right before bed or within 48 hours of attempting intercourse.
We’re told that Preparation H has secured exclusive rights to Henrik’s medicinal cream endorsement back here in the States, but they need to act fast now that John Tortorella has left the Big Apple, and the swelling has subsided.
THIRD GOLDEN TUFFY – JHONAS EN-WRATH
Seguing nicely from that Preparation H joke, we’ll now turn our attention to an H that’s both silent and violent. Jhonas Enroth, he of the backup Buffalo Sabres goalie position, got his pride absolutely brutalized on this shootout attempt.
Not particularly amused by Paul Ranger’s trick kick shot (though it didn’t go in), Enroth decides the only appropriate response is, of course, to hit him with a blunt wooden (composite?) object. Of course, I do the same thing all the time in my daily life. A friend points to an imaginary spot on my shirt, then proceeds to flick my nose when I look down? Naturally I look to bludgeon him with the nearest weapon-shaped item. Taco Bell drive-thru employee loads me up with packets of Mild instead of Fire? I toss my extra large Fanta right back through that goddamn window like it’s a live grenade. Someone slow-rolls me on a hand of poker? I usually flip the table, run to the parking lot, and pee on his car door handle.
My point is, not every attempt at light-hearted unsportsmanlike pride stomping such as Ranger’s field goal attempt deserves a violent reaction. However, I am glad to be able to spotlight this bonus Jhonas cajones moment, lest the netkeeper get lost in the shadow of his significantly more pacifistic puck-stopping teammate.
OVERTIME – THE TUFFICULT TWEET TAKEDOWN
Please everyone Pray for Dustin Brown and his Family. God be with you.
— Woodward Lawn Care (@DavidWoodward21) September 23, 2013
Listen to me. It’s a hamstring, not a flesh-eating amoeba. Save your prayers for a) Jeff Carter’s teeth to grow back, b) Darryl Sutter to avoid herniating himself, or c) a Stanley Cup in 2014.
That said, I do appreciate some good lawn care, and on that note, both Mike Richards and Drew Doughty are working on cabesa salads that could use some skilled landscaping. Tell you what, you trim those hedges back a shade and I’ll throw in some good thoughts for Dustin Brown in between my Hail Marys and begging the universe to make my dog stop watching me while I get dressed.
Until next time,
-King Tufficult (@KingTufficult)