KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: THE NEW PACIFIC DIVISION
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the Kings will be welcoming three new teams into the Pacific division as a part of the NHL’s new stupid realignment. If you didn’t know, frankly I’m shocked because this is the 156th post about it on The Royal Half just this week. Get your shit together, man. Anyway, no one on this site previews teams quite like I do, hence why I have my own section. (Each shit, other bloggers.) So let’s take a look at the three new Canadian additions to the Pacific Division.
The New Coaches
Three new teams, and three new fucking insane coaches! The Pacific will have no shortage of personalities behind the bench. Let’s start with new Oilers coach, Dallas Eakins. Dallas was the coach of the Toronto Marlies, the Maple Leafs AHL team, so you know he’s used to shitty Canadian hockey organizations. I’m really just looking forward to seeing his face a lot this year though…
Look at that sweet mustache.
Eakins is supposed to be the kick in the ass the young Oilers team needs, but I think that may backfire considering he’ll be the best looking guy on that bench by a mile!
Seriously, did you think I was joking about that?
Bob Hartley will be returning to the Flames this year, which makes him the longest standing coach out of the three. I mean, the Flames were such an amazing success last season, how could you not bring him back?
No one else on earth would be this happy to coach the Calgary Flames.
Considering the Flames have no starting goalie,
and “upgraded” their defense by adding Shane O’Brien,
I don’t think we’ll see many more smiles like that one.
God speed to you this season, Bob.
Of course, the real masterpiece of the new coaches is John Tortorella. When I heard the news about him being hired by the Canucks, I cracked open a beer and just sat back and enjoyed. John Tortorella is in our division. Just let that sink in, live there, enjoy it.
“…and then the Sedins looked at me and said they don’t block shots.”
Just imagine the torture the Sedins will have to go though on a daily basis now.
No more sheltered minutes, no more cake walk match ups, and actual PK time?
The first time Daniel Sedin lays down to block a shot I will literally dance with joy.
Just imagine if one of them breaks something playing defense?
I love you Torts, you crazy mother fucker.
The New Controversies
With every new team, comes new and fun controversies. Every team has their own issues that drive the fans crazy, like the Kings never ending search for a fucking left wing. Of course, the three new teams are jam packed with issues, but I’ll just highlight my favorite from each.
The Oilers are probably going to be one of the most overrated teams coming into the season, get used to hearing about how great they’re going to be. Frankly, no one knows what will happen, but they’ll probably suck ass. My personal favorite issue, once everyone realizes they aren’t making the playoffs, will be the Sam Gagner/Ales Hemsky “trade them for a bag of pucks” controversy.
“If I go, you go too buddy!”
Every year we hear the same shit about these two guys,
“They’re too old”, “We need to make room for the kids”, “They don’t produce enough”.
SHUT THE HELL UP, OILERS FANS!
If I hear one more person call Sam Gagner old, I will cut a bitch.
He’s 24, Twenty Effin Four! He’s my age, shit he’s younger than me!
Hey whatever Oilers fans, you want to trade either one down south to LA, I’ll take them.
I’ll let Sam Gagner score eight times on me in one night anytime!
The Vancouver Canucks “Never Ending Story” goaltending controversy will be a reoccurring narrative that you won’t be able to escape, like ever. Even with Schneider gone, trust me this goalie crap will happen again. Why? Because the Canucks new back-up goalie is already beloved by fans. Eddie Lack is probably a few years from actually challenging Roberto Luongo for the starting job, but trust me that won’t stop the Vancouver media from causing shit. If there’s one thing Canucks fans and media love more than anything, it’s a back-up goalie.
— Eddie Lack (@eddielack) September 8, 2013
And on this day, the Vancouver goalie Twitter war was started.
Now for my second favorite train wreck (Sorry Flames, but the Flyers will always be my number one), I present the Calgary “Dwelling in Mediocrity for Decades” Flames. This is truly the song that never ends, the Flames are always shitty enough to miss the playoffs, but good enough to never get a high draft pick. The saga of shit has no end in sight, and Jay Feaster will continue to eat his feelings for who knows how long. If only there was some way, or some beacon of light that could save them. What’s that?
IT’S BRIAN BURKE TIE WATCH!
That’s right folks, now instead of being focused on how terrible their team is, Flames fans can now focus on the always popular game of guessing whether or not Brian Burke’s tie will actually be tied! (Hint: It never is!)
Between this, and trying to kill themselves by drinking Saddledome beer, it should be a fun filled season in Calgary.
Sometimes when I go around the internet for pictures and various other things for posts, I stumble upon some fun stuff. One thing I noticed while doing this, is people have some dumb tattoos. Featuring shitty tattoos is practically required on this site, so why not. Hey, maybe our new divisional rivals aren’t as different from us as we think.
I will be shocked if this guy didn’t get this after injesting 30 heroin beers.
“Yes sir, what tattoo would you like today?”
“Yes, I’ll take this shitty Canucks logo and some stupid fucking writing around it.
Make sure it’s on my shoulder, I want to show off my awesome amount of body freckles.”
Seriously kids, really think before you get tattoos.
I know what you’re thinking now, am I really going to end this thing without some babe pics? Of course not! Since the Oilers and Flames aren’t exactly teeming with sexually attractive males, let’s just all enjoy some Ryan Kesler, shall we?
I’ve never been more proud to be an American.
Before I go, I just want to give a quick goodbye to the Dallas Stars.
It’s been terrible, I fucking hate you, and I hope you get ransacked in Conference III. Eat shit, you insufferable pricks. Have fun with Tyler Seguin, jackasses.