HOCKEY HOARDERS: Episode III


HockeyHoarders

While I was vehemently overruled #TeamTRH decided to scrap the swimsuit competition portion of NANTB, I was still asked to provide some essential summer fashion tips for the site.

*stares blankly at closet full of 20 year old t-shirts*

So, um, I may not be best suited to give you any insight into clothing trends.

That said, I still will!

I mean if you people actually buy this crap, then you won’t know any better when I break down the best and worst hockey accessories to divert attention away from accentuate your features.

So kick back, relax, and prepare to light your money on fire with these can’t miss summer accessories.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find the perfect piece of hockey memorabilia as well…

No. 5

LA Kings Nokia Phone

INITIAL REACTION: 6.5

I wish I could link to pictures of all the fans who I thought were selling this case.

USEFULNESS: 0.0

If this phone case is useful, you really need to reevaluate your life. …or you’re Jesse Cohen.

PRICE: 5.0

I’ve never seen something simultaneously under and overpriced.

VALUE: 7.5

If you can afford a 75 cent phone, this case is perfect for you.

STREET CRED: 8.0

I seriously applaud anyone who pulls of the rare burner phone and Kings hard case.

FINAL SCORE: 26.0

 

No. 4

LA Kings NFL Hat

INITIAL REACTION: 6.0

This may be the closest any of us get to seeing another NFL team in Los Angeles.

USEFULNESS: 6.5

Hipsters wouldn’t even… Actually, they totally would.

PRICE: 0.5

R U FUGGIN KIDDING?!

VALUE: 7.5

It sure as hell isn’t worth $33.99, but there’s just something about it…

STREET CRED: 8.5

Likelihood of being stabbed by a Raiders fan is significantly reduced.

FINAL SCORE: 28.5

 

No. 3

LA Kings 1991 Lunchbox and Thermos

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

*begs mom to buy it*

*realizes he’s no longer 8*

USEFULNESS: 9.5

*throws out every other lunch bag*

PRICE: 9.5

Whew. No need to regret tossing out those other lunch bags.

VALUE: 1.5

Man, this really won’t fit any Bud Light Lime beers, will it? Especially with that giant thermos. I wish I could find another, more suitable thermos…

STREET CRED: 2.0

Let’s just say that you’d be the coolest blogger in California!

Oh…

*fills thermos with tears*

FINAL SCORE: 32.5

 

No. 2

LA Kings Lubomir Visnovsky Wrist Watch

INITIAL REACTION: 6.5

hahahaholy hell

USEFULNESS: 8.0

This watch has everything I need in life.

PRICE: 5.5

Fair? Fair.

VALUE: 7.0

Never miss puck drop time and gain a Hulk-like greenish wrist at the same time!

STREET CRED: 8.5

It’s amazing, but I’m pretty sure Kings fans are still upset that Wayne Simmonds dared to wear to the next number that should be to be raised to the rafters at Staples Center.

FINAL SCORE: 35.5

 

No. 1

LA Kings Autographed Luc Robitaille Shoes

INITIAL REACTION: 10.0

WUT?

USEFULNESS: 4.5

Finally, a pair of shoes I can wear on date night.

PRICE: 5.5

None. But I really don’t think I could come up with the funds to wrestle away these amazing pair of Filas shoes.

VALUE: 9.0

At least you would have something to wear to your restraining order hearing that Luc Robitaille filed.

STREET CRED: 9.5

Show me a person who doesn’t find these amazing and I’ll show you a Ducks fan.

FINAL SCORE: 38.5

Sigh. No perfect 50 today, but there’s always next time

PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games… and the Police Academy movies.You should probably follow PumperNicholl on Twitter @pumpernicholl
  • KingTufficult

    This is just excellent. I want to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles out of those Robitaille shoes.