KNOW YOUR OPPONENT – THE 2014 USA OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM


Everyone knows I absolutely love finding and exploiting pictures of hockey players at their absolute worst. Whether it’s drunk pictures, semi-naked pictures, or the always popular awkward high school/college photos, nothing gives me more joy than bringing those gems to you. Well sometimes those gems just fall into my lap, and when they do I get the privilege of not only sharing them, but ripping them apart. That opportunity was given to me by USA Hockey, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. While I can’t go through all the pictures (there’s a lot), I’ll bring you some of the highlights for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the best part of my summer so far, the Team USA glamour shots.

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Simmer down, Dustin.
Can you believe this is our captain?

Now before we get into the absolute debacle, let’s start with some of the guys who actually came out looking half decent…

The Good (At least semi-decent)

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Congrats on your face, Craig Smith!

You might be the only one who came out looking like an actual human being, you should be proud of that.

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Good job, Beau Bennett, good job indeed.

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Raise your hand if you though JVR would have a decent glamour shot?

PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN YOU FILTHY LIARS!

When JVR is one of the decent ones, you know it can only go downhill from here.


The Bad…

USA Hockey 2014 Olympic Portraits

I know you’re hungover, Patrick.

I also know you frosted those tips you son of a bitch.

(Fuck do I really have to root for Patrick Kane? Seriously? Dammit)

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Trevor Lewis doing his patented “I don’t know why I was invited to the Team USA camp either” face.

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You are one greasy mother fucker, Ryan Callahan.

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This picture is the perfect example of a really hot hockey player shown close up, and know you hate all photos and life and want it all to end.

I still love you, Jake, but I can’t get that close to your face anymore.

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Kyle Palmieri was also invited to this camp, and…..fuck seriously this roster sucks.

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No picture of Ryan Kesler can be that bad, even ones where he looks like he wants eat my face off.

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Please explain why we need to be so close to TJ Oshie’s face?

No one should be allowed to be within six feet of any St. Louis Blues player ever.


The Fucking Terrifying…

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“Hey baby, you want to see what Andy Murray taught me about pulling the goalie early?”

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What the hell is this?

This is why Quick doesn’t smile, people!

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I can’t tell if he’s trying to seduce me or kill me… either way, it’s working.

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What are you trying to do here?

All I’m seeing is the world’s creepiest Head & Shoulders ad.

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I wouldn’t make that face around Brian Hayward if I were you, Cam.

Oh shit, too late this photo is already hanging above Hayward’s bed
so he can look into your eyes every night before he goes to bed.

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OH GOD! WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

You know Nick Leddy would be an excellent member of the San Jose Sharks, just saying.

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I…can’t…stop…looking…into…his…eyes…

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Justin Abdelkader just looks like he’s from Michigan.

Speaking of which….

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HELLO, LADIES!

God I missed those cheekbones, and that strong jaw line.

Come back to me you patriotic bastard!


The….PLEASE GOD MAKE IT GO AWAY

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What..what happened here?

Was there a fire?

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The only thing that Paul has going for him is that he’s not Phil Kessel.

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I would just like to personally thank Phil Kessel for giving me this photo,
I will use this for years to come.

I’ll make sure no one ever forgets your smoldering glare, and awkward thinning hair line.

USA Hockey 2014 Olympic Portraits

I would say that having that face is the worst thing that Phil Kessel has to deal with on a daily basis, but he also has to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

One Girl One Puck is The Royal Half’s resident creeper. Her amazing posts, “Know Your Opponent“, have become a fan “favorite”. If any hockey player did anything stupid at any point of their life, and if someone was kind enough to take a picture, there’s a 100% chance she will put it in a post. She has been a Kings fan for over 15 years, even through the years when Jere Karalahti played “defense”.One Girl One Puck is also the co-founder of the hugely popular Tumblr page "Drew Doughty in Blue Jays Hats." It's exactly what you think it is. If you enjoy pointless posts about hockey players butts, she’s your girl!You can follow One Girl, One Puck on Twitter @OneGirlOnePuck.
  • Karen Rae

    I don’t think they’re frosted tips on Kaner. I think they are hair plugs taken from his laberdoodle!

  • shiny

    Ahhhhhh I’m going to have nightmares about some of these. The Quick ones are terrifying… And this photographer sucks almost as much as those jerseys, holy crap. About 90% of these pictures are “I have no idea why I’m here” and the others are either trying to seduce or kill (like the angry/sexy Quick one above. Note: I do not think he’s sexy. I think he thinks he’s trying to be sexy).

    This is also an excellent reminder why hockey players are so much hotter with their helmets ON. It masks some of the things that are scary. Though, not even a goalie mask can hide Phil Kessel’s face