HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode IX


HockeyHoarders

As the wait for the beginning of the regular season has dwindled down from months to weeks, hockey fans are anxious for the new year that is nearly upon them.

But until that glorious night comes, fans from all over the league must continue to bide their time until the opening draw of the new season.

That’s where Hockey Hoarders comes in to take away the pain of the offseason. Instead of clicking around every known blog to see if Jeff Schultz will make the cut as the 7th defenseman, you get to see what cockamamie concoctions some terribly sad (or possibly far ahead of their time) people have created over the years.

And while these items have been thrown to wayside and are now being sold to the highest bidder, that doesn’t mean they won’t hold a special place in your heart.

Check up on the rules if you’re a first timer and grab the nearest beverage at your disposal so you can try to swallow down these ghastly pills.

No. 5

Phoenix Coyotes Greatest Fan - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 3.5

Awfully presumptuous of them to make six of these.

USEFULNESS: 9.0

It’s the perfect card for Jordan Nolan and Dustin Brown to get Rusty Klesla this year!

PRICE: 5.0

I can’t believe it costs more than a Coyotes playoff game…

VALUE: 1.5

Just don’t plan on giving this card to anyone in more than five years.

STREET CRED: 7.0

Great throwback item to get any Alexei Zhamnov fan.

FINAL SCORE: 26.0

 

No. 4

LA Kings Pimp Jacket - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

I finally found the perfect gift to give @theroyalhalf at Frozen Fury!!

USEFULNESS: 0.5

 HSTHB-TRH

LIKE ANY HOCKEY BLOGGER COULD FIT INTO A MEDIUM!

PRICE: 1.5

I’d hate to see what this jacket was worth when it was new.

VALUE: 7.0

But man, fans all over the NHL would be totally jealous of you walking around the arena in this cloud-like masterpiece…

STREET CRED: 9.5

Maybe all of the scalpers outside would finally treat me as an equal if I wore this.

FINAL SCORE: 28.5

 

No. 3

LA Kings Bro Sweatshirt - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 7.0

Oh I didn’t realize I wasn’t finished writing about Frozen Fury garb for Las Vegas.

USEFULNESS: 6.0

I just want to know how the creator of this homage to all things Ed Hardy knew that Jeff Carter and Mike Richards would one day come to save the day.

LA Kings Bro Sweatshirt back - Hockey Hoarders

“Goalies are bottoms on the front, but love to be tops in the back.” – A wise shirt

PRICE: 3.0

OMG IT’S THE SAME PRICE…

…FROM THE SAME CITY!

How do we find this person to work out a deal???

VALUE: 6.0

This shirt tells society that you don’t value money.

STREET CRED: 8.5

But man, some poorly tatted up girl or guy would absolutely fall head over heels for you.

FINAL SCORE: 30.5

 

No. 50 2

Jake Muzzin Pittsburgh Penguins Jersey LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 8.0

Throwback throw-up alert!

USEFULNESS: 6.0

If you though your Manchester Monarchs jersey was old school, you’ve been missing out on this amazing, um, game-wornish preseason jersey?

Jake Muzzin Jersey Tag Pittsburgh Penguins Jersey LA Kings - Hockey Hoarders

That Dana Heinze sure is full of himself.

PRICE: 6.0

Muzzin must really need the money if he’s selling this on eBay.

VALUE: 10.0

It’s a really strange jersey to own if you’re a non-family member, but I see the appeal of it.

I mean, Jake Muzzin is a handsome man!

 Jake Muzzin Monarchs Ugly - Hockey Hoarders

I, uh, well… *sigh*

STREET CRED: 8.0

At least it’s not a Jeff Schultz Capitals jersey.

FINAL SCORE: 38.0

 

No. 1

Hockey with a Little Help from Your Friends Vancouver Canucks - Hockey Hoarders

INITIAL REACTION: 9.5

This. Really. Happened.

Who else is excited for the Roberto Luongo cover album?

USEFULNESS: 4.5

Nothing like some motivational talk about hockey from 40 years ago to set the mood with a special someone.

PRICE: 7.5

ONLY?!

I take back everything I just said!

VALUE: 9.5

I tried listening to this online, but I’ve been told you don’t really feel the words until you hear it on vinyl.

STREET CRED: 10.0

I’m guessing this is essentially a Vancouver hipster panty dropper.

FINAL SCORE: 41.0

 

Another fruitless effort, but it does get us one step closer to finding the ultimate piece of hockey memorabilia…

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl