HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode VII


HockeyHoarders

So no one has seen the LA Kings play a game, much less hold a full practice, and the regular season is still a ways away, so I guess it’s the perfect time to predict how the new Pacific Division will look at the beginning of April!

And as soon as I figure out which team are in the division, we’ll get started.

For starters, the Kings were taken out of the Pacific Division, and put into … the Pacific Division.

Alright then.

Well, at least teams were moved around into the new divisions. So let’s see who the Kings will be facing off with this year.

Anaheim. Phoenix. Arizona. San Jose.

So long, Stars.

That means some new teams!

Calgary. Edmonton. Vancouver.

So the remnants of the Pacific Division and the old Smythe Division got thrown together…

Yikes.

Let’s just get down to some predictions so I can get back to enjoying the fleeting moments of Summer. But we’ll do it Hockey Hoarders style! …except, well, a Top 7 list instead.

Same scoring system is used, but you get to look at two additional crappy eBay items.

I searched far and wide to find the perfect items to predict which teams will finish in exact order of this list. Enjoy.

No.7

Calgary Flames

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

This is the most perfect item for this list ever.

USEFULNESS: 2.0

The entire Pacific Division will find the Calgary Flames extremely useful in the standings.

PRICE: 0.0

I’m not sure if this is how much the mat costs or if it’s the over/under on how many points the Flames will get this season.

VALUE: 9.0

It’s going to be really nice having the Florida Panthers North in this division.

STREET CRED: 0.5

Having a door mat that is a replica Jay Feaster tramp stamp is what it is.

FINAL SCORE: 21.0
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 72

 

 

No. 6

Phoenix Coyotes

INITIAL REACTION: 3.5

I’ve never had a hockey puck blatantly lie to me like this before.

USEFULNESS: 6.0

Oh, maybe this was an ad for an air conditioning and fan store?

PRICE: 6.0

It’s either this or buying season tickets.

VALUE: 2.0

To be fair, only like 3,000 of these were claimed…

STREET CRED: 8.5

…so it’s totally a collector’s item that Seattle hipsters will go crazy for in five years.

FINAL SCORE: 24.0
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 86

 

 

No. 5

Vancouver Canucks

INITIAL REACTION: 8.5

Everything about this poster is the most ridiculous thing about this poster.

USEFULNESS: 2.0

Even Mats Sundin thinks this was a mistake.

PRICE: 1.5

Much like Messier’s contract, this is appropriately overpriced.

VALUE: 8.5

Huge collector’s item because I’m pretty sure Canucks fans started a fund to purchase and burn every Messier-related item that exists.

STREET CRED: 4.5

In an alternate reality, some kid has this poster hanging on his wall and is playing NHL ’96 on his PC without a sense of impending doom.

FINAL SCORE: 25.0
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 92 (Wild Card berth)

 

 

No. 4

Anaheim Ducks

INITIAL REACTION: 6.0

So that’s what Corey Perry would look like if he grew his hair out.

USEFULNESS: 6.0

This is the perfect way to teach your children that Mighty Ducks have rocket thrusting crotches.

PRICE: 7.5

This is about right seeing as people from Anaheim have no idea how much hockey items are actually worth.

VALUE: 5.0

Well, it’s either this or a Ben Lovejoy jersey.

STREET CRED: 4.5

Those four people watching this item will be so jealous.

FINAL SCORE: 29.0
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 95

 

 

No. 3

Edmonton Oilers

INITIAL REACTION: 4.0

I’m still not sure why Devan Dubnyk modeled his positioning based on an early 1990s tie.

USEFULNESS: 8.5

Ideal to wear to games when coming right from work. Also for hanging yourself when Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Jordan Eberle and Taylor Hall go down with injuries 3 weeks into the season.

PRICE: 7.5

$20 for a barely used tie?! Sign me up!

VALUE: 8.0

The perfect tie to show your employer and significant other that you don’t take either of them seriously.

STREET CRED: 6.5

I guess it’s the ideal choice for fans who want to show they loved the team once the dynasty had ended.

FINAL SCORE: 34.5
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 96

 

 

No. 2

San Jose Sharks

INITIAL REACTION: 8.5

Somehow this was a good idea at the time.

The franchise, not the plush toy.

USEFULNESS: 9.5

The suction cup will help pick Sharks fans up after an inevitable playoff collapse.

PRICE: 8.5

Mike Ricci’s looks and Douglas Murray’s legs for under $10?

VALUE: 3.0

It’s either this, or paying to watch Martin Havlat tear something in person.

STREET CRED: 6.0

You would probably be the envy of every Sharks fan. I guess that would be a good thing to some people.

FINAL SCORE: 35.5
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 101

 

 

No. 1

Los Angeles Kings

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

Get out of my screen and into my life!

USEFULNESS: 9.0

I don’t care how sad it is in hindsight, but this was the biggest moment in team history at that point.

PRICE: 10.0

*rips out car seats for enough change*

VALUE: 4.0

OF COURSE it has to be size of an actual banner.

STREET CRED: 9.5

I’d be high fiving Kings fans all the way to the Kings first ever Pacific Division Championship.

FINAL SCORE: 42.0
PREDICTED 2013-14 POINTS: 104

 

Dang, we didn’t get that elusive perfect scored today, but there’s always next time…

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl