KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS 2.5.13


Well, it works for the Los Angeles Kings Legal Department… so it might just work for The Royal Half Legal Department…

Disclaimer – The contents of the “Know Your Opponent” feature have not been reviewed or endorsed by the The Royal Half. All opinions expressed by Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck are solely (and most definitely) her own and do not reflect the opinions of The Royal Half or their Hockey Operations staff, parent company, partners, or sponsors (ok, that’s not entirely true… we actually are a LOT alike.) Brigitte’s current whereabouts are not known to The Royal Half and she has no access to information beyond my email address and Twitter account.

So remember folks… the whole concept of “Know Your Opponent” is that Brigitte… not me… is taking an in-depth look at the Los Angeles Kings opposing team for tonight’s game. So without any further legal indemnity… take it away, Brigitte!!!

Oh… this is awkward.

Click Here to Read the Know Your Opponent for the Kings vs Blue Jackets on February 5th, 2013!!!

So my record for these posts has improved to 0-2-1. I’ll take that as a sign that I can continue to bring you super informative posts about the Kings opponents.

This is a tweet from an actual Nashville Predators fan! (They do exist!)
85% is a solid B grade, I’ll take it!
Your 2011-2012 Columbus Blue Jackets.
Never Forget.
This week I will be discussing the deep and complex team that is the Columbus Blue Jackets. I actually watch quite a few Blue Jackets games. I have no idea why, maybe because I miss the good old days of bottom dwelling in the Western Conference. The Jackets are basically the lovable losers of the NHL, and when they manage to pull off a few wins over the damn Red Wings, it feels pretty good to root for them. Don’t get me wrong, they are in fact the most frustrating team EVER to root for, and this is coming from a Kings fan who witnessed the Jere Karalahti years. So why put myself through this? Two words:
Cheek.

 

Bones.
Oh Jack Johnson, how do I quit you? It’s like a sad, sad abusive relationship. You suck so bad at pretty much everything, but dammit I still like you for some reason. I’ve seen you literally turn the puck over in front of the Kings net a hundred times. I’ve also watched those same turnovers result in immediate goals against. Your plus-minus reads like the temperature in Winnipeg in January, and yet I’m sitting on my couch on a Wednesday night watching you play “defense”. What is wrong with me? Maybe it’s because I’ve basically watched you grow into the defensive debacle you are today.
Sidney Crosby, Bobby Ryan, and Jack Johnson.
Which one doesn’t belong?
(PS: What happened to Bobby Ryan’s face after this?)
Maybe it’s that super catchy nickname! Jack Mother Fucking Johnson! It just rolls off the tongue so perfectly. It’s an especially useful nickname after one of those patented turnovers.
Jack had the best seat in the house for that Franzen goal.
Those tickets must have cost a fortune!
Enough about JMFJ though, you’ve all been through enough of that torture by now. Let’s take a look at the other lovely parts that make up this sad franchise.
THE MASCOTS
Unlike most teams who have one mascot, the Blue Jackets have two awful and weird ones.
 
No idea why it’s a bee. Is it a bee?
It’s a play on the yellow jacket/blue jacket thing I guess.
It still makes no sense to me, plus it’s really weird looking.
Then of course there’s the bong?
Or the penis?
The Penis Bong?
CONTROLLED CHAOS
Of course I had to talk about Controlled Chaos! The painfully accurate description of the Jack Johnson/James Wisniewski school of defense. I’ve already talked about Jack so let’s discuss the other half of the clusterfuck twins!
 How do these guys keep getting these great seats!
I need a new ticket guy, is Scott Howson still there?

The irony here is amazing considering James has spent
his entire career loitering around the defensive zone.

I feel like they know they suck, and they’re making fun of themselves.
That really takes all the fun out of it for us, assholes!

THE COLUMBUS BLUE RANGERS

Welcome to the battle…for the number one draft pick!
Those poor New York Rangers that somehow found themselves in Columbus, Ohio, so sad. Imagine living in New York City then have to go to Columbus?
Dubinsky seems to be handling it well.
Come on! No need to take it out on the innocent Gatorade cooler!
Don’t worry Gatorade cooler, you got your revenge.

JARED BOLL

Jared Boll is kind of an asshat. Apparently people think he’s attractive, whatever. He looks like he gets his eyebrows waxed. He did however troll some Nashville Predators fans pretty hard the other day, and I gotta give him some love for that.

 

 
I’m pretty sure he’s calling some guy a fat asshole.
He also might be telling him to eat a dick, and he has saggy boobs.
Either way, bravo Jared!
The Blue Jackets are so depressing, it’s almost not even fun to rip on them. That must be why I root for those sad bastards. Then I remember that Curtis Sanford shut out the Kings last year, and I want the Kings to rip these guys a new asshole!
So fat, and so happy to be out of the hell hole that is Columbus, Ohio.    
WAIT… NO SHIRTLESS PICTURES?!?
OK… here you go, people!
Derick Brassard dressed up like a Canadian…cowboy?
You’re welcome.

 

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.