TUFF’S 3 PERIODS – 9.16.13
The hockey season is nearly upon us. It’s time to shirk your daily responsibilities, monopolize the main TV in your household, and obsessively refresh Kings blogs from atop your porcelain throne. Welcome back to Tufficult’s 3 Periods… preseason style.
FIRST PERIOD – NOBODY PUTS ROBYN IN A CORNER
LA Kings Insider Jon Rosen recently got some quotes from our illustrious coach regarding the state of our defensive corps entering the (pre?) season:
Sutter: Well, if we’re healthy, nobody’s taking Drew’s place. Nobody’s taking Slava’s place. Nobody’s taking Greener’s place. Nobody’s taking Robyn’s place. After that, there’s holes there. There’s boxes that don’t have a name in there yet. So, who’s going to be Drew’s partner? Who’s going to be Slava’s partner? Who’s going to be Greener’s partner, and who’s going to be our seventh guy, and who’s going to be our eighth guy? Because you can’t have nine. [Reporter: So is the thought to start the year with eight defensemen?] I really don’t know that yet. I mean, if you start with eight, then you’re going 13 forwards, so I really don’t know. We’re not to that point yet.
Looks like Darryl is set on two puck-movers and two bash brothers, putting us in the interesting position of using Robyn Regehr as our #1 stay-at-home minute eater.
Of course, we don’t really have anyone else capable of that role, but I’ve always been a big champion of Rob Scuderi during his time with us, despite the fact that he’s never been on a date. I felt that many Kings fans didn’t fully appreciate his many contributions to the team, and I find myself wondering if we will be quite as solid in our own zone without him. Yet, what choice do we have other than to essentially plug Robyn into his place? Willie Mitchell? He’s a season away from being on the #1 pairing of a Sustainable Salmon Fishing advisory board. Jake Muzzin? The guy left bacon strips on his underpants last postseason. Jeff Schultz? His last team was afraid to play him in the third period of regular season games.
Perhaps Bob Scuderi would be willing to make an appearance. All in all, I believe our best bet is to pray to the hockey gods that Willie Mitchell has one more season of elite puckery left in him. That could give us D lines that break down as Doughty/Regehr, Slava/Willie, and possibly Muzz/Greene. Alec Martinez can fetch a decent return in trade, and Jeff Schultz can count his $700,000 while riding an exercise bike and signing waffle irons for future editions of Bailey’s Pawn Shop.
SECOND PERIOD – TUCK AND DIVE
The NHL’s Department of Fashion Safety added a new rule to the hefty rulebook this offseason explicitly banning the somewhat popular style of tucking in your jersey while on the ice. Perhaps no NHL’er has been more of a fan of this questionable look than perennial Gilette favorite Alex Ovechkin.
As far as our own beloved LA Kings, the most prominent tucker is probably Jarret Stoll. Over at Mayor’s Manor, the Mayor has chatted with Stoll a few times about this peculiar habit, leading to gems such as this (credit to The Mayor):
So, we had to find out, what’s up with tucking the jersey?
“I had the front side tucked in, not the back side though,” Stoll began – like that somehow made it OK.
“A little bit of tuck, as long as it’s like that (holding his hands about eight inches apart),” he continued.
Wait a minute, there’s a maximum amount of jersey tuck that’s allowed in the style guide?
“You can’t go full tuck (in the front). That’s like a mullet then almost. You can’t do that, but you can do a little bit.”
As hard as he was trying to sell it, we’re still not convinced of the legality here. Last we heard, jersey tucking was a major foul.
Moving on though - let’s transition to the photo on the right, taken at a recent World Series game up in San Francisco.
“That sweater is fashionable!” Stoll was quick to blurt out.
If you think that Stolly is a bit too preoccupied with his significant sartorial senses, don’t forget the off-ice benefits such interests can accrue. What say you, loyal subjects of King Tufficult? To tuck, or not to tuck… that is the question. Whether tis nobler on the ice to suffer the stinks and elbows of outrageous Nolan, or to ice Car Bomb against a C-wearing dumbbell… tweet me your thoughts (@KingTufficult). But most importantly, never forget… the phrase “You can’t go full tuck” has passed through the lips of Jarret Stoll.
THIRD PERIOD – TORTORELLA: #GETOFFMYLAWN
The days of BizNasty’s Twitter dominance are long over, friends. Everyone in the know is aware that the current reigning NHL Twitter comedian is none other than Strombone himself, Roberto Luongo. From his endlessly self-deprecating observations, to his surprisingly candid insights, Luongo’s tweets are absolute gold. Unfortunately, it seems those days might be numbered. New Canucks coach John Tortorella, he of the fiery outbursts and Beelzebub-ian thumb, has warned his players not to contribute items such as this during the season:
Eat your heart out Mariah Carey……. pic.twitter.com/LF370ksmGS
— Strombone (@strombone1) August 28, 2013
Look, Torts. I can deal with you treating the hockey media like Canelo Alvarez, but I swear to God the moment you infringe upon my online hockey entertainment, you have broken a sacrosanct pact between myself and the sport I love. That pact involves allowing me additional insight into the players’ personalities. I firmly believe that getting a more well-rounded view of these guys has added to my enjoyment of the game, and even allowed me to better understand some of their on-ice actions. Please don’t look to censor personality just because yours sucks.
OVERTIME – THE TUFFICULT TWEET TAKEDOWN
Here’s today’s lucky winner of the Tufficult Tweet Takedown sweepstakes:
GUYS WHAT HAPPENED TO KLESLA? i WENT TO BUY GROCERIES, CAME HOME TO PICTURES OF HIM ON A STRETCHER.
— Fish (@Munnoaster) September 16, 2013
You… you left to buy groceries? During the first preseason game of the year? No wonder Coyotes fans get such a bad rap! While you were squeezing guavas for ripeness, Rusty Klesla’s legs were twitching and freaking everyone out. Between that and last night’s episode of Breaking Bad, you could have inherited insomnia/nightmares like the rest of us, but no… you decided it was just oh-so-important to stock up on Chicken of the Sea and a meat-lover’s DiGiorno.
— The Royal Half (@theroyalhalf) September 16, 2013
Meanwhile I’m forever scarred by Jordan Nolan’s hair and OH GOD DWIGHT KING IS MAKING THAT FACE AGAIN. Also, what the hell is iWent? Is that like the new app that lets you share your urinary achievements with your pals on Tumblr? Sounds like an Arizona thing. I gotta say though, I really wouldn’t mind finding a tasty new craft beer during the next split squad game. That’s it, during Frozen Fury, expect me to check in using iWent from the alley behind Trader Joes.