HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode VIII


HockeyHoarders

It’s been a quiet few weeks on the interwebs as apparently the preseason is low tide for people who are trying to unload their hockey memorabilia.

However, after digging deep for a few days, I was able to unearth some all-star items to add to the growing anthology that is Hockey Hoarders.

This is usually when I tie in a reason I chose these particular items, but I just can’t wait to share what I’ve found with all of you.

So catch up on the rules if you need to and let’s get this started.

 

No. 5

Brian Hayward Goal Magazine LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 0.0

*eyes bulge*

GAHHHHHH!!!

*stabs self in eyes with pen*

Ah, much better.

USEFULNESS: 0.0

The only time I’ve ever heard anyone describe anything involving Brian Hayward as “VERY GOOD” is when he remembers to zip up his pants.

PRICE: 0.0

I assume the only people who own this magazine are immediate relatives…

VALUE: 8.5

…so it’s actually an instant collector’s item.

STREET CRED: 8.0

PERFECT for a Kings fan who is friends with any Sharks or Ducks fans, just to remind them that they have no affiliation with this man whatsoever.

FINAL SCORE: 16.5

 

No. 4

St Louis Blues Tie Necktie LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 7.0

I’m just surprised anyone from St. Louis knows what a tie is.

USEFULNESS: 8.5

Doubles an excellent black arm band for Blues fans to wear for when the team plays the Kings in the playoffs.

PRICE: 1.5

Clearly the 99 cents are excellent homage to the greatest Blues player ever.

VALUE: 5.0

Oh, it’s new?!

STREET CRED: 9.0

Jon Hamm might high-five you! …before incessantly weeping in your arms.

FINAL SCORE: 31.0

 

No. 3

Hip Hop LA Kings Jersey - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 7.0

What. The. Hell.

Well, at least that had to be the worst of it.

USEFULNESS: 6.0

Hell. The. What.

Hip Hop LA Kings Reversable Jersey - Hockey Hoarders

“You know, we should put the same thing on the back. People will love that!” – Someone, somewhere, at some point in the 90s.

PRICE: 4.0

The two people watching are ready to pounce on this baby the second there’s a sale.

VALUE: 6.0

Nothing says “identity crisis” more than buying a “hip hop” LA Kings jersey on eBay.

STREET CRED: 8.5

But I bet some Swedish rappers would kill to have this for their next music video shoot.

FINAL SCORE: 31.5

 

No. 2

Rob Blake The Love Guru LA Kings Jersey - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

Just when Kings fans thought they could start to let the Rob Blake healing begin:

You are bidding on this incredible find for a true Rob Blake or Los Angeles Kings fan — the jersey worn by Blake during the filming of the 2008 movie “The Love Guru!” The jersey comes directly from the set of the movie…

USEFULNESS: 7.5

Ideal for your next Love Guru watch/singles party!

PRICE: 0.5

SOMEONE ACTUALLY MADE AN OFFER?!

AND IT WAS TURNED DOWN?!

VALUE: 7.5

Rob Blake The Love Guru Jersey LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

I truly believe Jesse Cohen will punch whoever buys this in the face.

STREET CRED: 9.0

Perfect conversation starter if you ever end up in a hot tub with Justin Timberlake, Verne Troyer and Mike Myers.

FINAL SCORE: 34.0

 

No. 1

Tip a King 1994 LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

We did it guys! We found the Kings “Everything is Happening” moment.

Tip a King 1994 LA Kings Full - Hockey Hoarders

Management ensured season ticket holders this would be the last “Just the Tip a King” event.

USEFULNESS: 10.0

I … I can’t look away.

PRICE: 6.0

Why must everything that is amazing in life cost so much?

VALUE: 10.0

You’re not sure what to look at first? I don’t blame you.

To start, please acknowledge the amazing combo of Bob Miller and Jim Fox looking curiously excited and relieved despite the fact that each still has one hand under the desk.

Also, Jari Kurri is getting some serious leverage behind his wide-eyed and clenched defender.

Tip a King Jari Kurri LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

Now that’s how you Finnish.

STREET CRED: 10.0

However, the pièce de résistance has to be a jubilant Rick Tocchet getting face-straddled by Wayne Gretzky, who responds by extending his stick upward in full mast.

Tip a King Gretzky Tocchet LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

I guess none of these Kings can wear white anymore.

FINAL SCORE: 46.0

 

Ah the greed of the Internet very well could have robbed us of the first perfect score!

But there’s always hope for next time…

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl
  • westc2

    “INITIAL REACTION: 7.0
    I’m just surprised anyone from St. Louis knows what a tie is.”
    You’ve obviously never been to St . Louis. You seem to be confusing it with the rest of Missouri, which is a lot of farmland and small towns. This is especially funny coming from someone in LA…where the majority of people dress like hobos or creatures from a bad 90′s sci-fi movie.

  • TOONS ON-ICE

    Hilarious! I think I drew that Tip a King cover! Thanks Kings Fans! I recently put TOONS ON-ICE Hockey on ice. Tooooo many lock outs. Music has replaced ink but the glory days in L.A will always be close to my heart. Imagine John Candy at a Kings game and Wayne Gretzky on the ice. There was nothing like it! ~ I just wanted to say out of all the NHL teams, the Kings were always the most welcome w my cartoon works. Bob Miller, Jimmy Fox, LUC! and even Michael Barnett, Pat Brissson and all the off ice royalty really helped me along the way as a struggling artist in the beginning. The Kings are first class! ~ Michael Fischer