KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: DETROIT RED WINGS 2.10.13


How do you know when you are officially embraced by The Royal Half? When he asks Tim from Ironsight Design to create a banner for your article, that's how! So for Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck's on-going "Know Your Opponent" series, in which she takes a… um… unique(?) look at the Los Angeles Kings' opposing team… we feel like this shiny new banner sums everything up just perfectly.

Click Here to Read the Know Your Opponent for the Kings vs Red Wings on February 10th, 2013!!!

I had to really think about what to talk about for this post. I mean honestly how can I make fun of a franchise that has basically been a dynasty for the last 20 years? Other than the fact that they've lost TWICE this year to the Blue Jackets (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), I've really got nothing. I don't really hate them either, like almost everyone else does, I've always been indifferent to them. So I asked Twitter "Why do you hate the Red Wings?", and I waited for the hate to flow.

Shockingly my anger about that went away on April 23rd, 2001. Weird.

Traditions do suck.
 
OK, legitimate reason.

Trust me, I have.

Hmm..Why Not?
 
 
OK.
 
I hear this about their fans a lot. So I decided to investigate further.

It seems like there's not a lot of legitimate reasons for the hatred towards the Wings, other than "my team is their rival" (Apparently every team is their rival). So I wondered, how do Red Wings fans feel about their team? I mean if I was a fan of a team that was so good everyone was insanely jealous of them, I would be pretty smug about it. So what kind of smug assholes are Red Wings fans? Let's find out!

I first went to the always super informative and productive HFBoards. For those not familiar with HF, it's basically a place where people can shit on everything hockey related. There's also some pretty good photoshops, and awful trade proposals. So I figured there would be some Red Wings fans there who were trolling everyone else. Here's what I amazingly discovered.

 
Haha what? This guy is clearly insane and does not represent the smug fan base everyone talks about.
 
No accountability defines the Red Wings?

If Red Wings fans are even talking about Mike Green as a solution,
they're more depressing than I could have even imagined.

They REALLY hate Cleary.

This isn't exactly what I was expecting, but hey that's just one place, I'm sure there's other less depressing fans out there. Next I went to Tumblr, because only crazy people are there, and there has to be some smug asshole fans trolling bitches there.
 

This is me, but as a Wings fan…creepy.

Sounds like watching a Kings game.

Ummm...sounds just like a Kings game, just sub Kopitar/Carter in there.

LOL Quincey is terrible.

 

OK this is fucking creepy, this is seriously a joke right?
There's no way this wasn't about the Kings.

At this point I'm starting to feel a little terrified by how similar we are to Red Wings fans. I don't know if I should be sad, happy, or just grossed out. These are both sites that are kind of general fans though, maybe the fans on actual Red Wings dedicated sites will be worse. Here's some posts from Winging it in Motown.
 

Oh God you guys, this is really bad…
I feel like this after every Kings loss.

This poor bastard is all of us.
M
ind numbing hatred of his team, then acceptance, and finally defeat.

So…that didn't really go the way I expected it to go. Actually I'm kind of depressed now. I almost feel bad for them, then I remember who actually plays for the Red Wings…
 

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

OH COME ON THIS ISN'T EVEN FAIR!!!
 
God Dammit….

 

OH MOTHER FUCKER EVEN THE NEW GUY IS FUCKING AWESOME

Even Todd "Asshole Shit Licker" Bertuzzi is fucking good.

Seriously? Like, Seriously? Fucking dammit. This team is fucking ridiculous. There's no way this is even possible. They're probably not that attractive thought right? I mean being that insanley talented AND good looking isn't humanely possible.

Unf…SO HOTTTT
WHY ARE YOU SO PRETTY?

 
Fun Fact: I let out an audible noise and drool a little every time I see this picture.
I would literally do anything this man asked me to do. ANYTHING.
Well Hello….Where have you been all my life?

 OK so they're amazingly talented and super hot, but I mean there's no way they're cooler than us right? I mean, they can't be THAT awesome.
 

REALLY? This is your Halloween costume Pavel? Screw off.

They're so cool they even eat each others Royal Swedish Balls.
Dammit Brunner! Hipster shirts?

OK fuck this team! They're just too fucking awesome. I hate them! Screw off Red Wings, go be fucking ridiculous somewhere else! To all the Red Wings fans bitching about their team, screw off too! YOU ROOT FOR THE FUCKING RED WINGS GET A GRIP! Whatever, I'm done. Go Kings and shit.

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.