HARDCORE PAWN


It all started with a series of innocent Tweets…

Oh man! I’m not taking my eyes off my social media!
*No really, I can’t look away. I need help.
I’m detaching from my friends and family and
I think there is really something wrong with me.*

… and then an awful, awful, awful video.

Seriously, if you made it even 30 seconds into that video
you are a way bigger LA Kings fan than I’ll ever be.

That’s right! Instead of giving money to some needy kids, LA Kings Mascot Bailey has gotten himself into a bit of illegal gambling bind… and he needs Kings fans to bail-ey him out! This is totally is not a case of the LA Kings cleaning out a bunch of hockey related crap that’s been piling up for 10+ years and selling it off to benefit a really great charity, the Kings Care Foundation.

NOOO! This is simply a hockey mascot who has made some bad life choices and in order to avoid his legs being broken and his pinkie sawed off just needs you to spend some money on some LA Kings-related memorabilia.

Poni Game Used Stick PAWN SHOPFYI, they use the term “memorabilia” very lightly here.

The good news is that Bailey met his goal… the orphans that he stiffed will be able to eat and Bailey will be joining LA Kings fans (and most of #TeamTRH) this weekend in Las Vegas at Frozen Fury.

The bad news is that Bailey used a site worse than The Royal Half to host all of this amazing LA Kings history. So in the ultimate act of public service… #TeamTRH has decided to sift through the 13 pages of total crap and pick their 5 best items from Bailey’s Pawn Shop.

 

Flubber McGee

First of all, Bailey’s Pawn Shop really gets the whole “pawn shop” motif correct with its neon sign that exclaims “SELL-SELL-SELL” like it’s in a part of town where the payday loans place has bars on the windows, there’s an auto garage called MUFFLERS or something that’s really a chop shop, and one of those art studios that thinks it’s kitsch because it’s in an abandoned warehouse with all of the copper wiring removed. All Bailey’s is missing is the I and the Y on the sign burned out and the next logical step for the lion is franchising this pee pee soaked heckhole.

OH BUT LOOK AT THE DEALS!!! *goes inside*

#5. Scott Parse Game Used Stick BBQ Set

Apparently the difference between a product of a player still on the team (Lewis, Nolan, King) and one not on the team is only $50. WHAT A STEAL. These BBQ sets are sure to go quickly because the market for them is through the roof right now!

#4. Peter Harrold Autographed Number

This particular product doesn’t have a description, so here’s one they can use: “Perfect as a house or apartment number, or buy two and make your very own Pavel Rosa replica jersey!”

#3. Player Signed Staples Center Panoramic Photo

Can anyone else imagine this autograph signing? How magical it must have been. So magical, in fact, that the product comes with a three inch tear on the top left free of charge!

#2. Brent Sopel Autographed Puck

Be the first one on your block to have a Brent Sopel autographed puck. Heck, be the FIRST person ever to have a Brent Sopel autographed puck.

#1. Olaf Kolzig Autographed 8×10

Kolzig Pawn Shop

Can’t find an autographed photo of your favorite former Washington Capitals goaltender who never played for the Kings, come to Bailey’s Pawn Shop! Where Bailey will specially hand deliver it to you and take pictures with you and your non-Kings purchase.

 

Spike Coffman

#5. Eric Belanger Autographed Player Cards – THERE ARE 2 OF THEM!

I’m absolutely shocked I haven’t already bought all of these. Maybe I can make some money and resell them now that they are truly a collectors item?

#4. Trevor Lewis Playoff Goal Puck

Interesting tidbits to this puck. It was the 1st ever playoff goal by Trevor Lewis and it was a PP Goal(Lewis has 2 Career Playoff PP goals, both against San Jose). It was also the last time the Kings scored in the 2010-11 season. Also from a collector stand point, and this may be hard to follow for some people, the autograph actually depreciates the value of the puck on the secondary market. Most people believe it should stay like it was on the ice.

#3. Ethan Moreau Signed Puck

This puck is priced with the number of minutes Ethan Moreau was useful, 10. I’d pay $10 if I could get an Ethan Moreau, Trent Hunter combo…. no, no I wouldn’t.

#2. Matt Moulson Autographed Puck

This would be worth a lot more money if you know it had one of those Islanders logos on it.

#1. Anze Kopitar Eisbaren Jersey

Kopitar Pawn Shop

You think I’m not going to put some whacky jersey that was worn for 20 minutes as my number 1? Too bad I don’t have that type of coin.

 

Indiana Matt

It appears that you left The Duke of LA Hockey off this email to #TeamTRH. So I’ll dedicate my picks to him… and his favorite player of all-time.

#5. LA Kings Team Signed Pennant

I’ve got a triangular bare spot on my wall between my Brad Richardson hat trick shrine and Brad Richardson shirtless poster. This should fit that space perfectly!

#4. A Kings Sweater Number 1 Patch signed by Anze Kopitar

Kopitar Number Pawn Shop

It’s really special how Kopitar felt compelled to show his approval for the number 1 patch on Brad Richardson’s #15 sweater. Can’t wait to sew it onto my Brad Richardson jersey tee.

#3. Complete Set of Upper Deck Stanley Cup Trading Cards

The best part of a set of Stanley Cup Trading Cards is that Brad Richardson probably isn’t featured in them.

#2. Stanley Cup Moments – Signed by Brad Richardson

The only thing better than watching Brad Richardson lead the kings to their first Stanley Cup is admiring his signature on the box of said video.

#1. Brad Richardson Autographed Player Card

Because he’s just so good looking. Just admire at those facial features.

 

Jack A. Wilson

#5. Trevor Lewis BBQ Set

Because with that spatula and this picture:

ARLINGTON, VA - AUGUST 26:  Trevor Lewis poses after being named a candidate for the 2014 USA Hockey Olympic Team at the Kettler Capitals Iceplex on August 26, 2013 in Arlington, Virginia.  (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

I will have the greatest 4th of July any American has ever known.

#4. Jeremy Roenick Autographed Player Card

It’s good to have things like a picture of Jeremy Roenick in a Kings jersey, with a letter on his chest, to really make you appreciate just how good we have it now.

#3. Dustin Penner Game-Worn Jersey Patch

I really want this one, but my concern is that a section of Dustin Penner’s jersey holds less value than that of most other players. You know, because it isn’t as rare…you know, because Penner’s jersey is so large…you know, because Penner is so large.

#2. Replica Stanley Cup

The only reason this would be useful for me is because I have friends who are Sharks fans…and you know, sometimes they just get so sad. NOW I CAN CHEER THEM UP!

#1. Kyle Clifford Autographed Player Card

The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

Jersey Brian

#5. Ethan Moreau Autographed Puck

The only thing more offensive than Ethan Moreau’s time with the Kings is that they’re charing $10 for this puck.

#4. Summer of Stanley Book

I can’t wait to read the sequel to the “Summer of George.”

#3. Bailey Head Hat

Nothing says “I was blackout drunk online shopping” like a plush lion hat.

#2. Jarret Stoll Game Helmet

Bailey’s Head Hat looks like a lion, but Jarret Stoll’s helmet will get you pussy.

#1. Dustin Penner Game Used Gloves

Penner Gloves Pawn Shop

The fingers smell like Mrs. Butterworth’s vagina.

 

King Tufficult

#5. Anze Kopitar Autographed Number

This disembodied numeral will make an excellent addition to the room in your house that your wife angrily reminds you is filling up with useless junk. Sure, a sparkly canoe-looking piece of fabric with Kopitar’s scrawl on it may not seem valuable at first, but I assure you, one day this thing can put your kids through college.

#4. Teddy “Percell” Autographed Puck

Purcell Puck Pawn Shop

The fact that Teddy’s name is spelled wrong in this item listing is a touching microcosm of his time in Los Angeles, and once you buy this item you’ll never be tempted to rest your frosty drink on an ordinary coaster ever again!

#3. Raitis Ivanans Autographed Puck

A super rare collectors item, this piece is a throwback to a time where Raitis’ brain function still allowed him to perform complex motor tasks.

#2. Replica STANLEY CUP

Looks just like the real thing! Except it measures approximately 6″ by 2″, so it’s more likely your kids will hide it somewhere and the next time you see it will be on an X-ray of your dog’s intestines.

#1. Trent Hunter Autographed Player Card

No doubt, this item is the crown jewel of the lot. Issued shortly before Mr. Hunter was never heard from again, it captures his Fu Manchu facial hair style in stunning detail. A must-have for any true Kings fan.

 

One Girl, One Puck

#5. Drew Doughty, Oscar Moeller, and Wayne Simmonds Signed 8 x 10 Player Card

So much baby fat in this picture! Remember when the Kings thought these three were the future stars of the franchise? Well, one out of three isn’t bad I guess. Plus, any picture where Drew Doughty doesn’t look like a greasy douche is a rare commodity.

#4. Any of the 3 Alexander Frolov autographed 8 x 10 Player Cards

I love Frolov, eat shit haters. (Hey Bailey, if you ever find one of Frolov’s old cardigans laying around, I have a blank check with your name on it!)

#3. Brayden Schenn Autographed Puck

I want this just to be able to remember what a key role Brayden played in helping the Kings win the Stanley Cup. This will go right next to my replica ring and I may or may not take a picture of this and send it to Paul Holmgren.

#2. Game Used, Scored and Signed puck by Trevor Lewis 2011 playoffs 4.25.11 vs San Jose

My first comment is about the price. 100 bucks? Shit. The other pucks from goals are 40 bucks, but I guess I understand the price.

1. This is a playoff goal, so that adds a few bucks.

2. Trevor is still on the team, so more money there.

3. TREVOR LEWIS SCORED A FUCKING GOAL!! IN THE PLAYOFFS! I’m actually shocked this isn’t in his room. Those skills will come in handy when he’s on the Olymp…LOL I can’t even finish that sentence.

#1. Rob Scuderi Home Appearance Worn Jersey

Scuderi Jersey

The Rob Scuderi-worn jersey has a picture of a Dustin Penner jersey, which is sad and hilarious at the same time.

 

Ironsight Design

#5. Trent Hunter Player Card
#4. The Richard Petiot Puck

Says game used/scored, but he never had a point with the Kings.

#3. Jarret Stoll Helmet

Only if worn during concussion.

#2. Anson Carter Puck
#1. As a Graphic Designer AND a LA Kings fan… I truly feel like that if our Mascot is going to be forced to go into the pawn shop business in order to pay off a massive debt… he should have the best sign possible. So instead of this:

Baileys Pawn Shop Logo

How about this:

BaileysPawn_0827_2-imp

 

Jesse Cohen from All The Kings Men Podcast

#5. Dwight King Game Used Stick BBQ Set

Come on. Seriously. Come on.

Your friends and neighbors will make their own “Dwight King Face” when they see you grilling with your very own Dwight King game used stick BBQ Set. Dwight King makes the Best Wings.

#4. Jon Klemm Game Used and Scored Puck

Jon Klemm scored puck? Well according to Hockey Database and TSN Jon Klemm never scored a goal as a member of the Los Angeles Kings and the date on the puck is 3/27/08, a 4-0 victory over the Coyotes in which KEVIN DALLMAN scored the first goal. Kevin Dallman wore #38 and if you look at the puck again you’ll see #38 written on it plain as day. If this were comic books or action figures this would be a misprint or “variant” and wind up being worth loads to creepy obsessive completists. Get your shit together Bailey.

#3. Scott Parse Game Used Stick BBQ Set

Be one of the top three most talented grillers on your block with this beauty.

#2. LA Kings Player Castle Doors (Players Entrance)

Castle Doors Pawn Shop

These are awesome. I would so replace the gate to my backyard with these things. $400 seems like a pretty reasonable price too. I don’t even mind that I have to go pick them up from wherever they currently are stored.

BUT THEY EXPECT ME TO PAY THE $5 SHIPPING CHARGE WHEN I’M NOT HAVING IT SHIPPED ANYWHERE?! NO DICE!

#1. Jeff Carter Autographed 8×10 Player Card

You’ll make your money back by charging The Royal Half to obsessively sniff, caress and spoon with it.

 

Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy

#5. Anson Carter Autographed Puck
#4. Anson Carter Autographed Puck
#3. Anson Carter Autographed Puck
#2. Anson Carter Autographed Puck

#1.Funyons… because I like to play:

 

PumperNicholl

I’ve already got plenty of old LA Kings merchandise. Instead I’m going to the biggest hockey clearance sale this summer.

OldMerchClearanceSale“Out With The Old & In With The New” was also
the 2013 NHL Trading Deadline slogan for the Stars.

The Royal Half

#5. Kyle Calder Game Used and Scored Puck 2/21/08

Kyle Calder scored 15 goals in 139 games for the LA Kings. But here’s the problem… Kyle Calder didn’t score for the LA Kings on February 21, 2008. Nor was he in the lineup for the LA Kings that night. But the bigger mystery is how did Kyle Calder ever score 15 goals and how did he ever play in 139 games?

#4. Ray Ferraro Autographed Puck

Own a souvenir from the LA King who called out Steve Duchesne for being awful in 1999.

#3. Craig Conroy Autographed 8 x 10 Player Card

This is not a joke. I loved Craig Conroy when he was a LA King. But I love him more when he gets dressed up for work as the Special Assistant to the General Manager of the Calgary Flames.

#2. Oleg Tverdovsky Autographed Puck

Oleg Tverdovsky was a salary dump from Carolina in the trade that brought Jack Johnson to Los Angeles for Tim Gleason and Eric Belanger. Jack Johnson was traded for Jeff Carter so Oleg Tverdovsky is one of the greatest players in LA Kings history.

#1. The Complete Butchering of the Name “Jonathan” by whomever set up the Bailey’s Pawn Show Website

Jonathan Pawn ShopIf you are playing along at home… it’s spelled differently on both Bernier’s.
And totally wrong on Quick’s.

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.