TUFF’S 3 PERIODS – 8.26.13



TUFF’S 3 PERIODS – 8.26.13

 

It’s been quite a busy weekend, so strap on your protective cup and get comfortable — it’s time for an extra-special Monday edition of Tuff’s 3 Periods!

FIRST PERIOD – NEWARK NUTS

Our leading story today: New Jersey has finally hit rock bottom. Yes, that’s right – the Garden State survived Sandy, Snooki, and Springsteen… but the Devils have taken it upon themselves to embarrass the state further by basically asking for a bunch of stuff for their arena (7 figures worth) and then simply not paying.

Just to bring you up to speed on what is exactly alleged against the Devils, here’s a quote from Centerplate, the team’s arena concessions vendor:

“Reportedly, in need of a cash infusion to pay its operating expenses, make its payroll, and marshal enough capital to pay its lenders… [the Devils] accepted millions of dollars in materials and services from vendors, like Centerplate, without the intent or financial ability to timely pay the vendors for the materials and services needed.”

According to league records, the NHL hasn’t seen this level of outright theft since Jeremy Roenick’s 2005 stint with the Kings.

But it doesn’t end there – in an attempt to fight back against the hordes of vendors surrounding Prudential Center with torches and pitchforks, the Devils took the offensive and sued their contracted janitorial service company. The Devils claimed that the janitors weren’t doing their job, as the arena was apparently filthy (shocking, I know). Incredibly, the Devils claimed that arena janitors were drinking the unfinished beers that patrons left behind, alleging that they would drink enough to become “visibly disoriented and… only [able to] perform basic work assignments in a shoddy and careless fashion.”

I am not making this up.

Arachis_hypogaea_004

The final kick in the nuts, so to speak, was when the Devils broke an exclusivity pact with the Newark Nut Company, as the team cowardly allowed nuts from other, lesser legume vendors to secretly enter the hallowed halls of the Prudential Center, effectively reneging on their contract with the peanut provider. “We just got fed up, to be honest,” a Newark Nut Company representative admitted. “We said ‘these are not good people,’ and we moved on.”

To all this I say: for shame, Devils. So what if your janitors have developed a taste for backwash-infused Shock Top and Hepatitis C? Have you ever tried to mop a stadium bathroom while buzzing off of the sweet, sweet goodness of room temperature Coors Light and the DNA of eight to ten random Devils fans?

Pay your vendors. Keep your promises. Time to do the right thing, New Jersey, or else D’s nuts will be all up in civil court.

 

SECOND PERIOD – TWENTY-SIX CANDLES

Our star Slovenian turned 26 this weekend, getting so drunk in the process that he seems to have pocket-tweeted gibberish:

Being that Kopi has now made 26 trips around the sun, this seems like as good a moment as any to stop and appreciate the guy’s contribution to our fair city and team, much like we did with Dustin Penner last week. It’s no secret that on certain teams in the East, Anze would likely have absurdly high point totals and instant recognition, while in the West he labors in obscurity and waits in line at the DMV.

Our Slovenian Savior.

Mike Richards has called Anze Kopitar a top 3 player in the league, and for good reason. Our Kopi can do it all – score, pass, defend, and speak English better than the majority of his North American teammates. That’s why I get so infuriated that when I say “Anze Kopitar” to an East coast hockey fan, their reply is always “Gesundheit.”

I was at Kopi’s Kings debut in October 2006, and I remember watching him fly around out there like a real-life version of an NHL video game. It’s been a joy watching him develop into one of the game’s most versatile and elite players. June 11, 2012 would have never happened without this wonderful man whose life is now eternally linked to the city of Los Angeles and its thousands of hockey faithful.

 

THIRD PERIOD – YOU OTTAWATCH YOURSELF, BLOGGING SCUM!

In our final period today, we’ve got an item straight from the “truth is stranger than fiction” category. It seems that Travis Yost, HockeyBuzz blogger, has rustled someone’s jimmies to the point that his entire online presence is being hacked and deleted with reckless abandon. Yost had recently been posting about Ottawa’s financial woes, when malicious links tracing back to a charity tied to Eugene Melnyk (the Senators’ owner) began appearing in his inbox. Is Eugene Melnyk trying to silence those attempting to paint an unflattering, yet realistic portrait of the team?

Oh no you dih-int.

Shortly after his HockeyBuzz posts mysteriously vanished, his twitter account disappeared, and his personal blog seems to be having pages go missing as well.  Someone is trying to silence Mr. Yost because of his honest and outspoken criticisms, which leads us to the only logical conclusion – they’re coming after King Tufficult next.

But that will never succeed, because I don’t click on sketchy looking links. I’m a master of the online world, ever since I learned one weird trick for losing 35 pounds (and my bank account to a Somali web pirate).

 

OVERTIME – THE TUFFICULT TWEET TAKEDOWN

Our star of the Tufficult Tweet Takedown today comes courtesy of one King’s all-out effort to score.

McKenzie’s friend and I understandably had the exact same reaction, verbatim:

Hmmm, let’s see. Probably the usual suspects… I’ll guess Carter or Richards, since those two scoundrels are always– what? Richards is dating a doctor and Carter’s with a photographer and philanthropist? Maybe Penner then, surely he’s ready to get back out there after signing two very important and very different legal documents this summer. Or perhaps Drew Doughty, we’ve certainly heard rumors of his exploits.  Ok, I’m going to put my money on Doughty.

YES. Trevor Lewis, my man! In honor of our unsung hero’s impressive dangle, I will not be performing a takedown on this tweet – instead, I will celebrate it. It’s not always glamorous being a PK specialist, but when you’re the best hockey player from Utah ever, I’m guessing you’ve got some room to flex when you’re in SLC. We couldn’t get a quote from Trevor before sending this article to be published, but we imagine his reaction would have been something like this:

trevor

-King Tufficult (@KingTufficult)

As a child, King Tufficult liked to hang out at Iceoplex to watch his dad's summer skating group that included many gloriously mulleted individuals. Some of the people attached to those mullets played for the early 90's LA Kings. It was destiny. Since then, King Tufficult has enjoyed such hobbies as: watching his lifelong favorite sports team achieve their first championship in history, being unable to pee at Staples Center if too many people are waiting for his urinal, and "contributing" to The Royal Half.If you're a glutton for punishment, you can follow King Tufficult on Twitter @KingTufficult.
  • Zach Carlson

    *American Hero Trevor Lewis*