All The Kings Men – Locked Up Abroad

Boy… and we all thought that Anze Kopitar signing with a 2nd Tier hockey team in Sweden would be the biggest news of the day. Thankfully, Philip Anschutz put an end to that. So Jesse Cohen and I sat down with the Woodward and Bernstein of the AEG sale, Dennis Bernstein, to figure out why Anschutz wants to sell off his evil empire. 

“Pardonnez-moi, monsieur… this photo is for players only.”

“Shut it, Bernier. I played more in these playoffs than you did.”

You can check out the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

And in international news… The Royal Half was featured on television! Well… Canadian television… but it’s still television nonetheless! Something called the Global News featured “Locked Out & I Know It” in their roundup of what dumb hockey fans were doing with their time off. You can check out the link here.

Ugh, TV adds 10 pounds to my blog name.

And finally, a few days ago Jesse Cohen released a massive diatribe against the NHL Lockout the only way he knows how… to the tune of a classic childrens’ poem about Santa Claus. Which is pretty impressive for Jesse… mainly because he’s Jewish. Here it is, in its entirety.

Twas the day of the lockout and no talks were planned

There would be no heroics, no late night last stand

The players and owners would fight over cash

While the hopes and the dreams of the fans were all dashed

They had taken to facebook and reddit and twitter

And as the lockout drew closer their words became bitter

“Up yours Gary Bettman!” “Screw you Donald Fehr”

“Please don’t make another season disappear”

But the lawyers on both sides had made up their minds

And politely told fans we could kiss their behinds

Despite all the owners griping and complaints

They were handing out contracts with little restraint

“Four more years for Shane Doan, $18 Million for Burrows!!!”

While the brows of the fans became wrinkled and furrowed

“Don’t blame us” said the players “for the owners confusion”

While their salaries climbed the fans grew disillusioned

We don’t care about escrows, profit sharing or rollbacks

Or if big market teams should pay a luxury tax

We want to see hockey not hear your regrets

or listen to lawyers posture and make threats

And the good news for fans, who might be so inclined

There’ll be hockey this year, you can watch it online

The juniors and minors will still play their games

While the NHLPA call the owners bad names

“It won’t be as fun as the big leagues” you’ll scoff

But it beats watching Baseball or Tennis or Golf

And before you all know it this lockout will end

And we’ll go back to watching the teams over spend

And in another six years or possibly later

We’ll find ourselves cursing a new batch of traitors

New owners, new players and a new set of lawyers

Brand new employees and brand new employers

They’ll fight over money and lengths of contracts

They’ll distort the numbers and twist all the facts

And we’ll keep on watching and filling the stands

Because the league knows we’re “the worlds greatest fans”

for us it’s not business it’s a piece of our lives

It makes us skip work and helps us survive

It brings us together, it makes grown men weep

It fills all our dreams when we fall fast asleep

So forgive us dear players and agents and owners

If we rant and we rave and we call you all moaners

You’re stealing our fun and you’re taking our hockey

Forcing us to choose between Norfolk and Milwaukee

We won’t get to see the Kings raising their banner

Or watch them defend it, (and do it for Tanner)

We’ll miss the NHL on our TV sets

The Leafs and the Habs and the Flames and Jets

The Sharks and the Blues, the Coyotes and Ducks

The Wild, the Flames and Vancouver Canucks

The Bruins and Flyers and Penguins and Red Wings

The Rangers and Devils and the joy watching them brings

So I make this last plea tho I know it won’t matter

Please cut through the jargon and bullshit and chatter

End the lockout as quickly as you possibly can

Or I may actually consider not being a fan

The Royal Half has been a Los Angeles Kings fan since 1988 and a Half-Season Ticket Holder since 2002. He has seen the following goaltenders play in person for the Los Angeles Kings… Kelly Hrudey, Grant Fuhr, Byron Dafoe, Jamie Storr, Stephane Fiset, Felix Potvin, Cristobal Huet, Roman Cechmanek, Mathieu Garon, Adam Hauser, Jason LaBarbera, Barry Brust, Sean Burke, Dan Cloutier, Yutaka Fukufuji, Jean-Sebastien Aubin, Erik Ersberg, Jonathan Bernier, Jonathan Quick, Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones.You can follow The Royal Half on Twitter @TheRoyalHalf.