KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: CALGARY FLAMES 2.20.13


Generally I write some sort of intro to the "Know Your Opponent" series at The Royal Half… where Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck takes an in-depth look at the Los Angeles Kings opponent for tonight's game. But those days are gone… as Brigitte is taking a big step today… and setting herself up for complete ridicule instead of me having to do it. Take it away, Brigitte!!!

 

Usually when I write one of these posts I try to a least say one thing nice about the other team. I think of it as a hockey karma sort of deal. As long as I don't completely verbally assault the other team, maybe the hockey gods will be kind to the Kings. Unfortunately, this also means I tend to have a lack of hate mail. I'm sad about this. Why? I feed off of your hatred, that's why. It seems all horrible comments about me get directed to The Royal Half instead.

 
OneGirlOneCondom was my name before I gave up on safe sex.
 
It's cool though, most people seem to enjoy my random rants I guess. If you don't though, please don't hesitate to go fuck yourself. Now, onto the Flames…
 

Oh the Flames…they might be are the most depressing team in the league. Yes, I know the Blue Jackets are bad, but they're at least accepting that and attempting to rebuild. The Flames though, just sort of dwell in mediocrity. They are the model of how to never ever ever build a franchise. That's what leads fans to do this.

 
Throwing away 200 bucks just to show how much you've given up on life.
 
It's a sad sad place. A place that drives fans to do crazy things. The only thing that could make it worse would be if there was some sort of super alcohol that could fuel the fans into an even sadder drunken state. Oh wait…what? There is such a super alcohol in Calgary?
 
 
I'm pretty sure that headache is from watching Jay Feaster try to assemble a "team".
 
So I decided to see what some of the Flames fans had to say about the legendary beer. I mean if I rooted for that terrible franchise, I would practically worship that stuff. Unfortunatly, this what happened when I tried to go to the fan forum at the Flames website.
 
 
I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but…I'm saying "C of Red" sounds incredibly stupid. 
 
Eventually I did find some stuff about the beer, and well…it's pretty great. There is a apparently a challange you can take with the beer. It's basically the "How many Heroin Beers can you drink before you blackout" challenge. Not going to lie, it sounds more fun than having to sit through a Flames game sober.
 
This is the depressing trifecta. 
1. This guy at one point owned a Dion Phaneuf Flames jersey. 
2. He felt compelled to basically cheat death for 100 dollars.
3. He felt the need to tell everyone on a Flames message board about it.
 
 photo 037.jpg
 
Here's the poor bastard.
He has a complete Photbucket album of his decent into death.

So what do the other Flames fans think of this guy? Do they think he's as insane as I do? Nope! He's basically a God to them.

 
 Your reading comprehension "defyes" me.

 
Congrats on accomplishing your goal of killing your internal organs! 
 
 That guys "hypothetical" story is way to detailed to be fake.
 
 
I wonder if this is the pre-game meal of the players too. 
I think we may have solved the problem in Calgary. 
 
 
This is the follow-up post by Mrsplashypants. 
I'm glad he's happy with himself, because I bet his parents aren't. 
 
Amen. 
At least someone gets it! 
 

Of course this Heroin Beer could explain a lot of things about the Flames. For example, why they felt bringing Michael Cammalleri back was a good idea. It also could explain why they haven't traded Jerome Iginla to a contender already, or maybe get another goalie so Miikka Kiprusoff doesn't have to play 99.9% percent of the games. I mean honestly, doesn't this sound like the thought process of someone who is just completely hammered all the time? Think about it, it all makes sense.

 
 Why else would they pay Dennis Wideman an atrocious amount of money
 
 
No way in hell this was decided while sober. 
 
 
This also explains why they thought trading for Joey MacDonald was a good idea.
 
 
This is what happens when you pay your employees in beer.
(I would also like to point out that Ales Hemsky would be leading the Flames in goals this year)

I mean just one look at the Calgary Flames Cap Geek page reads like one big drunken mistake.

 
My God. 
Just look at this and then try not to kill yourself via alcohol poisoning.

 
As if you didn't think it could get worse, here's the defense.
*Chugging of death beer begins*
 
This is just sad. Not even the "LOL THIS TEAM IS HILARIOUSLY BAD LOL" way. It's the "OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HARM YOURSELVES" kind of bad. Of course this means they'll beat the Kings by three goals and MacDonald will have a shutout. It's cool though, maybe I'll get some hate mail out of this. In the end, that's all that really matters here.
The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.